Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Fearing the Flappy Flab

10/28/09

281.6 lbs

I really don't see this as a gain.  It fluxuated like this last week.  If it goes up tomorrow, I'll consider panicking.

I watched The Biggest Loser last night. I tuned in after "It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown".  I don't really follow that show.  I've just never gotten past the fact that there are people out there that are watching it to make fun of fat people or exploit them or whatever.  You know they're out there.

I'm gonna sound like a bitch here...you've been warned. 

I was watching the "last chance workout" and saw a lot of emotional-baggage/crying-stuff stuff.  Why on earth would anyone allow themselves to have these breakdowns on national TV?  In a room full of sweaty people?  And with a personal trainer?!  It's not like he or she is a trained psychologist or something.  The girl trainer totally looks uncomfortable with the tears.  She's just mean, anyway.  This all bugs me.  Greatly.  Work on your issues elsewhere, please.  I had the same problem with More to Love.  All the "I've been sad all my life and that's why I'm fat" crap.  This isn't going to make me a popular person, but it is possible to be fat and be fairly well-adjusted.  Really.  It is.  Nevermind the fact that I had my own personal breakdown when trying to go to the gym.  That may have been talked about on the internet, but you wouldn't know me from any other cute fat lady standing behind you eyeing the peanut M & M's in the grocery.  Anonymity is not an option when you have a TV camera in your face.

Enough of that.  What I really wanted to comment on is a fear that I've developed after watching last night's episode.  In all seriousness here, I'm afraid of sagging skin when I finally drop the weight.  These folks are losing weight at hyper-speed (like 101 lbs in 7 weeks-WTF?!?) so they've drastically changed eating habits and work-out from dawn until way past dusk.  It's super fast weightloss so maybe the skin doesn't have time to recover, but come on...that's a lot of saggy skin. 

I've never posted full body pictures here...and maybe I should....so you don't really ever see anything other than the words I type on the screen.  Of course, this doesn't represent any of my physical qualities but my fabulous personality traits.  You all know you'd have fun with me if we ever went out for adult beverages.  I'd make you have fun.  You wouldn't be allowed to do anything else.  Anyway, my point is, I am less than 20 lbs away from 300lbs.  (There's a dose of reality for ya.)  There is only so much "weight appropriate" dressing you can do with a good top and bottom set.  Silhoettes only go so far. 

Well, there's a lot of skin covering a lot of fat here.  When the fat goes away, what's gonna happen to the skin?!?!  I'm nervous.  I'm thinking of my Middle and my arms here.  Not to mention my breasts.  I don't need them to deflate!  I've watched Dr. 90210 before.  I watched Adam Sandler's "Click" (it wasn't the best movie in the world). I've seen those mushy fleshy all puckered and flat pieces of skin that are just lying there on otherwise skinny people. 

For those of you in the reading audience who have lost large amounts of wieght and surface area, what happened to your skin?  If you lose the weight slowly, does this not happen? 

Is there hope or only serious cosmetic surgery in my future?


-jafg



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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

8 Days: 23 Hours: 27 Minutes: 14 Seconds Ago

10/27/09

280.2 lbs

I've been sick.  I had bronchitis.  I had to get TWO shots in my ass:  1 shot of steriod and 1 shot of antibiotic.  In addition to a pill regiment.  I also had to be tested for strep and flu.  This means they stick  long cotton swabs down your thoat and up your nose.  I'm not bitter.  I am pretty excited about the weight, though.  It did get as high as 284 last week, but I don't know if that really counts because it then bottomed out at the 0 and 1 mark.  I'm counting it as a "holding steady" for a whole week.  That kinda makes up for the shots and the swabs.  Kinda.

I've got bigger news for you, though.  I quit smoking!  I've given you an approximation of the last time I inhaled.  It's not like I'm keeping track or anything. 

As I said, I've been sick.  I saw the opportunity to stop something bad (since I usually only get sick sick when My Habit is in full swing) and I took it.  I'm still coughing and still sound a little hoarse, but over all I'm feeling like a champ.  A bit of a frustrated champ, but still, a champ.

Yes; I've quit before.  This time I'm working on making it permenant. Again.  Years have gone by before between cigarettes, but somehow I manage to let smoking wiggle its way back into my life.  Sort of exactly like My Fat.  It seems a little ridiculous to be trying to change My Fat habits and change My Habit habits at the same time; but, for some reason, my brain has decided to pair them together.  Like having two things to obsess over will actually ease the burden of both.  I don't get the logic, but that's what has ended up happening.  We'll see how it goes.

It's been easier for me to lay My Habit aside when I'm not feeling that great. I was home all last week. Crabbiness wasn't an issue for others. I slept most of the time and the rest of the time I was laid up on the couch with Kitty watching Murder She Wrote. It's on Hallmark in the middle of the day and it's totally a guilty pleasure. I usually record it.

You can't honestly expect me to give up ALL of my vices.

-jafg



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Friday, October 16, 2009

The One Thing I Wasn't Gonna Do

10/16/09

???.? lbs

I was too chicken to get on the scale this morning.

I went to a wine and cheese social last night.  It was ok.  It was a business event and since I'm still new to this town, I don't know many folks in my business.  I'm working on it, though. Well, as the event title suggested, there was plenty of wine and cheese.  The wine was mediocre, but the cheese was fantastic.  I probably ate $20 worth of cheese last night. That and the one glass of wine makes up for my $25 event ticket.

I caught myself on my second plate realizing that I shouldn't be consuming this much cheese.  It's hard to turn down big chunks of Gruy√®re, though.  That stuff's my fave.  That and Rembrandt aged Gouda (not smoked Gouda but, boy, smoked g is great in grits).  Yummmm.  I could make myself sick on the stuff. I have before.  I'm not proud of that.  I did go back and get some carrots to make me feel a little more healthy.

So today I started thinking about a goal.  I said in the beginning there would be no goal-setting, but damnit, I guess I need to.  I don't think blogging all the time is a good enough goal.  This blogging almost every day is really easy because I enjoy it.  It's not work and, for the most part, is pretty much effortless. Shouldn't a goal require some effort to complete?  Well, What do I need to accomplish?  That list is too long to put here so I'll bring out the one I'm thinking about at the moment.  No, not eat less cheese (although, I am trying), but drink more water.  That's right.  Water is my goal. 

I don't actually do a lot of liquid intake during the day with the exception of the occasional Mr. Pibb (which I haven't had since this past weekend) and coffee.  So, I need to drink more water.  So far I've only been able to get one or two glasses in a day.  I need to be drinking like 10.  So...this is my goal.  DRINK WATER.  At least 60 ounces a day.  I am still going to have coffee, but for every one cup of coffee I have I'm going to have 2 glasses of water that don't count toward my goal.

I hate what this means for my bladder.

-jafg



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Thursday, October 15, 2009

Love and Birthday Cake

10/15/09

280.4 lbs

I was confused about that, too.

Thanks so much for all the comments, yesterday.  It was great to learn what gave everyone that big shove they needed to get off the fat couch and get moving toward healthy living.  I also got two new blogfans yesterday and had more comments than I ever had before in one sitting!  Woo Hoo!  I am feeling the love.

Speaking of Love, I may not have mentioned this to you before but it was recently my Birthday.  Well, I was traveling on the day of and didn't really get to do much fun.  Need I remind you of my airplane experience?  Anyway, What I DID get to do was spend a few hours in the Vegas airport so, I guess, it could have been worse.  Like the time I was super sick over New Year's.  That was horrible. 

Okay, getting back to my Love point.  I really wasn't feeling my 34th all that much.  It was turning out to be just a blah birthday.  Not because of anything in particular, but I didn't make much fanfare and was feeling a little 'whatever' about it.  Some years are just like that... 

So, I told you yesterday I was attending a belated Birthday Bash for me.  It was great!  My work friends, my mom, and my non-work friends all met out and celebrated me.  I know I sound like a self-centered little jafg (and I kind of am), but in all seriousness, I was really feeling the love.  It's a heartwarming, humbling experience when everyone celebrates you.

So yesterday was awesome, we've established that.  Well, this morning when I got on the scale, I really couldn't believe what I was seeing.  [See weight above]  I got on the scale twice just to test it out, but the number stayed the same; right down to the ounce.  I am thrilled!  For the record, the only thing I've really started again is cutting back on food consumption.  I'm not snacking at night, I'm eating Lean Cuisines for lunch (mostly) and that's pretty much it.  I'm a little surprised to see such a drop this morning.  I'm hoping it holds out.


Of course, I can't wait for first chance to get to my blog.  When there, I hit my reader.  I check on a blog I've been following closely this week:  Creating Natasha.  She's Canadian; don't hold it against her.  (Hey, I'm from the South.  I've earned the right to make fun of other geographical locations.)  I find out that she's responded to not one, but TWO of my witty little comments from the week!  RIGHT IN HER BLOG!  What an awesome present.  I told her it was like I was a guest poster or something.  I felt so cool! Which is really funny considering she wrote about that this week.

Everybody's birthday should be special! It's a special day! My special day just came a week and a half later than usual. I was even surprised with a birthday cake at work yesterday. It was good. I did have some; after all, it was for me.


-jafg



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Wednesday, October 14, 2009

What Have I Done For Me Lately?

10/14/09

284.2 lbs

I'm eating a Wendy's taco salad for lunch today.  I have to wear a napkin as a bib because it's messy.  It's not what I started out to get, but I'm glad I went with this rather than a mushroom swiss burger and fries from some other place.  Great, I just dropped some chili on my blouse.  Good thing it's synthetic material; I just sponged it off without a problem.

I have to tell you, my blog-reading friends, I really wanted to post something yesterday but didn't have a damn thing to write about.  It was depressing.  Just sitting at my desk staring at the blinking cursor on the white screen was killing me.  I'm surprised I'm here to tell you about it today! 

I'm going to be very busy over the next few days.  I've got a belated birthday party to attend tonight which I am super excited about.  It's for me.  The restaurant where we're going has freakin' fantastic french onion soup and that's what I'll be having for dinner.  Tomorrow I'm going to a Wine and Cheese shindig after work.  It's a business event, but I'm looking forward to it anyway.  I love wine and I love cheese.  There's gonna be a bunch of women there, so I won't be overdoing it (Thank you, Social Peer Pressure). 

Friday night, I'm going to hear an awesome local band play at a bar that's pretty close to home and then Saturday I'm attending my first SEC football game (That's Southeastern Conference for those of you who don't know).  I'm a little worried about that, turth be told.  It should be fun, though.  Tailgating will be!  You'll all get to hear about it next week.  The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Since I couldn't think of anything to write about yesterday, I spent my freetime reading other blogs.  I also spent my freetime reading my blog.  I started from the beginning and read it all again.  It's a lot of reading at one time.  I've got some pretty funny stuff, and I have some stuff that isn't as funny as I thought it was.  Damnit. 

I also watched the tracking of the weight go from as high as 287+ to as low as 279+.  I'm now at 284+.  I guess that is somewhat progress.  It depressed me a bit.  Not really, but kinda.  It made me wonder--after reading my blog and so many others--what really makes it happen.  Yeah, yeah, I know, only I can make the decision to change myself...blah blah blah.  But when does the click come in? 

Technically, I'm still sitting on the sidelines watching everybody else make progress and lose weight.  And let me tell you, the people out there making strides are people that have had really come a long way!  We're talking in the high double to triple figures here!  That's my level of needed weightloss.  It isn't like someone trying to work off an extra 5 lbs. or so.  Which is hard for them, but we should all have these problems!

I'm still not motivated to really get out there and START. I've had a great time meeting friends and influencing people, but what have I really done for myself? 

What made you get off the couch and kick your own ass?  When was that "AHA" moment for you?

-jafg



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Monday, October 12, 2009

I Can Has Cheezburger

10/12/09

284.4 lbs

This weekend was uneventful.  I did learn I'm not a dog person.  Which is funny because I only got a cat to appease the need to get a dog.  I didn't think apartment living would be good for a dog.  Now, I can't imagine life without my cat.  I heart him!



Well, I did nothing on Friday night except watch True Blood Season Two.  SAG has HBO and thus has HBO On Demand.  I watched the entire season over the weekend. It was great.  It's a little weird, but I didn't mind too much.  I watched most of it on Friday night because I found it very difficult to sleep in a strange place.  Even with a dog in the house. 

Ok, I've been over to SAG's house plenty of times, even had dinner there a few.  Remember the Butter with a side of Pasta dinner?  Well, I couldn't pass up the chance to nose around her healthy place to see her food.  That's right.  I nosed.  Guess what I found out.  She has no less than 5 different kinds of Little Debbie snacks in her pantry!  That and Chef Boy-R-Dee cans of stuff as well as a freezer full of things that make My Fat grow just reading their boxes at the grocery.  There's tons of Mac-N-Cheese and other pasta products lying around too.  It's pretty crazy.  I see why she's so active now.  She has to be.  She's not nutritional in the food consumption department.  She did tell me once that she works out to be able to eat the way she does, but I had no idea

I don't know how I feel about this really.  Am I jealous or disgusted?  The latter would classify me in the "I'm a bit judgemental" department, but, I mean, damn.  She is a working-out fool.  I gotta say I really was hoping for some healthy food somewhere.  Suppliments would have been good, even!  But no.  It's all crap.  Like Totino's pizzas.  I thought they were only drunk food, ya know?  Food you eat when you're getting home after a night of merry-making and you forgot to stop at Waffle House.  Apperantly not.  Apperantly you can eat them for regular dinner, too.  And Spaghetti-O's.  With an Oatmeal Pie.  Or a Coffee Dunkin' Stick. 

I have to admit, though.  I had to have an Oatmeal Pie.  They're like my favorite.

-jafg


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Friday, October 9, 2009

My Big Fat Wii Mii

10/09/09

43-44 BMI

That's right; BMI.  Just keep reading.

I'm dog-sitting this weekend.  For SAG (Skinny Athletic Girl for those of you who are new to the JAFG storyline).  Her dog is fantastic.  Loves to play, doesn't jump on you when you walk into the room and also loves to be snuggled.  AND is the softest dog you'll ever pet.  Really.  It's almost unnatural how soft this dog is.  I don't have to spend every waking minute with her, but I am spending the night with her.  Tonight and tomorrow night.  That leaves a little bit of time to do nothing in an empty house.  With just me and the dog.  Since I'm dog-sitting, I visited last night to learn the food and outside routine of the pupster.  SAG's an electronics fanatic so I also had to learn which of the 15 remotes works the TV.

SAG also has a Wii.  Yea!  I love Wii Bowling.  It's awesome and somehow I make a strike almost every time.  This is amazing since in the real world my bowling score is usually 43.  She's got a few games, but what she has that I've been looking forward to most is Wii Fit.  I learned how to power it up and since it was the first time I've ever used it, I had to create a Mii. 

I've heard about these little bastards. They start out all cute and sweet and once you step on the balance board [insert some crescendo-ing computer sound indicating "increase" or "growth"] and then.....BAM!  It turns you into a Fat Wii Mii.  What the hell is that?!?!  Even in a cartoon world I'm fat!  I can't freakin' believe it.  I didn't even have the option to lie.  And I would have if I was given the chance.

The really funny thing is that SAG was right there with me walking me through every step.  Yeah.  I was really laughing.  I told her there was no way in hell I would disclose my weight.  It asked me, but I got to hit next.  Once it was done, it did a calculation based on my height (I'm 5'6" if you remember from the first post) and proudly announced my BMI.  Great.  Turns out I am like 43.8 or something like that.  Turns out I'm supposed to be like 23.4 or something.  I'm like practically double the BMI number I'm supposed to be.  Nice.  Oh, it also turns out that once you're all done, it takes your fat Wii Mii ass back to the main menu where you  stand side-by-side next to a Skinny Athletic Wii Mii version of SAG.  You'd think this would be the worst part of it. You'd think that it couldn't possibly more humiliating than this. You'd be wrong. 

Once I have my little smiley fat and sassy Wii Mii created, we get move onto the balancing games.  There's this one game where you try to hit soccer balls with your Mii head.  I didn't quite grasp that concept and thought I was supposed to dodge the soccer balls. Obviously I didn't play a lot of sports as a child.  Well, I finally figured out how to make my Mii move and hit balls.  The damn game throws shoes and panda heads at your Mii, too.  You're supposed to doge those.  They're really the only thing I actually hit, or hit me, or whatever.  It's a little twisted, I know.  So I gave up on that after about 5 minutes and was introduced to the "Basic Stepping" program. 

In this "Basic Stepping" program, there's the bunch of little mini Wii Miis on a stage and you're supposed to follow the footprints you see on the screen and step on the balance board.  Apparently, it matters which foot you use.  Like if they want you to use your right one, you're actually supposed to use your right one.  Meh. It sounds like it'd be easy.  It's not.  I got all confused and only got it right when my feet weren't  supposed to be on the balance board.  You've gotta move side to side front to back it's damn confusing. 

SAG decided to jump in and "show me how it's done".  This is where it gets really bad.  Remember how it knows my weight and BMI (it didn't show my weight, but I know it knows the damn thing).  Well, it adapts to the levels of pressure that are supposed to be applied based on the person that standing on the thing.  That means that skinny ass SAG with a BMI of like -2 had to practically jump up and down to get the board to recognize that she was on it!  I've been humilitated by a video game. It'd be depressing if it weren't so damn funny.

It occurred to me as I got in my car and lit my cigarette, I just did some exercise.  Hmm.  Pretty cool.

-jafg


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Thursday, October 8, 2009

Something Wicked This Way Comes......


10/08/09

284.8 lbs

WTH?

I am SO excited about Halloween.  About the whole upcoming holiday season really.  It starts with my Birthday and rolls through New Year's.  I really love Halloween though.  I read once that as the holiday grew in popularity in the 60's our parents passed that holiday fun-lovin gene down through the 70's and 80's and 90's (even with the razorblade in the apple stuff-which, btw, has never really happened) and basically we GenXers and generations that followed have just brought it with us up into adulthood.  I mean, who doesn't love dressing up like an idiot and making merriment all night?

That's me in that picture in case you're wondering.  I figured since I'm sporting my super fantastic 60's-pink-bobbed-hair wig, I could consider my JAFG super secret identity still intact.  I'm also wearing a tiara, but that's not really part of the costume since I'll wear it pretty much whenever I want. 

I'm not sure what costume I'll come up with this year.  I love going to costume shops and finding great stuff.  I'm not talking Party City either.  I'm talking Theater shops with quality garb.  Stuff that you know won't fall apart by night's end.  I wouldn't mind finding another fantastic wig to add to the collection.  Last year was fun in that Pink Wig.  People loved it. Hell, I loved it!  I even bought one of those styrofoam heads for it to sit on. 

One year BFF and I went to Salem, Mass for Halloween.  Talk about AWESOME.  It's like Mardi Gras in NOLA without all the vomit and other human excriment everywhere.  Which is kinda nice when you think about it.  Actually, if you were caught with a beverage on the street in Salem, you'd be ticketed by the police.  BFF and I did buy some Absynthe online from Europe.  It didn't do a damn thing.  Stupid Green Fairy Tale!   Ooohhh.  Green Fairy.  That's an idea, isn't it?  I wonder how I can pull that off....

I'm going back to Southern City for the holiday to play with my hometown friends.  Who knows what kind of frightful fun we'll find.  I can't wait to go out and laugh make fun of all the craziness that will ensue.  Pictures from Halloween are the best.  Even though all the girls are dressed so trampy.  Oh wait, how's that different from any other Saturday night?


-jafg


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Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Now Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Program...

10/07/09

287.0 lbs

Whateves.  I had a birthday and did what I wanted.  So, my present to myself?  Weight Gain. Thanks, Me!

I've been travelling so that explains the radio silence last week.  It appears, though, that I have two new fans since I've been gone. WooHoo! Welcome JAFG Newbies!

I  travel for business regularly.  Not like monthly or anything, but enough that I have fashionable matching luggage.  I'm always travelling right around my birthday which can be fun, because it's a trip that Company pays for and it's usually in a great locale.  I still pay for my own adult beverages.  Most of the time, though, someone else is around to take care of that.  Hey, I'm a single girl surrounded by a lot of traveling business guys.  It's how it works.

I flew a different airline for the first time in a long time.  I've been a Delta girl (Free Plug) for years.  I traveled on Southwest (yet another Free Plug) this time which was pretty alright.  They don't have real seat assignments.  They assign you a letter group (a-c) and then a number (1-60) and make you board in that order.  I purchased a bump in line for $10 so I was always one of the first 35 to board.  This means you get a better shot at a good seat. 

This also means someone gets stuck next to you, you don't get stuck next to someone.  I hate walking down the aisle of a plane and seeing someone watch you and then realize you're about to squeeze your fat arse into the seat next to them.  With this seating arrangement (or lack thereof), odds are someone's gonna choose the little old lady over the fat girl.  I'm more likely to get an empty seat next to me.  Proof positive that something good comes out of everything, even being JAFG.

Also, I get to struggle with the seatbelt all by myself.  No one has to watch my face go red because it's cutting off the circulation to the upper part of my body.  Deep Vein Thrombosis?  Ha!  I laugh at you!  I have no blood running down to my lower extremities! 

Then there's the arm rest.  It tends to creep up as the flight progresses.  Not because I'm moving it, mind you, but because my thigh fat is slowly seeping underneath it.  So much so that about half way through the flight that middle person has to readjust him/herself and force it back down.  That's not awkward. 

I prefer traveling by myself.  I would rather sit by a complete stranger that I can completely ignore (or dazzle with my bright and shiny personality if I feel like it) and not worry about ever seeing again once we all "deplane".  That's the real way to go.  I don't want to sit next to someone I know who has to pretend to ignore the fact that the seatbelt is one hair shy of being too small (I would never buy my jeans that tight)  or the tray-table doesn't come all the way down and then face them on Monday Morning.  Great.  That's worse than someone walking in on you in the bathroom.  Believe me, I know.

I did get hit on a few times on this trip.  That's always a real ego booster.  These folks are either "industry colleagues" or "industry vendors".  The vendors are sales folk and Sales Folk are always up for a good time.  Sales Folk are usually a good-lookin bunch and I do enjoy some good eye-candy.  It's nice when we're "networking" after the conference meetings and they try to sell you stuff by buying you drinks.  I'm such a conference junkie that most of them know me by now and forgo the sales and get right to the drinks.  And flirting.  I'm just heady enough to still think I'm the shit (No Offense, Jack).  This may increase my pheromone output which says "It's ok to buy me a drink".  Or maybe it's the fact that I actually say "It's ok to buy me a drink".  Either, way, I'm getting a drink. 

Now-a-days, I'm usually out with SAG and The Blondes and getting shoved aside by boys, so being out and about on my own turf really is good for boosting the soul.  And the ego.  I was actually asked to a room.  That's right, boys and girls, I was really hit on.  He's somebody I know and somebody I could do business with one day, so that's a big Negatory on the invite.  But, it was fun and funny.  He was drunk and I was sober(ish).  He's good looking and I was amused.  It almost made the airplane ride worth it!  But not really.

Happy Birthday!

-jafg



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Friday, September 25, 2009

Update From the Battlefield

09/25/09

285.4 lbs (it's only been a few hours)

I just realized that it's been exactly 2 months since I started this blog.  That doesn't make me feel better about yesterday.

However, I did get a comment to my post from my hero Jack Sh*t today. Apparently stalking really is a viable option for attention!


Here's hoping for a better tomorrow.

-jafg


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I Think Therefore I Can't?

09/25/09

285.4 lbs

Ok.  So if you follow me on Twitter, you already know I suck.  If you don't follow me on Twitter, well then....

I suck.

I've been planning to make it to the Gym at my complex.  It's free, or included with the Rent or whatever.  It's right where I pull into my complex and is a short walk away from my 53 steps.  I drive by it in the morning and at night.  Every Day.  Weekend days could be more or less often, but you know what I mean.

I'm so mad at myself, I can feel my pulse quickening as I type.

I brought workout clothes to change into before I left for work.  I changed into those clothes before I left work.  I sat through way too much traffic-still have no idea what that was about-and when I got to my complex the gym parking lot was FULL.  REALLY full. 

My blood ran cold.  I couldn't do it.  It wasn't just My Fat that shrunk back in fear...it was my whole mental being.  I was terrified of walking into that gym and facing all those people.  It was worse than when I had my first "girl doctor" visit.  I don't know about the rest of you ladies, but that was pretty emotionally scarring.  Not a big deal now, but damn,  "You're gonna put that where?"

Let me just lay it all out there for you...

It started at the top of my head. I felt this almost painful tingly sensation roll down my whole body and then my breathing went weird.

Allow me to interject some personal history here...I'm a witty, sardonic, overall emotionally healthy person with normal shit to deal with on a regular basis.  But I haven't always "had it all together".  I used to suffer from debilitating panic and anxiety attacks that would hit me at the most inconvenient moments like driving down the road.  I'd have to pull over and just sit in my car falling apart and hyperventilating until I could get myself calm and continue to drive.  It would take 20-30 minutes.  It's exhausting too.  Medication helps a lot.  Needless to say, this hasn't happened to me since I was 24.  Really? Hey-That's 10 years.  That's pretty damn good now that I think about it. 

But it happened last night.

I can recognize the symptoms.  The tingling and numbing sensation, the blurry vision, the beginning stages of hyperventilation. All of it.  It was not pretty.  I had to sit in my car for about 10 minutes before I could make it up the stairs.  Every movement was deliberate.  Turning off the car.  Pulling the keys out of the ingition.  Opening the door.  Gathering my purse and clothes. Getting out of the car.  Closing the door. Walking up the stairs.  I counted them again.  Opening up the door to home.  As soon as I got the door closed, it happened.  I went into full freakout mode.  It's hard to talk yourself down.  To regain control of your breathing.  To slow your heart rate.  To basically feel human again.

After all was said and done, I took my emergency stash of medication left over from the big move in January (I moved to a new city/state where I knew nothing/no one for a new job and was just a tinsy bit stressted), Twittered about my world class fail, and went to bed to snuggle with the kitty. 

Then I watched Grey's Anatomy  It was the most depressing show ever.

So, that was my evening....How was yours?

-jafg

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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Enter At Your Own Risk

09/24/09

285.5 lbs

Yikes.  I brought my workout clothes to work.  I even remembered to pack matching socks and my tennies.  Oh yeah, I did finally find my other tennie (see my flip-flop post).

I'm trying to take a break from smoking today so that I can really do ok on whatever treadmill-like machine I'll be on (I really hope I'm alone in there...).  I did that by not stopping to buy another pack last night.  What the hell was I thinking?! It's killing me.  I'm also trying to drink plenty of water and not snack at all. 

So picture it, my friends....A nicotine-fiending, food-crazed, exercise-phobia-facing woman sitting at the keyboard. 

All for the purpose of working out in public. Where people can see me. Sweating.  In Shorts. Where I Live.

Holy crap.  I need a cigarette!!



Be afraid.  Be very, very afraid.

-jafg


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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

My Something Plan

09/23/09

???.? lbs

I'm eating Snicker Bar and Bite-Size Twix right now.  And it is good...so bad...but oh so good.

I bought Healthy Choice meals for lunches last Friday because they were on sale, 4-$10.  They were cheaper than Lean Cuisine, but they don't taste so great.  Be warned.  Sometimes, you get what you pay for.  Kinda like trash bags.  Don't skimp on wimpy bags.  Really.  Don't do it.  Just say NO.

So I've been reading blogs like I normally do, mostly because I didn't feel like working and I needed to catch up, and I noticed a running theme:  Everybody's got something going on.  There's newbies (of which I am one, kinda) and then there are those that are several months into this whole "Change Your Damn Life" cycle and then there's those that are the Gurus, the Zen Masters, who we all love and hate at the same time.  But they're all doing something.

I want to do something.  Constantly amusing myself with my own witty banter only goes so far.  And talking about me me me all time does nothing for the rest of the world despite popular belief (or my own, or whatever).  It's really making My Fat's ego get pretty large too.  Just so you know, when your Fat's ego grows, so do your thighs, arse, and the jiggle in the middle.  Damnit. 

Overall, My Fat is feeling pretty confident right about now.  Well, I have a secret.  I'm devising my own Something plan as we speak. Or I type and you read.  You know what I mean.  Remember that gym I mentioned I drive by every day?  Well, tomorrow I'm packing clothes to change into before I leave work and going straight there before I even get home.  Don't tell My Fat, though.  She may talk me out of it.

I'm contemplating responses to the rationalizations My Fat will present tomorrow.  I'm wondering if it'll be like the 5 stages of grief....

Denial:
My Fat:  You're the problem, not me.  I'm cuddly, soft, and make a great pillow for the kitty.

Me:  Yeah, I can't deny the pillow for the kitty part.  Wait...don't deflect with the kitty!  We're both the problem!  My lack of will power and your sense of overindulgence!

Anger:
My Fat:  You suck!

Me:  YOU suck!

Bargaining:
My Fat:  Why don't we just go feed the kitty first, and then go for a walk around the neighborhood?  Why do we have to start with the Gym?

Me:  Nope.  Despite what the kitty thinks, he won't starve if I'm 30 minutes later getting home.  Stop bringing up the kitty.

Depression:
My Fat:  Why try?  I can't  turn into lean muscle.  It's impossible.  I'm going to be wabbly bits forever. 

Me:  Wabbly bits have to wabble before they'll stop wabbling.  Even the reality shows take time to film.  We've shed about 5 lbs since we started and we're really not even doing anything right now!


Acceptance:
My Fat:  No, I'm not ever going to accept this.  I mean it.  Really.

Me:  That's too bad, because it's gotta happen.  You're not in charge, I am.

[Long Pause]

Me:   I wonder if I should shave my legs. 

My Fat:  Yeah, probably so. 

Both of us:  Damnit.


-jafg



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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

But I Didn't Post

09/22/09

???.? lbs

I can't even provide a good estimation for you today, boys and girls.

I travel in a week.  Travel days suck.  We'll see.

As you can tell, I've been silent on the bloggin front for awhile.  Fuhgeddabout the weekend posting I was so planning on doing this weekend.  Totally didn't happen in case you didn't know.  Crap.  I couldn't even get motivated to sit on my arse and type in a blog this weekend. I did get some things done around the abode which have been neglected since company last weekend.  It was great.  But I didn't post.

Friday I went grocery shopping on my lunch.  I bought Mac 'n' Cheese and Fried Veggie Sticks from the "hotbar" and that was my lunch.  I am very proud to say, though, that I did not buy the Blue Box MnC which often times can find its way into my grocery cart.  It's a guilty pleasure of mine.  Like cereal at night.  I eat cereal like ice cream.  I try to buy Kashi most of the time, but sometimes Golden Grahams or Lucky Charms come to visit.  I also don't eat cereal in a bowl, I eat it from a coffee cup, like my ice cream.  Which I haven't bought in a while.  Yea me!

Cereal and ice cream got me going off on a tangent...

As I was saying, I went grocery shopping on Friday during my lunch break.  This was strategic since the grocery by work was having the best of the sales and I didn't want to grocery-hop this time.  I got bone-in chicken breasts and drum sticks.  Dark meat isn't the healthiest, but baked, it's still not too bad.  My freezer is stocked with chicken parts.  Yum. 

I also got the lean ground chuck which I used some of to make Tacos on Saturday.  I like to get the really lean ground beef like the 94%-6% ratio.  I couldn't find it and Grocery was having a good sale on the family pack "lean" ground chuck.  Turns out this stuff isn't so lean.  The ratio is like 85%-15%.  Yikes.  I cooked the hell out of it, and then drained it off and rinsed the hell out of it, too.  I hope that helped.  I'd like to think it did. 

Anyway, I did this grocery shopping on Friday because I felt a need to unplug coming on.  That means cell phones and computers off, My Friends.  I didn't want to venture out from the apartment once I got home. I like those weekends as much as I like the very sociable weekends.  It was great. But I didn't post.

I'm not lazy when these moods strike, it's almost the opposite.  I start "nesting", know what I mean?  I clean, vaccuum, wash dishes, organize piles, wash clothes, redecorate, that sort of thing.  Most people probably do these on a very regular basis, I do it just enough to make the house livable chaos.  Sometimes, though, toilets just need to be scrubbed.  So I get busy.  This also means, that I'm most likely not going to change out of the jammies until about 6:00pm and then it's just to feel like I got dressed that day. 

I started washing clothes, sheets, towels, and such Friday when I got home.  After I walked up The Stairs twice with damn groceries.  That sucked.  Anyway, my washer was going all weekend (not contsantly, mind you, but I did wash all weekend).  I vaccummed up the bedroom, dusted a bit, and watched Movies on Demand.  It was great. But I didn't post. 

I didn't do the one thing that I wanted to which was try to keep motivated about weight stuff, instead, I unplugged from it.  I was active, I moved, I wasn't just glued to my couch, but I didn't lose poundage this weekend either.  I most likely gained.  I'll be confirming that tomorrow. 

I always drive by the complex gym on my way home and have really started to feel guilty about not being in there.  I've got to do something.  I've got to take action.  I'm running out of excuses to talk about me and my fat and it's starting to weigh on me!  Egad!  Now I have emotional weight, too!?  What the hell?!  My ass isn't enough for me to carry around?!?! 

Something's gotta give here.

-jafg
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Thursday, September 17, 2009

I Think I Can Do This

09/17/09

284.2 lbs

That's a 5 lb gain in as many days.  Damnit.

I have a weak constitution when it comes to fun times with friends.  Fat girls just wanna have fun!  At least this one does.  I so love my social time.  I love spending time out with old friends most of all.  Like this weekend.  My BFF has been in my life since I was 15 yrs old.  I'll be 34 in a few short weeks.  That's 19 years of solid friendship, People.  She's been there through thick and thin.  And I totally meant that as a pun, too.

I came out of the fat closet to her this weekend and told her about my bloggin.  She already knew I was fat.  It was scary and exciting all at the same time.  We celebrated by weighing ourselves all weekend.  Well, BFF and Her-Hubbie did, not me.  I figured I'd wait for the shocking results on Monday.  Yeah, shocker. Anyway, if BFF's reading this, SHOUT OUT!  I HEART YOU!

I've been off the bloggin circuit since Friday.  I had a lot of catching up to do.  I laughed, I cried, you know, the usual.  I usually take weekends off, but I'm wondering if I otta start bloggin on the weekends to help stay on track.  Especially when I DO have company or social time.  I will still have to avoid Twitter because no one should drink and text, but I think I'll make more effort to jump into my virtual life on the weekends too.

It's been a month and the only thing consistent here is a steady stream of consiousness.  That's not too hard because I'm usually focused on me, but I really really want to lose weight.  Like really. I want to be bloggin to other fat girls and coaching them through it and telling them they can do it because I did.  I want to glimpse the future of a thin me. [pausing for that glimpse]  Nothing comes to mind.  So, I'm melanchol-i-ly (I just made that word up, feel free to use it) reading over the blogs and secretly hating everyone who's made so much progress in the same amount of time that I've made none, and I come across a post from my favorite Blog-Comic Jack Sh*t Gettin' Fit

He's my most favoritest smartass;  after me, of course. If you haven't meandered over to his blog and become a sh*thead convert, then you're really missing out.  He's got like 100,000,000 followers or something like that, so you  probably have, but I'm just sayin. If you're one of the two people left on Earth that hasn't read him before, you should get on it.

Rarely do I read something from The Sh*tter where there's anything serious or straight-faced, but yesterday's was different. I Think You Can Do This It's awesome.  Motivational, inspirational, and most of all, not too sappy.  Here's my homage to that post. (That means I've changed a few things around so it looks different and not like I'm a copycat).

Today I'm racked with doubt about whether or not I'm ever going to drop these pounds. At times I think this is a goal that I'm never going to be able to accomplish.

For what it’s worth, I think I'm gonna do it.

I think I've got this.

What gives me such sure-fire confidence that this is my time?

I think I want it. Of course I want it. Why else would I be here, scouring the internet for information on losing weight and getting healthy? I’m just getting started, laying the groundwork, whatever. But I’m here. I  struggled with weight my whole life and had ups and downs. But, I’m still at it.  I haven’t given up, and that’s one of the most basic, fundamental reasons why I am going to make it.

I think I know what I need to do. I do–that point’s not even up for debate. All the information I need is either in my brain or at my fingertips. I may not be heeding it every day, may not be following my own game plan, but that’s not because I don’t know any better. I know better, and one day (and one day soon) I’m going to wake up to the fact that I know better. Maybe I already have.

I think I deserve it. Don’t get the feeling that I think I’m extra special (although, I do feel like I’m extra special). I think everyone deserves it. Everyone deserves to be healthy, to be fit and to feel good about themselves. It’s a basic human right, and it’s time I reclaimed what is rightfully mine.

I think nothing’s stopping me… but me. I can blame the job, the kitty, the friends, the financial situation… I can blame anything I want, but I have to understand that it’s me that dug this hole that I’m standing at the bottom of it and it’s me that’s going to eventually have to put that shovel down and decide that it’s time to start climbing. I hate climbing. But I’ve gotta do it.

I think it’s time. I mean that, I think it’s time right now. I mean right this very second. Excuses are for the weak, and I am anything but weak. I’m strong-willed, and I know that if I apply myself… I mean really give it my all… this is a journey that I will be successful with.

One month ago I stood on my balcony and got fed up with being just another fat girl. It’s a miserable way to feel.  I looked in a mirror and could no longer face the image staring back at me. I wasn’t so mad at what I’d done to myself; I was mad at what I was continuing to do to myself. Since I can appreciate the difference… well, that’s one more reason why I’m going to make this change in myself.

Because that’s the thing: we’re not chained to the person we are. There’s nothing holding us back if we wake up and decide to make that transformation.

One month ago, I decided to change the person I am, and every day that passes makes me prouder and happier at where I am now and what I will accomplish.

I’m not done yet, and neither are you.



Thank you, Jack.  You're The Sh*t.

-jafg


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Friday, September 11, 2009

28 Days Later

09/11/09

279.4 lbs

That's from yesterday.  I didn't have a chance to weigh today.

This post is a little gray like the weather outside.  I'm just sayin.

So when I got to my dashboard today I saw that I have written 27 posts.  That makes this my 28th.  That's 28 days of posting.  I've heard it takes 28 days to break a habit.  I hear that a lot, because I smoke.  They've made a movie out of it where Sandra Bullock has to go to rehab because she drove her drunk car into someone's living room or something.  Or her character did I should say.  The movie was 'eh'.  Anyway, 28 seems pretty relavant in some way.  I haven't really broken any habits, but I think I've started a new one.

I write all the time about my love/hate relationship with the world of weight.  I'm just another fat girl, ya know?  Well, I realize that I've become so hyper-aware of everything relating to fat that I think I'm addicted.  I'm addicted to reading blogs.  I'm addicted to reading my own blog.  I'm addicted to the idea of other people reading my blog.  I'm addicted to Twitter.  I'm so addicted to these things, in fact, that I'm hardly on Facebook with my real persona since I started this blog.  And I could never get enough of Facebook.

So I have this secret.  Part of me is dying to share with friends that I have this awesome witty outlet (yeah, I know my blog rocks) where I really get to show just how fabulous I am and still struggle with weight, but then I realize that I could never be as candid as I am if people know about it.  It's a Catch-22.  It sucks.

Not to say this isn't fun! I love this little corner of my life. It makes me happy to come here and post.  I feel good and have a huge sense of accomplishment when I post daily and feel like I was cheated out of something when I miss a day.  Like yesterday.  I know you missed me and I want you to know that I missed me, too.  Bygones and all.  Is that what it feels like to folk who actually work out?  Hmm.  At some point I really do need to try that.

Well, enough introspection.  BFF and Hubbie are coming for a visit this weekend.  I'm excited.  I'm going to have pizza tonight and drink a few beers or something.  Don't  know what we'll do the rest of the weekend, but it's sure to be a good time.  I'll probably be back up over 280 on Monday, but that's ok.  I'm gonna try to keep it down, though.  That is, if I think about it.


-jafg



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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Planes, Trains, and What Have Yous

09/09/09

279.4 lbs

Did you read that li'l buddies?  Allow me to repeat that for the cheap seats in the back: 279.4 lbs. 

Happy Dance!  Happy Dance!  I'm so freaking happy right now!  Come on, get up and dance with me!

[insert time to dance happy here]

I've been on a mild high all day.  I got to go on a field trip for work which means I got to network and be social amongst the people.  Add to that the fact that I've lost a total of 7 real lbs and WOOT WOOT!! 

[insert more time to dance happy here]

That's all I've got on my brain today.  I am 3 little lbs away from a solid 10 lbs.  That's 3.48% of my total body weight.  Not bad for a month of half-assed trying. 

I'm going on a business trip at the end of the month.  Oh yeah, next month is my birthday too.  Go ahead and mark your calendars.  It's ok.  I don't mind.  Anyway.  This business trip is going from the Southeast to the Pacific on a plane.  Ew.  I hate flying on planes.  Or rather, I hate sitting in small dinky seats next to strangers on planes.  Especially strangers that are skinny or good looking or both.  Old ladies and balding men don't bother me.  But I digress. 

I'm also flying a different airline this time so I'm totally not sure what to expect on this plane.  The last time I flew comfortably I weighed 260. I know that type of weight loss isn't possible at a healthy rate in 3 little weeks, but maybe another 7 lbs is.  That's what I'm hoping anyway.  

I'm hoping that I might possibly be able to sit semi-smooshed rather than completely packed in like my butt was in that swimsuit on Monday (T-G for cargo shorts).  I'm hoping that I'll actually be able to appreciate the full affect of my xanax on the 5+ hour trip rather than obsessing over the affect my girth is having on the stooge next to me.  I'm basically hoping for a miracle.  A miracle wrapped up in the loss of 7 to 10 more lbs lost by September 30.  We'll see. 

I have more on this topic of travel and my life as just another fat girl, but I'm tired and I want to go home and revel in my weightloss.  I'll close with a little message for My Fat...

[insert even more time to dance happy here]

Neener, Neener, Nee-ner!

-jafg



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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

I'm Just One Stomach Flu Away From My Goal Weight

09/08/09

280.8 lbs

Woot Woot!  I am so looking forward to busting through the 80's and finding my way back into the 70's.  Not eating out and making all my food at home seems to make a big difference.  So does a stomach bug.

If you've watched The Devil Wears Prada then you know what I'm talking about.  If you haven't, go rent it immedidately and catch up on some pop-culture.  As you may have gathered from my title today, my tummy isn't feeling so hot. Anything I eat isn't 'sticking' if you know what I mean. It didn't start until last night. I tried some smoked turkey sausage which wasn't bad but about an hour later I was having contractions like I was about to give birth.  I'm not even pregnant!  It was a miserable few hours.

I had a fabulous weekend.  I slept more than usual as in till after 1:00pm both Saturday and Sunday.  This is highly unusual.  Even on days where adult beverages are heavily involved the evening before, I don't sleep that late.  Hindsight and all tells me maybe I was starting to get this bug I've got.  Who knows.  I skipped out on the Saturday football game revalry. 

Sunday I didn't do much but wash some clothes.  I got a call about 3:00 from Skinny Athletic Girl.  She wanted to make sure I was still on for our weekend plans.  There was one big change, we wouldn't be heading out until Monday.  It's just a day trip!  Woo Hoo!  I should be able to manage that.
  
I did make a fantastic dinner Sunday night.  I had some shrimp in the freezer I bought a few weeks ago when they were on sale.  I thought for a minute, what to do with these shrimp?  Last time I had shrimp, it was somewhat scampi style and I didn't enjoy it as much.  this time, I decided I just wanted to boil them in salt water.  So that's what I did.  Wait, it gets better.  Just shrimp isn't an exciting meal, so I decided to make some pasta (I used thin spaghetti) and toss it with some olive oil, a little bit of butter, spinach, garlic and parmasean cheese.  Yum.  Throw in the shrimp and I had a delicious dinner! 

Monday I got a swimsuit from my mom (aren't moms great?), threw on some cargo shorts and a white button-down and headed out the door. It was a fairly good time overall! I got some sun, had some good laughs, lived through what I consider to be a traumatic experience.  Then I came home and pretty much immediately got sick. Nice.


I'd have to give this weekend a score of a 6.9 on a scale of 10.  It could have been better, but it could have been a whole lot worse.

-jafg


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Friday, September 4, 2009

Do I Stay or Do I Go? a.k.a Indecent Exposure

09/04/09

285.0 lbs

Holding steady, People.  Let's see what happens on Monday.

It's Friday.  Even better is the fact that it's a Friday of a long weekend.  Hoo Ray!

I don't have plans this weekend.  Well, I've been invited to watch college football on Saturday.  This is as sacred as Sunday School in the South.  I'm not loyal to any one team; it depends on who I'm around at the time.  But don't tell anyone.  It's an obsession in Small Southern City.  I've never seen so many spirit tags or bumper stickers on cars in any one place before.  It's kinda scary.

I also have an invite to go to a lakehouse Sunday and Monday.  I accepted.  Yikes.  Skinny Athletic Girl will be there.  Now remember how SAG looked last weekend?  Well, tripple that H-O-T-ness with a string bikini and super tan body.  Holy. Crap.  What is jafg to do? 

I've been back and forth about wether or not to go.  If I go, how do I say I haven't been able to find my swimsuit in like 2 YEARS.  Will I be able to avoid any possible photo ops?  Trust me, I haven't practiced posing for pictures in skin tight lycra. Hell, I avoid the mirror as much as possible when going from the bedroom to the bathroom for a shower.  That's pretty much the same thing.  Add to that the lack of boobage support in most one pieces and it's really not a pretty picture.

Let me share with you just how bad this is.  Last night, I had a dream that I was in my swimsuit with shorts on.  Not too bad, right?  Well, I'm hanging out with everyone and I look down to find I was wearing a bra on the outside of the thing.  I think that's the closest I've ever been to having the "I'm naked in front of everybody" dream. Great.

Ok...How do I get out of this? What possible excuse would I have for not going besides my fatness.  I mean come on.  I've got to be stronger than this.  I really don't get my self worth from my weight, but I don't parade around all happy about being fat either.  My Fat agrees with me on this point.  Is it possible to overcome this obvious stress of being a fat girl in a very skinny situation and have a good time?  I wouldn't be expected to wear a swimsuit the entire time. Or whatever make-shift version I have to come up with since I can't even bring myself to buy one, either. Egad!

Here's the kicker.  On one of those nights out with SAG and adult beverages, I practically begged to go to Lake House.  Two weeks later and here we are; invited.  Damnit. 

That's right, folks.  I asked for this torment.

-jafg


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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Dollars and Sense

09/02/09

???.? lbs

I know, I know. What good is a weight watcher if I don't know my weight?

Today's been all about food. Really BAD good food, too. I started off the day with a cinnamon muffin and coffee. Yum. I didn't get a second cup which probably explains my headache right now. I moved to a decent lunch of home-made tuna salad, whole grain bread and Baked Lays. I also had a half a Coke. Note: I didn't have the will power to drink half a Mr. Pibb. I've ended my work day with Snicker Bar and Almond Joy. I've been a very naughty girl. I enjoyed every minute of it.

I've been a busy worker bee today; in meetings, sending emails, updating FB and Twitter. All the important things that fill my day. I even had time to find a new little flashy button for my blog to shamelessly plug that I heart comments. Really. I heart them. A lot.

I've always got my blogpost in the back of my head looking for new angles on life and My Fat. It's not as easy as I make it out to be. Sometimes life has absolutely nothing to do with My Fat. That hurts My Fat's ego, too. Sometimes My Fat just wants to be the center of attention. Hello, World! My Fat is here! Like I said, it's not as easy as it seems.

So I took the elevator (yes, I took the elevator) to go down to smoke. I was standing outside, mildly peaved and equally pleased that I had cheated with the elevator, contemplating today's blogpost. I let my mind wander to what I've thought about over the past few days and thought of the most recent blog I read which was FINE LINE by my good friend Dixie Livin'. She even knows my secret fat girl identity. I've enjoyed adult beverages with her. But, I digress. Her post was about weddings (and was really funny, I highly recommend it) and I was thinking about when I was a large girl in a skinny wedding. Ok! That's what I'll write about. My Fat would have the starring role even if it was from a story in 2005. Sometimes, though, things don't always go according to plan.

I was finishing up the last few puffs of the coffin-nail when this lady walked by. See, there's this cute little neighborhood right behind my work building. No busy traffic at all. I usually see this one guy walking around. He doesn't ever wave back which is why I remember him so well. Anyway. This lady walked by in one direction. Puff, Puff. Contemplation. Then she walked by in the other direction. She'd made her lap, apparently. She bent over and picked something up. My thoughts: "Oh how wonderful! What a conscientious neighbor to pick up litter like that!" O'Contrare M'Onfrare.

I turn around and wave. It's what you do in the South. She waved back rather enthusiatically. She was waving the litter she just picked up. "A DOLLAR!!!! A DOLLAR!!! JACKPOT!!!" That's right, my exercise-challenged friends. She found a dollar. Skinny bitch.

Moral of the story, It really does pay to walk.

-jafg


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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Blondes and SAG

09/01/09

285.2 lbs

--yesterday's weight--

Sometimes I'm at a loss for words.  Like today for example.  For my faithful few, however, I will do my best.

I went out with Skinny Athletic Girl and the Blondes Saturday night.  I had a blast!  Heard a great band, played Darts, I totally suck at Darts, btw, and drank Michelob Ultra.  I'm not a big beer fan but this wasn't too bad.  Plus it's supposedly a low carb, lower calorie beer.  So, what the hell, right? 

I had a decent hair night and the make-up looked great.  I was pretty happy with the outfit, a nice purple top with jeans and cute shoes.  Jewelry was rockin as always.  Overall, I walked out of my diggs with a pretty healthy chunk of postive energy. 

I'm mostly on time when I arrive and SAG's house.  More positive energy.  She opens the door and Damn.  She's 5'11" and is all legs.  The fitted dress she wore barely came below her "bum".  I couldn't fault her for it because she looked H-O-T.  I'd like to look that H-O-T one day!  If I had a body like hers, I would totally dress like that just to pick soymilk up from the grocery.  I would.

To make matters worse, she's gotten the P90X thing and is talking about her workouts and how sore she is.  Of course, I'm thinking I should be sore from working out, not her.  She says she's finally getting definition in her calves to which I reply "Finally?".  I couldn't help it. 

I found out what the P90X thing is...it's a 90-day regiment of complete muscle confusion.  It's supposed to really smack your body out of and into shape.  I know a Bride who's currently on the program.  She's always on Facebook about it.  It's tiresome really.  The status updates, not the plan.  Well, maybe the plan, too, but I wouldn't know.  I don't use it. 

The Blondes arrived and thank GAWD they are not wearing skimpy dresses.  The Blondes could totally wear little skimpy dresses, I assure you.  Oh--I call them The Blondes because I'm not blonde and they are...I can't reveal much more than that to protect my secret Fat Girl identity.  Anyway, The Blondes are wearing jeans and tops, all looking much more fetching in their clothes than I am.  But, I do have a great hair accessory.  Kudos for me.

We're out for the evening having a grand old time.  We all love the band.  Great band!  Wish I could share the name, but alas, I've got my secret identity to think about.  Close to closing time, we head up to After-Hours bar.  This place seems like a good idea at the time everybody's saying "Yeah, let's go!" but they're not.  They're really not. 

Every drunk girl and boy out on a Saturday night happen to be at After-Hours bar.  We're all packed in like Sardines.  It's horrible.  Really.  I'm separated from my posse by a sea of entering and exiting drunkards.  I'm being felt up by some dude sitting by a chick too drunk to notice.  Sounds like fun, doesn't it? 

Continuing with the story...I finally make it across the great divide and perch at the bar feeling a little safer.  You can smoke in this club so both service and an ashtray are immediately available. It doesn't get much better than that.  We're all pretty content, SAG and The Blondes have latched on to two guys.  These are former "friends" of SAG.  Conversation is flowing.  Then, the boys have a few friends join them.  This is the moment I stop enjoying myself. 

All the sudden these three asses wedge themselves between me and The Blondes and I get completely shut out.  Don't misunderstand me.  I really don't care about the attention or lack thereof, I care about the complete lack of acknowledgement that I was even part of this group.  Why don't these boys do the decent thing and pretend to include me in the convo?  Well, I did the only thing a respectable girl could do in my position.  I lit another cigarette and let it billow in their faces.  I was going to accidentally burn them, but I didn't get the opportunity.  My girls saved me.  These skinny girls walked away from their fanclub and pulled me with them.  Now that's cool.

It may seem like I don't like SAG and The Blondes, but that isn't true.  They're my peeps.  I heart them!  Besides, even if I were on the same level of H-O-T-ness as they are, which I am already in my own way, there'd still be something to bitch about.  We're girls.  It's what we do.


-jafg


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Monday, August 31, 2009

Which Way Did She Go, George?

08/31/09

285.2 lbs

Hmm.  I just realized I've been doing this whole tracking thing for a month.  Technically, I've lost 2 lbs.  2.    > :-|   I don't know what I think about this.

I have gained a few iFriends. As a matter of fact, I'm totally plagiarizing "iFriends" from Jen is Zen who was one of my first real followers.  It's a cute phrase, right?  Anyway, I really enjoy coming to my blog and scrolling to see all the updates.  I've missed a lot.  A LOT.  I really hate that, it's so hard to catch up. 

Catching up is hard to do. It's hard to catch up with "back on track".  It's hard to catch up with "eating right".  It's hard to catch up with "exercise".  I fell down and scraped my proverbial knees a few weeks ago and just haven't managed to catch up with Momentum.  The bitch is a lot faster than I am.  Once I lost her, I just can't seem to get her to slow down again so I can catch up!  I need help finding her again.  I need to find some Motivation along the way and hop back on Momentum's train, throw my arms out to the side and feel the wind in my hair "I'm Queen of the World!" style, ya know?  Maybe even get a little theme song action in the background...Who knows.  BUT...I have lost 2 very real lbs. 

In honor of my one-month anny, let's look at some positives.  I do take the stairs at work more often than anything else!  Go Me! I do try to eat healthier and snack less at work.  Some days are better than others and some are worse than I'd care to admit.  Chalking this up to a daily struggle, but hey, that's ok.  I've stopped my ice cream consumption almost comlpletely.  Sad, I know.  I miss ice cream a lot.  Snicker Bar? Still an occasional visitor.  So is Mr. Pibb. 

All in all, there have been some changes that have stuck.  This is progress.  Slow, oh so damn slow; but still,  Progress, nonetheless.  I wonder what next month will reveal.  My Fat and I have come to an understanding.  I don't think there's a line in the sand, yet.  But it's coming.  OOOhhhh, it's coming.

-jafg



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Friday, August 28, 2009

Being The Toilet Paper

08/28/09

286.2 lbs

At least it's stopped going up.

My toilet paper has hearts and flowers embossed into it. Each sheet is just a bubbly little square patch of warm fuzzies. This got me to thinking. I don't know about your toilet paper, but mine's been used for some pretty nasty business. Actually, I can't think of one nice thing I've ever used my toilet paper for! I've wiped tooth paste off the mirror and faucet, cleaned up spilled coffee and other beverages off the bathroom sink, gotten cat vomit off the floor. Not to mention all the traditional uses for the stuff! And yet, each sheet holds hearts and flowers. If toilet paper were a girl, I really don't think I'd like her very much.

I keep telling you about the first class crappy days I've been having lately. They've been just that. CRAPPY. Our buddy Jack Sh*t would fit right in with my past two weeks. He'd probably revel in the crappiness of it all. Well, I've decided to be like my toilet paper today. I'm busy cleaning up metaphorical sh*t and I'm wearing metaphorical hearts and flowers while doing it. That's right. I'm warm and fuzzy. It's a dirty job, but SOMEbody's gotta do it.

-jafg


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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I'm Sorry.....Sooo Sorry.....

08/26/09

286.2 lbs

'Nuff said.

Have I told you lately that I'm sorry? Cause I am. I'm really, really sorry. Really. Sorry.

That's all I've been saying today. I'm not kidding. ALL DAY. And just in case I've missed anyone...I'M SORRY!

I've meant it every time. Nothing's been insincere. It shouldn't be when you apologize. That means it's not a real apology. But do you know how much it can wear you out to give a good apology? It's very tiresome. It should be counted as exercise it's so damn taxing on the system. As a matter of fact, I'm going to say that all the alpologies have worked off the 6 Oreo's I ate today. Yeah, that's right...6. I'm sorry.

Last night my work BFF and I completely had a "heated" discussion. They say "heated" because it creates a physical reaction in your system that makes your arm pits sting. You know what I'm talking about. Of course, we made up over a few adult beverages. This led to eating delish sweetpotato chips (the basket was refilled for a round-2)with a creamy bacon blue cheese sauce. Awesome. Oh, and I'm sorry. Of course, I don't feel so great today, but I tried to remain somewhat on track. Well, I mean, at least I can see that track from where I'm sitting. Metaphorically speaking. I'm not really on it right now. Whatever. I mean, I'm sorry.

I'm still all about some retail therapy. However, to get new things, one doesn't necessarily have to buy new things. I'm trying to win a cookbook from our gal Jen: A Prior Fat Girl. She's got this thing called a 'Monday GiveAway'. If I shamelessly plug her blogpost, I get an entry to win. I haven't worked out the whole remaining anonymous thing with the delivery of the prize, but I'm sure I'll think of something. Oh, don't worry about the cookbook. I know I'm gonna win it. I'm sorry.


-jafg



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Monday, August 24, 2009

I Need A Good 12-Step. Really.

08/24/09

285.4 lbs

That's from Saturday. It probably a little higher today, though.

Hello, blogging buddies. Did you miss me? It's been almost a week since my last confession. I mean blogpost. I'm feeling a little shameful about it.

I have been in the most funkiest funk. It started last week. I hit a metaphorical brick wall and am still kinda licking my wounds. Poor me. I crawled in bed at 5:00pm on Thursday and didn't get out until 10:00am Friday. And then I slept most of the day Friday, too. Saturday was a little better. I got out and saw Julie & Julia. Great movie! It's all about blogging and food. What's better than that? I mean, that's pretty much what I do, right?

After the movie, I did what any red-blooded American Woman would do when in a funk. I went shopping. I landed at Target. I heart Target. Especially when it's a Super Target. You get Food and Fashion all in the same place. It's great. I restricted my shopping to things I needed but wouldn't just buy everyday like nail polish. I got a great color. Fantab really. It's a metallic grayish pink. It's on my fingers and toes. In the sun, I look like I have pink chrome on my nails. Awesome. I'll get the name of it tonight and add a Post-Post Script tomorrow.

So, Sunday I still wasn't feeling all shiny and happy so, off to the stores again. I'll share a little make-up tip with you. Sally Beauty Supply has a great line called Femme Couture Mineral Effects. It's great stuff. Really. I wouldn't steer you wrong when it comes to war paint. Also, it's way cheaper than most mineral make-up. WAY cheaper.

I also decided to do my own highlights. Money Saving tips and all. When I lived in Big Southern City, my BFF was my stylist for YEARS. He knew my hair better than I did. The relationship ended when I moved to Beachtown. It took a year to find a replacement. When I did, it was magical. Fireworks and everything! I just moved to Small Southern City 5 months ago. I still haven't met The One. As you can see, I take hair very seriously, so this whole do-it-yourself thing has me a little worried. Keep your fingers crossed.

I decided I need a new top. I went to Avenue after Sally's. It's hit or miss. On Sunday, it was all miss. I'm going to Khol's sometime this week. I heart Khol's, too. I need a top. I need something that makes me feel pretty. Thus, the new do, war paint, and finger/toe nails. A new top will just 'top' everything like a cherry on a sundae. Or nuts, if you prefer.

I had one of those last night. A sundae, that is. This blogging business has made me realize I have a thing for ice cream. Note to self, break up with ice cream. I had to do the walk of shame from my car to my place at the top of The Stairs. At least I got a bit of exercise in the process. Doubt it worked off that fudge.

Funkiest Funk has opened the door to ungood eating. Well, it's been good, but not "good for you". I've tried, but pretty much failed for over a week. See Weight above. I'm almost back where I started. Yea. Go me. I realized something though. I'm addicted to my fat. It gives me an excuse to eat sundaes. I told you this is my love/hate relationship with the world of weight. I wasn't lyin.

As much as I try to change, to shed the poundage, I have to admit find comfort and solace in the buldge. I also love to hate it, too. OMG What is wrong with me??!! I have these arguments with my fat. Sometimes I win, sometimes my fat does. Either way, the battle's not too pretty.

I think I need a 12-step. I've admitted I'm fat-I mean I'm addicted to my fat. Step one down. Now I need to change my ways. I need to do something that is anti-fat. I'm not ready to give up food, so I think I'm actually going to have to start being ACTIVE. Ew. Who wants to be my buddy? There's no talking about my shopping, though.

-jafg

Disclaimer:
Please note that this blog is not making light of other addictions such as Alcohol or Narcotics or such. If you are on your own journey of recovery, I sincerely wish you the best of luck.



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