Friday, September 25, 2009

I Think Therefore I Can't?

09/25/09

285.4 lbs

Ok.  So if you follow me on Twitter, you already know I suck.  If you don't follow me on Twitter, well then....

I suck.

I've been planning to make it to the Gym at my complex.  It's free, or included with the Rent or whatever.  It's right where I pull into my complex and is a short walk away from my 53 steps.  I drive by it in the morning and at night.  Every Day.  Weekend days could be more or less often, but you know what I mean.

I'm so mad at myself, I can feel my pulse quickening as I type.

I brought workout clothes to change into before I left for work.  I changed into those clothes before I left work.  I sat through way too much traffic-still have no idea what that was about-and when I got to my complex the gym parking lot was FULL.  REALLY full. 

My blood ran cold.  I couldn't do it.  It wasn't just My Fat that shrunk back in fear...it was my whole mental being.  I was terrified of walking into that gym and facing all those people.  It was worse than when I had my first "girl doctor" visit.  I don't know about the rest of you ladies, but that was pretty emotionally scarring.  Not a big deal now, but damn,  "You're gonna put that where?"

Let me just lay it all out there for you...

It started at the top of my head. I felt this almost painful tingly sensation roll down my whole body and then my breathing went weird.

Allow me to interject some personal history here...I'm a witty, sardonic, overall emotionally healthy person with normal shit to deal with on a regular basis.  But I haven't always "had it all together".  I used to suffer from debilitating panic and anxiety attacks that would hit me at the most inconvenient moments like driving down the road.  I'd have to pull over and just sit in my car falling apart and hyperventilating until I could get myself calm and continue to drive.  It would take 20-30 minutes.  It's exhausting too.  Medication helps a lot.  Needless to say, this hasn't happened to me since I was 24.  Really? Hey-That's 10 years.  That's pretty damn good now that I think about it. 

But it happened last night.

I can recognize the symptoms.  The tingling and numbing sensation, the blurry vision, the beginning stages of hyperventilation. All of it.  It was not pretty.  I had to sit in my car for about 10 minutes before I could make it up the stairs.  Every movement was deliberate.  Turning off the car.  Pulling the keys out of the ingition.  Opening the door.  Gathering my purse and clothes. Getting out of the car.  Closing the door. Walking up the stairs.  I counted them again.  Opening up the door to home.  As soon as I got the door closed, it happened.  I went into full freakout mode.  It's hard to talk yourself down.  To regain control of your breathing.  To slow your heart rate.  To basically feel human again.

After all was said and done, I took my emergency stash of medication left over from the big move in January (I moved to a new city/state where I knew nothing/no one for a new job and was just a tinsy bit stressted), Twittered about my world class fail, and went to bed to snuggle with the kitty. 

Then I watched Grey's Anatomy  It was the most depressing show ever.

So, that was my evening....How was yours?

-jafg

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1 comment:

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Let me just float a theory by you that I happen to believe is true: nobody cares. At the gym, I mean. We don't pay any attention. I mean, we may look up when you walk by, but if we're in there, most of us want to get our workout done and get the hell outta there. Here's a conversation I've NEVER had with a fellow workout person: "Wow, look at that chick that doesn't know what she's doing? What the hell is she doing here."

When I see people that don't look like they know what they're doing, I generally try to strike up a conversation and ask if they've got any questions about the equipment. I think you'll find most folks are friendly like that.

Give it a try. What do you have to lose... except maybe a few pounds?