To B or Not To BBW

07/28/09

Weight: 286.5 lbs

That's a guess. I haven't weighed myself since Saturday. Refer to previous post....

I discovered the world of the B-B-W. That is (Big) (Beautiful) Women. I'm trying to disclose this as carefully as possible because these are trigger words for the seedy side of the internet which attracts crawlers and what not. And trust me, it's not something you want to see.

Now, let me first say that this is a PG-13 blog. I will most likely swear, but I won't say anything I wouldn't want my mom knowing I said. Right now, she's probably my only reader.

Let's continue. There's a movement for Fat Acceptance or Size Acceptance. It's pretty large-no pun intended. Members of these sub-cultures around the world gather for parties and social events and what not. They celebrate both Men and Women of substantial and not so substantial size (one press pic I saw had people that couldn't have been more than a size 12).

While there is a dark underbelly to be avoided, this phenominon of the B-B-W lifestyle isn't all bad. A lot of it is women who are happy being full-figured or plus-sized. They are very sexy and love who they are. They rejoice in the curves.

I would never say that a full-figured woman could not be sexy because that isn't true. Sexy is a state of mind, people. BUT, I don't fit into this category because I really want to lose weight. There are times when I wear sexy all day long. Then there are times where all I focus on is the flab and, thus, need something to munch on. I'd consider myself to be part of this sub-culture if I was a size 16 maybe. Not a size 26.

I went down an ugly rabbithole yesterday. Remember that dark underbelly? Well I pulled back the proverbial curtan and saw some pretty gross stuff. I saw some things that made my eyes burn, literally. I read personal ads full of desparation and just plain nastiness. I can't help but judge this darker side. It seems to be exploitation, not appreciation. I feel a little sorry for these people, too. Life can't have much meaning for them.

I have to say, I have a new appreciation for my weight. I'm not saying I'm happy being fat and I don't want to lose weight. That's just not true. My goal isn't to say that I'm happy being thin, either. I just want to say I am happy. And pretty much I am! My happiness or sadness doesn't come from my size. Although, I'd have a happier happiness if I didn't have the weight around to think about!

Truthfully, I just want to be a W. Not B, not T. Just W. All W.

That in itself would B beautiful!

-jafg