Friday, July 31, 2009

From Shoots and Ladders to Elevators and Stairs


weight: 284.3 lbs

That's from Wednesday. I haven't weighed myself since then. It looks like I've lost about 3 lbs since I started this. Maybe accountability even on an anonymous level really does do good!

So life's been a bit busy over the past few days. I haven't written since Tuesday which means that less than a week into this I've already started slacking off. Great. On a somewhat related note, I do have one comment on my blog-WooHoo! I have a reader! Motivate-Motivate-Motivate!

I did some research this week and watched Fox's "More to Love". It's a plus-sized--boy--meets--lots'o--plus-sized--girls reality/dating/love/show thing. Really, it's a train wreck waiting to happen. I occasionally get sucked into the world of reality dating shows. I watched ABC's "The Batchelorette" this past season. I totally hated Wes. He finallty got kicked off; the bastard.

Anyway, the point is, while everyone ends up making out on these shows, it doesn't happen on the first night. This guy had the cajones to make out with two girls on the first night. One of which while he was sitting next to another girl! Talk about lack of self-respect. It's one thing to lack self-esteem, ladies, it's another to lack self-respect! Just because you're insecure about your weight DOES NOT mean you have to mac on some loser. The show is supposedly about finding your life-mate. Meh. Yeah, right. I'll keep on watching though.

On to why I write today. I have the opportunity to get a little extra "not even trying" exercise in at work. I work on the second floor and take the elevator most of the time. I smoke so there's some up and down action going on during the day. (That sounds a lot worse than I meant it to sound. Sorry Mom!) It occurs to me that I am passing up the chance to burn a few extra calories and maybe shed some of the back-side. I really think about it a lot, truthfully. I think about the stairs when I am heading down in the elevator, heading back up in the elevator, have coffee in my hands, running in from the car when I first get here.... Actually, I run up the stairs quite a bit in the morning. Every second counts. I've decided to start using the stairs no matter what. Coffee is not an excuse! I need to move on to the next phase of this social experiment. ACTION. First we have MOTIVATION. Now I need ACTION.

I think I'll start on Monday.


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

To B or Not To BBW


Weight: 286.5 lbs

That's a guess. I haven't weighed myself since Saturday. Refer to previous post....

I discovered the world of the B-B-W. That is (Big) (Beautiful) Women. I'm trying to disclose this as carefully as possible because these are trigger words for the seedy side of the internet which attracts crawlers and what not. And trust me, it's not something you want to see.

Now, let me first say that this is a PG-13 blog. I will most likely swear, but I won't say anything I wouldn't want my mom knowing I said. Right now, she's probably my only reader.

Let's continue. There's a movement for Fat Acceptance or Size Acceptance. It's pretty large-no pun intended. Members of these sub-cultures around the world gather for parties and social events and what not. They celebrate both Men and Women of substantial and not so substantial size (one press pic I saw had people that couldn't have been more than a size 12).

While there is a dark underbelly to be avoided, this phenominon of the B-B-W lifestyle isn't all bad. A lot of it is women who are happy being full-figured or plus-sized. They are very sexy and love who they are. They rejoice in the curves.

I would never say that a full-figured woman could not be sexy because that isn't true. Sexy is a state of mind, people. BUT, I don't fit into this category because I really want to lose weight. There are times when I wear sexy all day long. Then there are times where all I focus on is the flab and, thus, need something to munch on. I'd consider myself to be part of this sub-culture if I was a size 16 maybe. Not a size 26.

I went down an ugly rabbithole yesterday. Remember that dark underbelly? Well I pulled back the proverbial curtan and saw some pretty gross stuff. I saw some things that made my eyes burn, literally. I read personal ads full of desparation and just plain nastiness. I can't help but judge this darker side. It seems to be exploitation, not appreciation. I feel a little sorry for these people, too. Life can't have much meaning for them.

I have to say, I have a new appreciation for my weight. I'm not saying I'm happy being fat and I don't want to lose weight. That's just not true. My goal isn't to say that I'm happy being thin, either. I just want to say I am happy. And pretty much I am! My happiness or sadness doesn't come from my size. Although, I'd have a happier happiness if I didn't have the weight around to think about!

Truthfully, I just want to be a W. Not B, not T. Just W. All W.

That in itself would B beautiful!


Monday, July 27, 2009

Motivation and Lack Thereof...


Weight: 286.5 lbs

That's yesterday's weight, just so you know. I didn't have time to weigh myself this morning. As with most workday mornings, I barely had time to get dressed.

Don't get too excited, weight fluctuates from day to day. I didn't write anything yesterday because I had a very lazy day. Unmotivated. There's that nasty word again. One insight I've gained (what a mean word) already is that motivation is the key to everything. I never really thought about it before. My lackadaisical response to most things in my life is really holding me back.

Ironically, I am a very hard worker and have a really solid career to show for it. BUT, I find the work challenging. Sometimes, it's a little 'blah', but mostly I really enjoy it. I think this must be how people feel about exercising. The idea of waking up at 5:00am to workout for an hour is depressing to me. I think, though, as part of this social experiment of mine, I'm going to have to try it. I just thought of something...Maybe those people in the gym at 5:00am will also be depressed to be there and won't look at my big ass and jiggly belly when I'm on that eliptical machine. (That's right, I do know what exercise equipment is called, I just choose not to use it.)

This 5:00am could work to my advantage because I am honestly intimidated by the already in shape people that are working so hard to stay that way. I don't like meatheads or whatever the female equivilant is to that stereotypical persona. Who the hell would ever be able to think too much at 5:00am? I wouldn't be caring about what people thought about me and most likely they wouldn't be thinking about me anyway.

Well, ok. 5:00am sounds like a good time to go exercise. Now. Who's gonna kick my ass in the morning and make me get up? Where's the MOTIVATION?


Saturday, July 25, 2009

What's in a name?


Age: 33 years old
Height: 5' 6"
Weight: 287.6 lbs

There it is. That's me. It's liberating to have the most intimate detail of myself set out in such a public forum. This is anonymous, though, so maybe it doesn't count.

First, let me say I'm a happy person. I'm pretty satisfied with where my choices have brought me in life. I have good friends, I think of myself as good looking and have an overall healthy self esteem. But, I have always struggled with weight. ALWAYS. Well, not when I was 4, but pretty much since then. It's been part of my life.

Sometimes, I find myself daydreaming about dieting. About exercising. And then I realize I don't want to expend the effort or energy to get up and do anything about it. I'm speaking for myself, here. Motivation is the hardest thing, especially when it's supposed to come from myself.

So, I was smoking on my deck and decided "Hey, wouldn't it be great to be publically motivated like those reality shows about losing weight without everyone knowing who I was??? Sure it would! I can do it through a blog." I had the best blog name picked out too. I sat down to set it up and the damn thing was taken. So, I started thinking. Again. After about an hour and a half of thinking up really awesome names, then kinda cool names, then any name at all that still applied, I came up with this one: "I'm just another fat girl". Which seems appropriate since so many self-proclaimed 'fat girls' are trying or have tried to do this whole blog thing already. The one thing I can say about those blogs is that none of the blogs are current. Most of them were only in the beginning stages and then apparently died off.

This, by the way, is the plight of most of us fat girls. Grand beginnings with no follow-through. Hey, I'm just being honest. It's been true with me, anyway.

Well, I am not setting out a goal here. I'm not telling anyone that I am going to lose weight. I just want to document "my life as a fat girl" with a level of accountability that I don't seem to get in everyday life. That title was taken, by the way. Trust me, I know.