Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I'm Kindof An Idoit.


285.2 lbs

Today is a so-so day. 

I received some very valid constructive criticism today.  It stung.  Mostly because it's true. 

So I have an established position in my career.  I've been in my industry for 7 years which is nothing to balk at.  (I hate ending sentences in prepositions, btw.)  You all know that mostly I'm clever, charming, witty and fun.  Well, I also have a brain and apparently I haven't been showing that feature off enough in the right circles.

You all know I travel.  I go to conferences, conventions, meetings, what-have-yous on a very regular basis.  I do have a good time, but I don't wimp out of my responsibilities either.  I've always gone with the "Work Hard/Play Hard" mentality.  It's worked for me up to now, because the same people I was playing hard with, also saw the work hard part.  Well, when you're dealing with a "national level" or something bigger than your immediate daily reach, this isn't so much the case.  Damn.

I plan on staying in this industry as long as I can.  I really want to call it home.  I have.  I know things and speak as an expert at my home base level, but have what you might call stage fright everywhere else.  My safetynet has been socializing.  I know, taken on my own, my bright and shiney personality will win anyone over.  HOWEVER.  I have never felt comfortable to move past that.  I feel like a big phony.  Actually, I know I am.

I lack confidence.

Shocker, right?  I've come a long way in life and have had to deal with many unpleasantries as most everyone who has or ever will come across this blog.  I've climbed through, persevered and ended up mostly satisfied with life.  The point, though, is that where I thought I had it all figured out was my career.  I don't have marriage, I don't have kids, I have career.  I'm happy with that choice.  But, what happens when that falters?  When I realize that I am not as solid in this aspect as I thought.  How does it make any other area of my life which desperately needs attention (i.e.: or e.g.: I never know which is the appropriate one to use my weight) have a glimmer of a chance to be successful?  There is a bigger picture here which needs to be addressed and, while I've known it for some time, I'm only just realizing it. 

My mom came to visit for Easter.  It was great to see her.  It had been since Christmas.  Long time, I know. She does not appreciate self-deprecating humor.  So, the joke this weekend was, "I know I'm smart, but I'm kindof an Idiot".  It's amazing how versatile that is.  And how true.  I have a brain and I don't always use it.  I'm too old for that.  Too established, too.  My little criticism today pointed that out.

It could be worse, though.

Last week, I shat myself.


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Shame on Me


283.0 lbs

I have been so neglectful of my blog and my exercise.  Shame on me. 

I'm peeking into the world of weight again.  Just briefly.  I have a lot going on.  No excuse, just a fact. 

I will talk to you all very soon!


Thursday, March 17, 2011

Irish Blessings


281.3 lbs

I wasn't going to post this, but when I was poaching my image from the St. Patty's Day post last year, I noticed my weight.  I'm 12 lbs lighter. :-)

To quote last year: 

I'm partying tonight. Don't worry, I've got tomorrow off and cab money for the ride home.

Be safe! Have Fun! Go Green!


May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields.
And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Whirlwind Update


279.6 lbs

That was yesterday's weight.  Today...it's a little higher, so I think I'll stick with that. 

Kids, SO much has happened in the few weeks I've been gone.  Firstly, I saw LDL.  Boy, did I see him.  A lot.  Like many, many, many times.  Repeatedly.  I saw him.  It was good.  It was really good.  I think you get the point.

Secondly, I haven't hit my gym up with Li'l Bit since being back in town.  This is a bad thing.  I have managed to lose a few lbs and keep them off since the CHALLENGE last month.  This is a good thing.  MAC (said challenger and ADVERSARY) is now with child.  Shit.  I'm SO happy for her, but now the whole percentage of loss thing...totally no longer applicable.  Doesn't mean I'm no longer motivated.  It just means I have to find someone else to blame for my pain when I exercise.  It's always good to have a scapegoat (MAC, I don't think you're a goat...just wanna make that clear).

Holy Followers!  I've jumped 5 followers in the few weeks I've been gone.  That blows my mind!  I am so happy that people like this blog enough to follow it and I've had a steady climb upward, but I've never had such a big jump in numbers before.  It's humbling.  And, of course, it feeds my ego.  Ironic, I know, but it does work both ways.

I have a crazy summer formulating.  The next few months have a lot going on socially.  Great motivation for keeping on track.  Also, lots of reasons to panic a bit since a few involve bathing suits.  I can do it, I just have to gear up for it.  You know what I mean.

To top everything off, I met someone locally.  It's such a new, budding possibility I don't want to talk about it in detail right now.  It's confusing because of LDL.  But, then again, there's the L-D part of the equation which really sucks.  Ugh.  I see him again in May.  Months between visits is not condusive for growing into anything more than whatever it is we are now. 

WTH???  When did my life become so damn complicated????

Oh. Yeah. When sex came back into it.

It is a calorie burner, tho.


Monday, February 21, 2011

I Hate No Pain No Gain.


283.2 lbs

That is definitely yesterday's weight.  I was in such a hurry to be on time this morning (which, might I add, I was 4 minutes early) that I forgot to weigh myself.  And I really wanted to, too.

I didn't work out Friday night.  I just checked out.  I went home and immediately cracked open a beer (which is actually a rarity to have in the house).  I just wasn't down with the whole idea of trying to get my ass moving after work.  Especially by myself for the first time out of the gate again.  It's just one of those things. 

I did work out on Saturday, tho.  For an hour!  With a new workout buddy!  She's a new friend, met her in December at a Wine Down Wednesday (half price bottles of wine...I heart Wednesdays)/Birthday Celebration.  We were instant BFFs.  Anyway, I asked her if she'd be interested in working out with me on Saturday.  She said yes!  YEA!!  So here she comes, all  4'11" of her, (I should tell you, her size or lack there of, does not bother me in the slightest) in a little tennis outfit 'cause she just got done with a clinic.  I hop on my favorite elliptical machine, which btw, has a lot more "wear and tear" since the last time I've seen it, poor thing, and she hops on the treadmill beside me. 

I do a fairly good incline for 24.43 minutes.  At that point, I could feel a heat rash developing in a location I'd rather not disclose right now.  I forgot about those.  So, I tell her I've had enough elliptical and she says, "we're gonna hit the weights, right?"  Sure.  I'm thinking that my arms could use a little workout, too.  We spend the next 45 minutes on almost every machine in the place. It was awesome.  And hillarious.  I hope that laughing burns calories, too.

There's this bicep/tricep machine where you have to put your elbows down on this ledge and take these handle things and push the weights down and back.  I never used it before.  I always skipped it.  Well, Little Bit added it to our list of machines to use.  It made me discover I have muscles above my elbows.  I know this now because they hurt every time I move more than my fingers and wrists.  I'm talking pain.  Real pain.  Still-lingering-it-hurts-to-pick-up-the-phone-and-lift-my-coffee-cup-two-days-later pain.  My rash is gone, thank GOD, my legs feel no stress or soreness whatsoever, but DEAR LORD my arms.

I remember that I got sore after workout.  I remember feeling like I needed to go to the ER after my first hiphophell class.  Don't laugh, I seriously considered it.  What I don't remember is the actual feeling of the pain.  The soreness every time you move in just the right-or maybe wrong-way and you just want to freeze and never move again. 

Of course, freezing is not an option.  Lack of motion is why I'm so damn sore in the first place.  I know this is the first step [again] in getting healthy, but this is definitely a part of the process I don't like.  I did enjoy the sweating, tho.  And boy, did I sweat!

So, I'm doing it all again on Tuesday.  Yea.  Holy Crap.  Both sentiments really apply.  Little Bit has agreed to work out with me.  She's not a gym bunny which is awesome.  As a matter of fact, as I drank my mojitos and she drank her mimosas over brunch on Sunday.  She was telling me how sore she was, too!

Misery does  love Company.  Especially when adult beverages are involved.


Friday, February 18, 2011

Back In The Saddle Again


283.8 lbs

That was from like two days ago.  Or maybe yesterday.

My ass is flat.  And I mean very, very flat.  We're talking square pizzabox flat.  I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Usually about this time (2:00 in the afternoon on a workday) I really start thinking about it.  Most of the time I realize that I haven't stood to go to the bathroom, go to the printer or even go to get another cup of coffee.  This is ungood.  As a matter of fact, it's painful.  My ass literally starts aching because I've been sitting on it for so long.

So I got a nudge this morning from one of my real life friends who has been allowed into the JAFG secret world.  She reminds me that I've got people that actually do read this blog and that I have been neglecting it.  Which has been quite a few times this year.  She just had a baby.  Well just = six months ago. 

We got to chatting about how I had a dry spell on blog topics and that the only thing going on was my frustration on the fact that I wasn't exercising.  No one to blame but me.  It's been bothering me.  I suck.  Blah Blah Blah.  Well, anyway, she's talking about her baby weight that she refers to as her "dog jowels"  (I don't quite get that, but I also didn't ask her to elaborate).  Now, mind you, I've seen FB pictures of the girl and she looks lovely.  I tell her so.  She says she's become a "Master At Camoflauge".  MAC said "if I put HALF the effort into actually changing my body instead of hiding it - I'd be in a much better place".   Amen, Sistah. 

Oh.  I should tell you this is all through Messenger which is like online instant texting.

So, being the good friend that I am, I offer to be a "workout inspire-er".  She responds at almost the same time with the word ADVERSARY.  The gauntlet was thrown down, my friends.  The challenge was issued. 

We both have access to Gyms and weights.  Her weights just happen to come in the form of a mini-human, which I do believe counts for the purpose of competition.MAC and I live about an hour and a half apart so I don't see her all the time.  Actually, I see her like 3-4 times a year.  We're going to be in Big Southern City in early June and have made that the official "Finish Line".  Not that I'll lose all the weight I need to by then, of course, but we're gonna see how much we can do to ourselves (in a positive way) by that time. 

Since we don't live close by there's no working out in the same room at the same time which is kinda a bummer.  Right now, I have no workout buddy.  BB is officially married now and the newlywed version of her is WAAAYYYY different than the fiancee version.  That's another story, though.  SAG spends all her time either playing tennis or going to sporting events.  She's never available (in her defense, her tennis team did make it to the national championships last year).  So, I will be working out alone.  Starting tonight. 

I know my ass is happy about getting some workout and, let's face it, I need to limber up a bit for a certain visit in two weeks (wink, wink).  So, I committed to 30 minutes for the elliptical.  I also may be meeting a friend out for a beer afterward.  I hope they don't cancel each other out. 

I am going visit Concierge Gym on Saturday, too.  I will even try the weights then.  Eee. Gad.  I wonder what taking a half a xanax will do to a workout?  I have serious anxiety about walking into a gym alone.  And since it's been so long, I have to face that anxiety all over again like I've never conquered it before.  Well, It's all good.  I'll face my fear and will come out the other side feeling damn good.  And maybe that won't have anything to do with the xanax.

Oh.  If you look up ADVERSARY through Google Search, this is what comes up first:

1. One's opponent in a contest, conflict, or dispute.
2. The Devil.

MAC, I'm picking Option 2.


Thursday, February 3, 2011

Happy New Year. Again. (Yea Rabbits!)


???.? lbs

I know what that number is but weight is a reality that I choose not to face today.

So today is the Chinese New Year.  The Year of the Hare.  I'm a hare.  Well, really, if you read what the traits are for the hare, you'd laugh at that.  Cause they don't match up.  Except for the hyper-sexual-and-super-social part.  And who thinks rabbits are super social, anyway??

It's been over a week since my last post.  I hope you don't feel abandoned.  I do feel a little guilty.  I can't help it, though.  Things have been busy.  Firstly, the first month of the year is always MAD busy at work.  Like every last minute is usually put to something wicked productive.  Which leaves me little time to meander into JAFG land.  Then, of course, there is LDL (which is not a reference to my cholesterol levels, btw).   My glasses are definitely still steamy.  Despite all this, I decided I'm making time this morning to post. 

Those of you who have been around for the long haul know that I mostly just write about my experiences.  I don't really philosophize except to examine my own lot in life.  As the blog says, it's about my love/hate relationship with the world of weight.  Sometimes, that deals with the fit of clothing, sometimes food, sometimes exercise, a lot of times smoking...  But lately... Well, lately I've been thinking about sex.

Yes.  Sex. 

I'm nervous.  It will be 4 months since the last time (also first time) that I've spent face-to-face time with LDL, the next time I see him.  Did that make sense?  Granted we spent quality time together, but that was 4 months ago.  That's a long time.  Especially when you're talking about sex.

I can't spend more than 5 minutes of conversation time chatting with him without wanting to crawl through the phone and, well, you know.  There's still plenty of heat, but where has this nervousness come from?  My misgivings about talking to someone and then meeting them are of no consequence.  We met in person through a mutual acquaintance.  I can't say the guy isn't interested.  HE approached ME.  He also talks a pretty hot game.  So, why am I so nervous

Well, I talk a big game and there are certain aspects of the bedroom that I know I have no problem with, but, truth be told...I'm no expert.  There are things that even in my 35 years of living I have yet to check off my 'to-do' list.  There are things I'd like to do but feel that there are physical limitations.  How does one approach this?  How do I figure these things out without completely feeling like a fool in the heat of the moment.  And then there are the things I like.  Well, actually, I'm not so worried about that.  I know how to give directions.

So back to the point.  I'm nervous.  It's sad to say this is the longest pseudo-relationship I've had in years.  Well, since I've been in Small Southern City which has been, Lord....2 years this month!  All this time and all this distance have really allowed some healthy anticipation to mix with a lot of unhealthy doubt.  Shit. 

I am a self-saboteur.  I can recognize it (even if I haven't figured out how to completely overcome it).  So now, I'm lost in my head and trying to only focus on the goal:  Get Lucky.  I keep telling myself that none of my imaginary hype will matter.  When it's all said and done, and we're finally co-habitating the same space, I know we'll just go at it like rabbits. 

But not jack rabbits, hopefully.