04/26/2011
285.2 lbs
Today is a so-so day.
I received some very valid constructive criticism today. It stung. Mostly because it's true.
So I have an established position in my career. I've been in my industry for 7 years which is nothing to balk at. (I hate ending sentences in prepositions, btw.) You all know that mostly I'm clever, charming, witty and fun. Well, I also have a brain and apparently I haven't been showing that feature off enough in the right circles.
You all know I travel. I go to conferences, conventions, meetings, what-have-yous on a very regular basis. I do have a good time, but I don't wimp out of my responsibilities either. I've always gone with the "Work Hard/Play Hard" mentality. It's worked for me up to now, because the same people I was playing hard with, also saw the work hard part. Well, when you're dealing with a "national level" or something bigger than your immediate daily reach, this isn't so much the case. Damn.
I plan on staying in this industry as long as I can. I really want to call it home. I have. I know things and speak as an expert at my home base level, but have what you might call stage fright everywhere else. My safetynet has been socializing. I know, taken on my own, my bright and shiney personality will win anyone over. HOWEVER. I have never felt comfortable to move past that. I feel like a big phony. Actually, I know I am.
I lack confidence.
Shocker, right? I've come a long way in life and have had to deal with many unpleasantries as most everyone who has or ever will come across this blog. I've climbed through, persevered and ended up mostly satisfied with life. The point, though, is that where I thought I had it all figured out was my career. I don't have marriage, I don't have kids, I have career. I'm happy with that choice. But, what happens when that falters? When I realize that I am not as solid in this aspect as I thought. How does it make any other area of my life which desperately needs attention (i.e.: or e.g.: I never know which is the appropriate one to use my weight) have a glimmer of a chance to be successful? There is a bigger picture here which needs to be addressed and, while I've known it for some time, I'm only just realizing it.
My mom came to visit for Easter. It was great to see her. It had been since Christmas. Long time, I know. She does not appreciate self-deprecating humor. So, the joke this weekend was, "I know I'm smart, but I'm kindof an Idiot". It's amazing how versatile that is. And how true. I have a brain and I don't always use it. I'm too old for that. Too established, too. My little criticism today pointed that out.
It could be worse, though.
Last week, I shat myself.
-jafg
Showing posts with label Cry for Help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cry for Help. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Damnit. AGAIN. DAMNIT!
07/08/10
I didn't weigh myself today. I thought about it, but then I got busy with other things.
I had a fantastic time at The LakeHouse over the weekend. I then proceded to do not a damn thing on Sunday afternoon and Monday. I slept, I ate, I watched TV, I washed some clothes, I washed bed linens. That's pretty much it. I was then down with a little bit of rumbly tumbly yesterday. And that's pretty much carrying through today, as well.
I have totally skinned up my knees from falling off the healthy living wagon. And the ground was really damn bumpy too. I may have even sprained an ankle. What all this means is that I have thrown Caring to the wind and not given a damn about exercise or healthy eating. Well, I haven't completely let go of healthy eating, but I did COMPLETELY let go of working out. I don't mean over the past two days either. I mean that since May, my exercising has been slowly slipping by the wayside.
I don't understand why I continue to have this up and down nonsense! I freakin know that exercise is the ONLY thing that will put My Fat in check. I know that if I don't watch every little thing I eat, I'm gonna be packin on the pounds. It took 3 effin months to kill 20 lbs! And I'm just throwing that away! I see it happening. I recognize the bad behavior, and yet, because life is totally stressing me right now, I choose to take the very easy way and not give a shit. Only the not giving a shit makes life totally stress even more because I DO give a shit!
So. That's where I am after a perfectly great holiday.
That 20 lbs that I lost was REAL. Like, I sweat that fat right out of me. I'm proud of that. So what the hell happened to my motivation???
-jafg
I didn't weigh myself today. I thought about it, but then I got busy with other things.
I had a fantastic time at The LakeHouse over the weekend. I then proceded to do not a damn thing on Sunday afternoon and Monday. I slept, I ate, I watched TV, I washed some clothes, I washed bed linens. That's pretty much it. I was then down with a little bit of rumbly tumbly yesterday. And that's pretty much carrying through today, as well.
This is a big DAMNIT session.
I have totally skinned up my knees from falling off the healthy living wagon. And the ground was really damn bumpy too. I may have even sprained an ankle. What all this means is that I have thrown Caring to the wind and not given a damn about exercise or healthy eating. Well, I haven't completely let go of healthy eating, but I did COMPLETELY let go of working out. I don't mean over the past two days either. I mean that since May, my exercising has been slowly slipping by the wayside.
I am ashamed PISSED.
I don't understand why I continue to have this up and down nonsense! I freakin know that exercise is the ONLY thing that will put My Fat in check. I know that if I don't watch every little thing I eat, I'm gonna be packin on the pounds. It took 3 effin months to kill 20 lbs! And I'm just throwing that away! I see it happening. I recognize the bad behavior, and yet, because life is totally stressing me right now, I choose to take the very easy way and not give a shit. Only the not giving a shit makes life totally stress even more because I DO give a shit!
So. That's where I am after a perfectly great holiday.
That 20 lbs that I lost was REAL. Like, I sweat that fat right out of me. I'm proud of that. So what the hell happened to my motivation???
-jafg
Thursday, May 27, 2010
S.O.S.---W.W.Y.D.---S.O.S.
05/27/10
279.4 lbs
I had mexican yesterday so I'm thrilled that it didn't move an ounce.
I've decided to go to the Lakehouse this weekend. I am super excited so I know I made the right choice. I now have a new dilemma. Food.
From Friday night to Monday morning, I will be living/breathing/sleeping/eating Lakehouse life. If you've been reading for awhile, then you know that I'm not exactly a timid jafg. I have an opinion and share it pretty much freely (but always with a smile). However. I would never want to be rude. Especially in a hospitality situation. All the food's being provided, and even the adult beverages. I've been partaking of adult beverages long enough to know that even when said beverages are supplied, I should always bring something "for the house". Well, what if I want to bring my own food? Would that say "Sorry, BB and Her Beau, but I'm too good to eat that hotdog you're trying to serve me."
Now, if it were just for one day, I'd suck it up and eat that hotdog (and secretly love every bite of it), but we're talking an extended stay at the beer-n-brat household. Especially on a holiday weekend like M Day.
I need some advise my fellow bloggin-kids. What Would You Do in a situation such as this?
-jafg
279.4 lbs
I had mexican yesterday so I'm thrilled that it didn't move an ounce.
I've decided to go to the Lakehouse this weekend. I am super excited so I know I made the right choice. I now have a new dilemma. Food.
From Friday night to Monday morning, I will be living/breathing/sleeping/eating Lakehouse life. If you've been reading for awhile, then you know that I'm not exactly a timid jafg. I have an opinion and share it pretty much freely (but always with a smile). However. I would never want to be rude. Especially in a hospitality situation. All the food's being provided, and even the adult beverages. I've been partaking of adult beverages long enough to know that even when said beverages are supplied, I should always bring something "for the house". Well, what if I want to bring my own food? Would that say "Sorry, BB and Her Beau, but I'm too good to eat that hotdog you're trying to serve me."
Now, if it were just for one day, I'd suck it up and eat that hotdog (and secretly love every bite of it), but we're talking an extended stay at the beer-n-brat household. Especially on a holiday weekend like M Day.
I need some advise my fellow bloggin-kids. What Would You Do in a situation such as this?
-jafg
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
It Is What It Is
05/11/10
283.2 lbs
I've known this week was coming all year. I fly tomorrow. I hate flying. Not the flying so much, but the squishing into airplane seats. Fortunately, I'll be on a plane for 50 minutes and then on a plane for 2.5 hours. There's a bit of a break in between. Not much of one, but still.
I really wanted to be under 280 lbs for this trip and thought that since I'd been working out for over a month it was a possibility that it may happen. I've secretly felt like a failure every time I've stepped on the scale this past week because it didn't seem like it was going to happen. At least after Friday, the trip'll be behind me and all I have to focus on is a healthy diet and exercise.
So, this weekend I decided I wanted BBQ. Badly. So I pile Moms in the car and we head out for this BBQ place. That's when the crazy insanity ensued.
When I dine out, I always request a table. I've been in the habit of asking for a table for quite some time now. It's kinda weird, I used to always ask for a booth. The idea of sitting at a table in the center of the aisle always bugged me. Made me feel like a spotlight was on me and my food. Then I hit adulthood and could sit in the bars. Well sometime after that I realized that booths were no longer really comfortable. This, in case you haven't guessed, is because my girth had grown. That's right, there wasn't enough space between me and the table.
At first this was a slow realization. I'd be sitting with friends and think that the table was farther away from one side than the other and somehow I'd always sat on the small side. I'm a lefty which predetermines where I sit (most of the time). I thought perhaps restaurants thought leftys were skinnier and needed less space.
Then, I tried the seat swap. You'll never guess what happened. I was WRONG. One side of the booth was not smaller than the other! Well, once that happened, I then was forced with the realization that it was me that was bigger than the seat space. Great.
Of course, this picture is talking about the grown-up who goes back to elementary school, but you get the idea.
Since then, I've overcome my spotlight feeling (and learned to love it really) at a table and always know to specify prior to seating. Of course, ocassionally, I get ribbed by my friends..."what's up high maintenance?"...to which I give a hearty gafaw and move on with my life because, hey, it's really kinda true anyway.
In the not so distant past, on a night out with BB and SAG, I even tried to sit in a booth. I actually had to ask the girls to move to a nearby table because it just didn't work for me. I worked hard to not be embarrased. I could escape it because these are my workout buddies so they know I'm trying. It was still a little mortifying but the girls handled it like champs not giving one peep of snarkiness.
Well, this brings us back to Saturday. Moms and I get to the BBQ place and we can either instantly be sat at a booth or wait 20 minutes for a table. I spy one outside, a table that is, and decide to sit out there. The day is nice enough and the sun isn't going to be in our eyes. Well, I get out there and realize that the table is cemented to the wall. And to add to that, this is an end table so there's no possibility of moving the chairs to adjust the space. Moms sits down. It's kinda tight because the very skinny people at the table next to us are pushed back and talking. Well, that's taken care of with a simple "excuse me" and we're back to me. I'm staring at this seat. This very small crevice of a space they're calling a seat.
I squeeze myself into the space and I've got like a roll and a half poking over the table. I feel humiliated. It's almost to the point that I begin to feel punished. I know no one is looking at me but I felt like they were. All stress-inducing feelings are bubbling up so fast I know my face is turning red. Or maybe it was the fact that my circulation was being cut off at the waist. Either way, it's evident on my face that I'm an unhappy girl.
Moms quietly asks, "do you want to leave?" to which I can't reply "Yes" fast enough. There'd be no way I could eat anything served to me at this place.
Poor Moms. It's like when she tried to teach me how to drive a Standard. There was never so much cursing and swearing and yelling and spitting-ok, maybe there wasn't any spitting-in a car since that fateful Sunday afternoon oh so many years ago. She took it like a champ. It wasn't directed at her, it was just all those irrational feelings gushing out like some nasty infection.
Well, after driving her around half of Smaller Southern City, we wind up at another restaurant with excellent chicken and ribs. We valet the car (I wasn't kidding on the high maintenance part) and as soon as we're greeted I lay down the table law. With a smile on my face of course.
Moms and I sit down, I order a martini and she orders her glass of wine. The world is right again.
And then there's tomorrow on a plane.
Is 6:30am too early to drink?
-jafg
283.2 lbs
I've known this week was coming all year. I fly tomorrow. I hate flying. Not the flying so much, but the squishing into airplane seats. Fortunately, I'll be on a plane for 50 minutes and then on a plane for 2.5 hours. There's a bit of a break in between. Not much of one, but still.
I really wanted to be under 280 lbs for this trip and thought that since I'd been working out for over a month it was a possibility that it may happen. I've secretly felt like a failure every time I've stepped on the scale this past week because it didn't seem like it was going to happen. At least after Friday, the trip'll be behind me and all I have to focus on is a healthy diet and exercise.
So, this weekend I decided I wanted BBQ. Badly. So I pile Moms in the car and we head out for this BBQ place. That's when the crazy insanity ensued.
When I dine out, I always request a table. I've been in the habit of asking for a table for quite some time now. It's kinda weird, I used to always ask for a booth. The idea of sitting at a table in the center of the aisle always bugged me. Made me feel like a spotlight was on me and my food. Then I hit adulthood and could sit in the bars. Well sometime after that I realized that booths were no longer really comfortable. This, in case you haven't guessed, is because my girth had grown. That's right, there wasn't enough space between me and the table.
At first this was a slow realization. I'd be sitting with friends and think that the table was farther away from one side than the other and somehow I'd always sat on the small side. I'm a lefty which predetermines where I sit (most of the time). I thought perhaps restaurants thought leftys were skinnier and needed less space.
Then, I tried the seat swap. You'll never guess what happened. I was WRONG. One side of the booth was not smaller than the other! Well, once that happened, I then was forced with the realization that it was me that was bigger than the seat space. Great.
image totally pirated from imdb.com (<==love that site)
Of course, this picture is talking about the grown-up who goes back to elementary school, but you get the idea.
Since then, I've overcome my spotlight feeling (and learned to love it really) at a table and always know to specify prior to seating. Of course, ocassionally, I get ribbed by my friends..."what's up high maintenance?"...to which I give a hearty gafaw and move on with my life because, hey, it's really kinda true anyway.
In the not so distant past, on a night out with BB and SAG, I even tried to sit in a booth. I actually had to ask the girls to move to a nearby table because it just didn't work for me. I worked hard to not be embarrased. I could escape it because these are my workout buddies so they know I'm trying. It was still a little mortifying but the girls handled it like champs not giving one peep of snarkiness.
Well, this brings us back to Saturday. Moms and I get to the BBQ place and we can either instantly be sat at a booth or wait 20 minutes for a table. I spy one outside, a table that is, and decide to sit out there. The day is nice enough and the sun isn't going to be in our eyes. Well, I get out there and realize that the table is cemented to the wall. And to add to that, this is an end table so there's no possibility of moving the chairs to adjust the space. Moms sits down. It's kinda tight because the very skinny people at the table next to us are pushed back and talking. Well, that's taken care of with a simple "excuse me" and we're back to me. I'm staring at this seat. This very small crevice of a space they're calling a seat.
I squeeze myself into the space and I've got like a roll and a half poking over the table. I feel humiliated. It's almost to the point that I begin to feel punished. I know no one is looking at me but I felt like they were. All stress-inducing feelings are bubbling up so fast I know my face is turning red. Or maybe it was the fact that my circulation was being cut off at the waist. Either way, it's evident on my face that I'm an unhappy girl.
Moms quietly asks, "do you want to leave?" to which I can't reply "Yes" fast enough. There'd be no way I could eat anything served to me at this place.
Poor Moms. It's like when she tried to teach me how to drive a Standard. There was never so much cursing and swearing and yelling and spitting-ok, maybe there wasn't any spitting-in a car since that fateful Sunday afternoon oh so many years ago. She took it like a champ. It wasn't directed at her, it was just all those irrational feelings gushing out like some nasty infection.
Well, after driving her around half of Smaller Southern City, we wind up at another restaurant with excellent chicken and ribs. We valet the car (I wasn't kidding on the high maintenance part) and as soon as we're greeted I lay down the table law. With a smile on my face of course.
Moms and I sit down, I order a martini and she orders her glass of wine. The world is right again.
And then there's tomorrow on a plane.
Is 6:30am too early to drink?
-jafg
Friday, April 30, 2010
Fiesta Siesta
04/30/10
284.6 lbs
Yesterday will probably show up tomorrow. Grr.
Firstly, thank you all for your encouragement yesterday! I know I'm a snarky little blogger, but I do have sincere moments and this is one of them. I really appreciate you folks taking time to send me comment love. I smiled when I read each one of them and they really did warm my heart.
As you know I had a brown food day yesterday. I went out with SAG last night. After that fried food lunch, I had a fried food dinner. And drinks. As in a half a bottle of wine and then a few vodka beverages for dessert. I begrudgingly filled out my food diary on myfitnesspal.com (which is the greatest thing since sliced bread...and that's not a paid encorsement for either myfitnesspal or sliced bread) and after completing the entry for the day it told me I had consumed 3,364 calories. HO. LY. CRAP. I was also told that "If every day were like today... You'd weigh 291.7 lbs in 5 weeks". Isn't that a not so gentle reminder of why I don't eat like that.
So, today's a new day. I didn't exercise at all yesterday 'cept for a 20 minute walk around the work 'hood. I have logged everything I've eaten today and haven't drank nearly enough water. I even put down in my exercise diary (another reason to love myfitnesspal) that I'm exercising tonight. At Concierge Gym. That means no shorts, the elliptical, the circuit machines (if anyone know what they're officially called, please let me know cause I'm not sure circuit is right) and Rage Against The Machine.
I've commited to a dinner menu and the day's allowed snacks and cannot deviate from it or else I risk blowing my calories today like yesterday. Well, maybe not as bad as yesterday. But I would lose my deficit. I had mexican today for lunch.
I am SO sleepy right now. I hope I have the energy to do my necessary workout. Otherwise, today's gonna suck eggs.
-jafg
284.6 lbs
Yesterday will probably show up tomorrow. Grr.
Firstly, thank you all for your encouragement yesterday! I know I'm a snarky little blogger, but I do have sincere moments and this is one of them. I really appreciate you folks taking time to send me comment love. I smiled when I read each one of them and they really did warm my heart.
As you know I had a brown food day yesterday. I went out with SAG last night. After that fried food lunch, I had a fried food dinner. And drinks. As in a half a bottle of wine and then a few vodka beverages for dessert. I begrudgingly filled out my food diary on myfitnesspal.com (which is the greatest thing since sliced bread...and that's not a paid encorsement for either myfitnesspal or sliced bread) and after completing the entry for the day it told me I had consumed 3,364 calories. HO. LY. CRAP. I was also told that "If every day were like today... You'd weigh 291.7 lbs in 5 weeks". Isn't that a not so gentle reminder of why I don't eat like that.
So, today's a new day. I didn't exercise at all yesterday 'cept for a 20 minute walk around the work 'hood. I have logged everything I've eaten today and haven't drank nearly enough water. I even put down in my exercise diary (another reason to love myfitnesspal) that I'm exercising tonight. At Concierge Gym. That means no shorts, the elliptical, the circuit machines (if anyone know what they're officially called, please let me know cause I'm not sure circuit is right) and Rage Against The Machine.
I've commited to a dinner menu and the day's allowed snacks and cannot deviate from it or else I risk blowing my calories today like yesterday. Well, maybe not as bad as yesterday. But I would lose my deficit. I had mexican today for lunch.
I am SO sleepy right now. I hope I have the energy to do my necessary workout. Otherwise, today's gonna suck eggs.
-jafg
Thursday, April 29, 2010
WARNING: Disapointment Ahead
04/29/10
284.2 lbs
I blew it today. I had a FRIED lunch. Chicken, Fries, and a buscuit. I feel kinda bad about it. It was a conscious decision too. I was meeting one of my friends out for lunch for his birthday (he turned 24; isn't that cute?). He's a kid that used to work with me and we hit it off. He's really a sweetie pie. He's getting married to his little girlfriend next year. So Cute! Ok. It was his birthday on Tuesday and so me and the pregnant girl (who actually used to babysit him!) from work were meeting him at a place of his choice. It's the place his future in-laws own. They specialize in what I like to call "brown food". You know, the kind where everything you order shows up in various shades of brown cause it's all fried? Yeah, one of those places.
Well, I decided as soon as we parked that I was going to eat anything I wanted. I don't know why. I don't know where the thought came from. I wasn't feeling down, deprived, or even devious. And I had even taken a 20 minute walk this morning! But somewhere inside snapped and made me order a fried chicken basket. Damnit. I felt bad as soon as I ordered. As I was eating and enjoying every fried bite I was feeling so guilty. I drank my unsweet tea and dipped my fries and chickens into "house dipping sauce" and ranch dressing. And not the light kind either. It was so good. I feel so bad.
I've got plans tonight and don't know if I have time to get sweaty and clean again before having to leave at 6:45.
I'm sure gonna try though.
-jafg
284.2 lbs
I blew it today. I had a FRIED lunch. Chicken, Fries, and a buscuit. I feel kinda bad about it. It was a conscious decision too. I was meeting one of my friends out for lunch for his birthday (he turned 24; isn't that cute?). He's a kid that used to work with me and we hit it off. He's really a sweetie pie. He's getting married to his little girlfriend next year. So Cute! Ok. It was his birthday on Tuesday and so me and the pregnant girl (who actually used to babysit him!) from work were meeting him at a place of his choice. It's the place his future in-laws own. They specialize in what I like to call "brown food". You know, the kind where everything you order shows up in various shades of brown cause it's all fried? Yeah, one of those places.
Well, I decided as soon as we parked that I was going to eat anything I wanted. I don't know why. I don't know where the thought came from. I wasn't feeling down, deprived, or even devious. And I had even taken a 20 minute walk this morning! But somewhere inside snapped and made me order a fried chicken basket. Damnit. I felt bad as soon as I ordered. As I was eating and enjoying every fried bite I was feeling so guilty. I drank my unsweet tea and dipped my fries and chickens into "house dipping sauce" and ranch dressing. And not the light kind either. It was so good. I feel so bad.
I've got plans tonight and don't know if I have time to get sweaty and clean again before having to leave at 6:45.
I'm sure gonna try though.
-jafg
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Day Trippin'
04/22/10
285.0 lbs
One more down...
I don't know where you are, but it's a B-E-A-utiful day here in Smaller Southern City. Happy Earth Day! Go recycle something like the carbs you ate at lunch.....use them as fuel for a walk outside or something.
I'm heading on a big 3-0 birthday bash trip this weekend. Not mine...I'm older than that. SAG is turning 30. Awesome! It should be fun. There's like 10 of us piling into three rooms. How very spring break of us, right?
However, what I don't want happening is a reversal on the scale front. I'm gonna have to figure out how to keep being healthy while we're partaking of an adult beverage or two. And noshing on food. Wish me lucks!
There's been a threat of a hot tub night. Good Lawd. How am I gonna get out of that one?
-jafg
285.0 lbs
One more down...
I don't know where you are, but it's a B-E-A-utiful day here in Smaller Southern City. Happy Earth Day! Go recycle something like the carbs you ate at lunch.....use them as fuel for a walk outside or something.
I'm heading on a big 3-0 birthday bash trip this weekend. Not mine...I'm older than that. SAG is turning 30. Awesome! It should be fun. There's like 10 of us piling into three rooms. How very spring break of us, right?
However, what I don't want happening is a reversal on the scale front. I'm gonna have to figure out how to keep being healthy while we're partaking of an adult beverage or two. And noshing on food. Wish me lucks!
There's been a threat of a hot tub night. Good Lawd. How am I gonna get out of that one?
-jafg
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Fearing the Flappy Flab
10/28/09
281.6 lbs
I really don't see this as a gain. It fluxuated like this last week. If it goes up tomorrow, I'll consider panicking.
I watched The Biggest Loser last night. I tuned in after "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown". I don't really follow that show. I've just never gotten past the fact that there are people out there that are watching it to make fun of fat people or exploit them or whatever. You know they're out there.
I'm gonna sound like a bitch here...you've been warned.
I was watching the "last chance workout" and saw a lot of emotional-baggage/crying-stuff stuff. Why on earth would anyone allow themselves to have these breakdowns on national TV? In a room full of sweaty people? And with a personal trainer?! It's not like he or she is a trained psychologist or something. The girl trainer totally looks uncomfortable with the tears. She's just mean, anyway. This all bugs me. Greatly. Work on your issues elsewhere, please. I had the same problem with More to Love. All the "I've been sad all my life and that's why I'm fat" crap. This isn't going to make me a popular person, but it is possible to be fat and be fairly well-adjusted. Really. It is. Nevermind the fact that I had my own personal breakdown when trying to go to the gym. That may have been talked about on the internet, but you wouldn't know me from any other cute fat lady standing behind you eyeing the peanut M & M's in the grocery. Anonymity is not an option when you have a TV camera in your face.
Enough of that. What I really wanted to comment on is a fear that I've developed after watching last night's episode. In all seriousness here, I'm afraid of sagging skin when I finally drop the weight. These folks are losing weight at hyper-speed (like 101 lbs in 7 weeks-WTF?!?) so they've drastically changed eating habits and work-out from dawn until way past dusk. It's super fast weightloss so maybe the skin doesn't have time to recover, but come on...that's a lot of saggy skin.
I've never posted full body pictures here...and maybe I should....so you don't really ever see anything other than the words I type on the screen. Of course, this doesn't represent any of my physical qualities but my fabulous personality traits. You all know you'd have fun with me if we ever went out for adult beverages. I'd make you have fun. You wouldn't be allowed to do anything else. Anyway, my point is, I am less than 20 lbs away from 300lbs. (There's a dose of reality for ya.) There is only so much "weight appropriate" dressing you can do with a good top and bottom set. Silhoettes only go so far.
Well, there's a lot of skin covering a lot of fat here. When the fat goes away, what's gonna happen to the skin?!?! I'm nervous. I'm thinking of my Middle and my arms here. Not to mention my breasts. I don't need them to deflate! I've watched Dr. 90210 before. I watched Adam Sandler's "Click" (it wasn't the best movie in the world). I've seen those mushy fleshy all puckered and flat pieces of skin that are just lying there on otherwise skinny people.
For those of you in the reading audience who have lost large amounts of wieght and surface area, what happened to your skin? If you lose the weight slowly, does this not happen?
Is there hope or only serious cosmetic surgery in my future?
-jafg
281.6 lbs
I really don't see this as a gain. It fluxuated like this last week. If it goes up tomorrow, I'll consider panicking.
I watched The Biggest Loser last night. I tuned in after "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown". I don't really follow that show. I've just never gotten past the fact that there are people out there that are watching it to make fun of fat people or exploit them or whatever. You know they're out there.
I'm gonna sound like a bitch here...you've been warned.
I was watching the "last chance workout" and saw a lot of emotional-baggage/crying-stuff stuff. Why on earth would anyone allow themselves to have these breakdowns on national TV? In a room full of sweaty people? And with a personal trainer?! It's not like he or she is a trained psychologist or something. The girl trainer totally looks uncomfortable with the tears. She's just mean, anyway. This all bugs me. Greatly. Work on your issues elsewhere, please. I had the same problem with More to Love. All the "I've been sad all my life and that's why I'm fat" crap. This isn't going to make me a popular person, but it is possible to be fat and be fairly well-adjusted. Really. It is. Nevermind the fact that I had my own personal breakdown when trying to go to the gym. That may have been talked about on the internet, but you wouldn't know me from any other cute fat lady standing behind you eyeing the peanut M & M's in the grocery. Anonymity is not an option when you have a TV camera in your face.
Enough of that. What I really wanted to comment on is a fear that I've developed after watching last night's episode. In all seriousness here, I'm afraid of sagging skin when I finally drop the weight. These folks are losing weight at hyper-speed (like 101 lbs in 7 weeks-WTF?!?) so they've drastically changed eating habits and work-out from dawn until way past dusk. It's super fast weightloss so maybe the skin doesn't have time to recover, but come on...that's a lot of saggy skin.
I've never posted full body pictures here...and maybe I should....so you don't really ever see anything other than the words I type on the screen. Of course, this doesn't represent any of my physical qualities but my fabulous personality traits. You all know you'd have fun with me if we ever went out for adult beverages. I'd make you have fun. You wouldn't be allowed to do anything else. Anyway, my point is, I am less than 20 lbs away from 300lbs. (There's a dose of reality for ya.) There is only so much "weight appropriate" dressing you can do with a good top and bottom set. Silhoettes only go so far.
Well, there's a lot of skin covering a lot of fat here. When the fat goes away, what's gonna happen to the skin?!?! I'm nervous. I'm thinking of my Middle and my arms here. Not to mention my breasts. I don't need them to deflate! I've watched Dr. 90210 before. I watched Adam Sandler's "Click" (it wasn't the best movie in the world). I've seen those mushy fleshy all puckered and flat pieces of skin that are just lying there on otherwise skinny people.
For those of you in the reading audience who have lost large amounts of wieght and surface area, what happened to your skin? If you lose the weight slowly, does this not happen?
Is there hope or only serious cosmetic surgery in my future?
-jafg
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
But I Didn't Post
09/22/09
???.? lbs
I can't even provide a good estimation for you today, boys and girls.
I travel in a week. Travel days suck. We'll see.
As you can tell, I've been silent on the bloggin front for awhile. Fuhgeddabout the weekend posting I was so planning on doing this weekend. Totally didn't happen in case you didn't know. Crap. I couldn't even get motivated to sit on my arse and type in a blog this weekend. I did get some things done around the abode which have been neglected since company last weekend. It was great. But I didn't post.
Friday I went grocery shopping on my lunch. I bought Mac 'n' Cheese and Fried Veggie Sticks from the "hotbar" and that was my lunch. I am very proud to say, though, that I did not buy the Blue Box MnC which often times can find its way into my grocery cart. It's a guilty pleasure of mine. Like cereal at night. I eat cereal like ice cream. I try to buy Kashi most of the time, but sometimes Golden Grahams or Lucky Charms come to visit. I also don't eat cereal in a bowl, I eat it from a coffee cup, like my ice cream. Which I haven't bought in a while. Yea me!
Cereal and ice cream got me going off on a tangent...
As I was saying, I went grocery shopping on Friday during my lunch break. This was strategic since the grocery by work was having the best of the sales and I didn't want to grocery-hop this time. I got bone-in chicken breasts and drum sticks. Dark meat isn't the healthiest, but baked, it's still not too bad. My freezer is stocked with chicken parts. Yum.
I also got the lean ground chuck which I used some of to make Tacos on Saturday. I like to get the really lean ground beef like the 94%-6% ratio. I couldn't find it and Grocery was having a good sale on the family pack "lean" ground chuck. Turns out this stuff isn't so lean. The ratio is like 85%-15%. Yikes. I cooked the hell out of it, and then drained it off and rinsed the hell out of it, too. I hope that helped. I'd like to think it did.
Anyway, I did this grocery shopping on Friday because I felt a need to unplug coming on. That means cell phones and computers off, My Friends. I didn't want to venture out from the apartment once I got home. I like those weekends as much as I like the very sociable weekends. It was great. But I didn't post.
I'm not lazy when these moods strike, it's almost the opposite. I start "nesting", know what I mean? I clean, vaccuum, wash dishes, organize piles, wash clothes, redecorate, that sort of thing. Most people probably do these on a very regular basis, I do it just enough to make the house livable chaos. Sometimes, though, toilets just need to be scrubbed. So I get busy. This also means, that I'm most likely not going to change out of the jammies until about 6:00pm and then it's just to feel like I got dressed that day.
I started washing clothes, sheets, towels, and such Friday when I got home. After I walked up The Stairs twice with damn groceries. That sucked. Anyway, my washer was going all weekend (not contsantly, mind you, but I did wash all weekend). I vaccummed up the bedroom, dusted a bit, and watched Movies on Demand. It was great. But I didn't post.
I didn't do the one thing that I wanted to which was try to keep motivated about weight stuff, instead, I unplugged from it. I was active, I moved, I wasn't just glued to my couch, but I didn't lose poundage this weekend either. I most likely gained. I'll be confirming that tomorrow.
I always drive by the complex gym on my way home and have really started to feel guilty about not being in there. I've got to do something. I've got to take action. I'm running out of excuses to talk about me and my fat and it's starting to weigh on me! Egad! Now I have emotional weight, too!? What the hell?! My ass isn't enough for me to carry around?!?!
Something's gotta give here.
-jafg
???.? lbs
I can't even provide a good estimation for you today, boys and girls.
I travel in a week. Travel days suck. We'll see.
As you can tell, I've been silent on the bloggin front for awhile. Fuhgeddabout the weekend posting I was so planning on doing this weekend. Totally didn't happen in case you didn't know. Crap. I couldn't even get motivated to sit on my arse and type in a blog this weekend. I did get some things done around the abode which have been neglected since company last weekend. It was great. But I didn't post.
Friday I went grocery shopping on my lunch. I bought Mac 'n' Cheese and Fried Veggie Sticks from the "hotbar" and that was my lunch. I am very proud to say, though, that I did not buy the Blue Box MnC which often times can find its way into my grocery cart. It's a guilty pleasure of mine. Like cereal at night. I eat cereal like ice cream. I try to buy Kashi most of the time, but sometimes Golden Grahams or Lucky Charms come to visit. I also don't eat cereal in a bowl, I eat it from a coffee cup, like my ice cream. Which I haven't bought in a while. Yea me!
Cereal and ice cream got me going off on a tangent...
As I was saying, I went grocery shopping on Friday during my lunch break. This was strategic since the grocery by work was having the best of the sales and I didn't want to grocery-hop this time. I got bone-in chicken breasts and drum sticks. Dark meat isn't the healthiest, but baked, it's still not too bad. My freezer is stocked with chicken parts. Yum.
I also got the lean ground chuck which I used some of to make Tacos on Saturday. I like to get the really lean ground beef like the 94%-6% ratio. I couldn't find it and Grocery was having a good sale on the family pack "lean" ground chuck. Turns out this stuff isn't so lean. The ratio is like 85%-15%. Yikes. I cooked the hell out of it, and then drained it off and rinsed the hell out of it, too. I hope that helped. I'd like to think it did.
Anyway, I did this grocery shopping on Friday because I felt a need to unplug coming on. That means cell phones and computers off, My Friends. I didn't want to venture out from the apartment once I got home. I like those weekends as much as I like the very sociable weekends. It was great. But I didn't post.
I'm not lazy when these moods strike, it's almost the opposite. I start "nesting", know what I mean? I clean, vaccuum, wash dishes, organize piles, wash clothes, redecorate, that sort of thing. Most people probably do these on a very regular basis, I do it just enough to make the house livable chaos. Sometimes, though, toilets just need to be scrubbed. So I get busy. This also means, that I'm most likely not going to change out of the jammies until about 6:00pm and then it's just to feel like I got dressed that day.
I started washing clothes, sheets, towels, and such Friday when I got home. After I walked up The Stairs twice with damn groceries. That sucked. Anyway, my washer was going all weekend (not contsantly, mind you, but I did wash all weekend). I vaccummed up the bedroom, dusted a bit, and watched Movies on Demand. It was great. But I didn't post.
I didn't do the one thing that I wanted to which was try to keep motivated about weight stuff, instead, I unplugged from it. I was active, I moved, I wasn't just glued to my couch, but I didn't lose poundage this weekend either. I most likely gained. I'll be confirming that tomorrow.
I always drive by the complex gym on my way home and have really started to feel guilty about not being in there. I've got to do something. I've got to take action. I'm running out of excuses to talk about me and my fat and it's starting to weigh on me! Egad! Now I have emotional weight, too!? What the hell?! My ass isn't enough for me to carry around?!?!
Something's gotta give here.
-jafg
Friday, September 4, 2009
Do I Stay or Do I Go? a.k.a Indecent Exposure
09/04/09
285.0 lbs
Holding steady, People. Let's see what happens on Monday.
It's Friday. Even better is the fact that it's a Friday of a long weekend. Hoo Ray!
I don't have plans this weekend. Well, I've been invited to watch college football on Saturday. This is as sacred as Sunday School in the South. I'm not loyal to any one team; it depends on who I'm around at the time. But don't tell anyone. It's an obsession in Small Southern City. I've never seen so many spirit tags or bumper stickers on cars in any one place before. It's kinda scary.
I also have an invite to go to a lakehouse Sunday and Monday. I accepted. Yikes. Skinny Athletic Girl will be there. Now remember how SAG looked last weekend? Well, tripple that H-O-T-ness with a string bikini and super tan body. Holy. Crap. What is jafg to do?
I've been back and forth about wether or not to go. If I go, how do I say I haven't been able to find my swimsuit in like 2 YEARS. Will I be able to avoid any possible photo ops? Trust me, I haven't practiced posing for pictures in skin tight lycra. Hell, I avoid the mirror as much as possible when going from the bedroom to the bathroom for a shower. That's pretty much the same thing. Add to that the lack of boobage support in most one pieces and it's really not a pretty picture.
Let me share with you just how bad this is. Last night, I had a dream that I was in my swimsuit with shorts on. Not too bad, right? Well, I'm hanging out with everyone and I look down to find I was wearing a bra on the outside of the thing. I think that's the closest I've ever been to having the "I'm naked in front of everybody" dream. Great.
Ok...How do I get out of this? What possible excuse would I have for not going besides my fatness. I mean come on. I've got to be stronger than this. I really don't get my self worth from my weight, but I don't parade around all happy about being fat either. My Fat agrees with me on this point. Is it possible to overcome this obvious stress of being a fat girl in a very skinny situation and have a good time? I wouldn't be expected to wear a swimsuit the entire time. Or whatever make-shift version I have to come up with since I can't even bring myself to buy one, either. Egad!
Here's the kicker. On one of those nights out with SAG and adult beverages, I practically begged to go to Lake House. Two weeks later and here we are; invited. Damnit.
That's right, folks. I asked for this torment.
-jafg
285.0 lbs
Holding steady, People. Let's see what happens on Monday.
It's Friday. Even better is the fact that it's a Friday of a long weekend. Hoo Ray!
I don't have plans this weekend. Well, I've been invited to watch college football on Saturday. This is as sacred as Sunday School in the South. I'm not loyal to any one team; it depends on who I'm around at the time. But don't tell anyone. It's an obsession in Small Southern City. I've never seen so many spirit tags or bumper stickers on cars in any one place before. It's kinda scary.
I also have an invite to go to a lakehouse Sunday and Monday. I accepted. Yikes. Skinny Athletic Girl will be there. Now remember how SAG looked last weekend? Well, tripple that H-O-T-ness with a string bikini and super tan body. Holy. Crap. What is jafg to do?
I've been back and forth about wether or not to go. If I go, how do I say I haven't been able to find my swimsuit in like 2 YEARS. Will I be able to avoid any possible photo ops? Trust me, I haven't practiced posing for pictures in skin tight lycra. Hell, I avoid the mirror as much as possible when going from the bedroom to the bathroom for a shower. That's pretty much the same thing. Add to that the lack of boobage support in most one pieces and it's really not a pretty picture.
Let me share with you just how bad this is. Last night, I had a dream that I was in my swimsuit with shorts on. Not too bad, right? Well, I'm hanging out with everyone and I look down to find I was wearing a bra on the outside of the thing. I think that's the closest I've ever been to having the "I'm naked in front of everybody" dream. Great.
Ok...How do I get out of this? What possible excuse would I have for not going besides my fatness. I mean come on. I've got to be stronger than this. I really don't get my self worth from my weight, but I don't parade around all happy about being fat either. My Fat agrees with me on this point. Is it possible to overcome this obvious stress of being a fat girl in a very skinny situation and have a good time? I wouldn't be expected to wear a swimsuit the entire time. Or whatever make-shift version I have to come up with since I can't even bring myself to buy one, either. Egad!
Here's the kicker. On one of those nights out with SAG and adult beverages, I practically begged to go to Lake House. Two weeks later and here we are; invited. Damnit.
That's right, folks. I asked for this torment.
-jafg
Monday, August 24, 2009
I Need A Good 12-Step. Really.
08/24/09
285.4 lbs
That's from Saturday. It probably a little higher today, though.
Hello, blogging buddies. Did you miss me? It's been almost a week since my last confession. I mean blogpost. I'm feeling a little shameful about it.
I have been in the most funkiest funk. It started last week. I hit a metaphorical brick wall and am still kinda licking my wounds. Poor me. I crawled in bed at 5:00pm on Thursday and didn't get out until 10:00am Friday. And then I slept most of the day Friday, too. Saturday was a little better. I got out and saw Julie & Julia. Great movie! It's all about blogging and food. What's better than that? I mean, that's pretty much what I do, right?
After the movie, I did what any red-blooded American Woman would do when in a funk. I went shopping. I landed at Target. I heart Target. Especially when it's a Super Target. You get Food and Fashion all in the same place. It's great. I restricted my shopping to things I needed but wouldn't just buy everyday like nail polish. I got a great color. Fantab really. It's a metallic grayish pink. It's on my fingers and toes. In the sun, I look like I have pink chrome on my nails. Awesome. I'll get the name of it tonight and add a Post-Post Script tomorrow.
So, Sunday I still wasn't feeling all shiny and happy so, off to the stores again. I'll share a little make-up tip with you. Sally Beauty Supply has a great line called Femme Couture Mineral Effects. It's great stuff. Really. I wouldn't steer you wrong when it comes to war paint. Also, it's way cheaper than most mineral make-up. WAY cheaper.
I also decided to do my own highlights. Money Saving tips and all. When I lived in Big Southern City, my BFF was my stylist for YEARS. He knew my hair better than I did. The relationship ended when I moved to Beachtown. It took a year to find a replacement. When I did, it was magical. Fireworks and everything! I just moved to Small Southern City 5 months ago. I still haven't met The One. As you can see, I take hair very seriously, so this whole do-it-yourself thing has me a little worried. Keep your fingers crossed.
I decided I need a new top. I went to Avenue after Sally's. It's hit or miss. On Sunday, it was all miss. I'm going to Khol's sometime this week. I heart Khol's, too. I need a top. I need something that makes me feel pretty. Thus, the new do, war paint, and finger/toe nails. A new top will just 'top' everything like a cherry on a sundae. Or nuts, if you prefer.
I had one of those last night. A sundae, that is. This blogging business has made me realize I have a thing for ice cream. Note to self, break up with ice cream. I had to do the walk of shame from my car to my place at the top of The Stairs. At least I got a bit of exercise in the process. Doubt it worked off that fudge.
Funkiest Funk has opened the door to ungood eating. Well, it's been good, but not "good for you". I've tried, but pretty much failed for over a week. See Weight above. I'm almost back where I started. Yea. Go me. I realized something though. I'm addicted to my fat. It gives me an excuse to eat sundaes. I told you this is my love/hate relationship with the world of weight. I wasn't lyin.
As much as I try to change, to shed the poundage, I have to admit find comfort and solace in the buldge. I also love to hate it, too. OMG What is wrong with me??!! I have these arguments with my fat. Sometimes I win, sometimes my fat does. Either way, the battle's not too pretty.
I think I need a 12-step. I've admitted I'm fat-I mean I'm addicted to my fat. Step one down. Now I need to change my ways. I need to do something that is anti-fat. I'm not ready to give up food, so I think I'm actually going to have to start being ACTIVE. Ew. Who wants to be my buddy? There's no talking about my shopping, though.
-jafg
Disclaimer:
Please note that this blog is not making light of other addictions such as Alcohol or Narcotics or such. If you are on your own journey of recovery, I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
285.4 lbs
That's from Saturday. It probably a little higher today, though.
Hello, blogging buddies. Did you miss me? It's been almost a week since my last confession. I mean blogpost. I'm feeling a little shameful about it.
I have been in the most funkiest funk. It started last week. I hit a metaphorical brick wall and am still kinda licking my wounds. Poor me. I crawled in bed at 5:00pm on Thursday and didn't get out until 10:00am Friday. And then I slept most of the day Friday, too. Saturday was a little better. I got out and saw Julie & Julia. Great movie! It's all about blogging and food. What's better than that? I mean, that's pretty much what I do, right?
After the movie, I did what any red-blooded American Woman would do when in a funk. I went shopping. I landed at Target. I heart Target. Especially when it's a Super Target. You get Food and Fashion all in the same place. It's great. I restricted my shopping to things I needed but wouldn't just buy everyday like nail polish. I got a great color. Fantab really. It's a metallic grayish pink. It's on my fingers and toes. In the sun, I look like I have pink chrome on my nails. Awesome. I'll get the name of it tonight and add a Post-Post Script tomorrow.
So, Sunday I still wasn't feeling all shiny and happy so, off to the stores again. I'll share a little make-up tip with you. Sally Beauty Supply has a great line called Femme Couture Mineral Effects. It's great stuff. Really. I wouldn't steer you wrong when it comes to war paint. Also, it's way cheaper than most mineral make-up. WAY cheaper.
I also decided to do my own highlights. Money Saving tips and all. When I lived in Big Southern City, my BFF was my stylist for YEARS. He knew my hair better than I did. The relationship ended when I moved to Beachtown. It took a year to find a replacement. When I did, it was magical. Fireworks and everything! I just moved to Small Southern City 5 months ago. I still haven't met The One. As you can see, I take hair very seriously, so this whole do-it-yourself thing has me a little worried. Keep your fingers crossed.
I decided I need a new top. I went to Avenue after Sally's. It's hit or miss. On Sunday, it was all miss. I'm going to Khol's sometime this week. I heart Khol's, too. I need a top. I need something that makes me feel pretty. Thus, the new do, war paint, and finger/toe nails. A new top will just 'top' everything like a cherry on a sundae. Or nuts, if you prefer.
I had one of those last night. A sundae, that is. This blogging business has made me realize I have a thing for ice cream. Note to self, break up with ice cream. I had to do the walk of shame from my car to my place at the top of The Stairs. At least I got a bit of exercise in the process. Doubt it worked off that fudge.
Funkiest Funk has opened the door to ungood eating. Well, it's been good, but not "good for you". I've tried, but pretty much failed for over a week. See Weight above. I'm almost back where I started. Yea. Go me. I realized something though. I'm addicted to my fat. It gives me an excuse to eat sundaes. I told you this is my love/hate relationship with the world of weight. I wasn't lyin.
As much as I try to change, to shed the poundage, I have to admit find comfort and solace in the buldge. I also love to hate it, too. OMG What is wrong with me??!! I have these arguments with my fat. Sometimes I win, sometimes my fat does. Either way, the battle's not too pretty.
I think I need a 12-step. I've admitted I'm fat-I mean I'm addicted to my fat. Step one down. Now I need to change my ways. I need to do something that is anti-fat. I'm not ready to give up food, so I think I'm actually going to have to start being ACTIVE. Ew. Who wants to be my buddy? There's no talking about my shopping, though.
-jafg
Disclaimer:
Please note that this blog is not making light of other addictions such as Alcohol or Narcotics or such. If you are on your own journey of recovery, I sincerely wish you the best of luck.
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