I'm Kindof An Idoit.

04/26/2011

285.2 lbs

Today is a so-so day. 

I received some very valid constructive criticism today.  It stung.  Mostly because it's true. 

So I have an established position in my career.  I've been in my industry for 7 years which is nothing to balk at.  (I hate ending sentences in prepositions, btw.)  You all know that mostly I'm clever, charming, witty and fun.  Well, I also have a brain and apparently I haven't been showing that feature off enough in the right circles.

You all know I travel.  I go to conferences, conventions, meetings, what-have-yous on a very regular basis.  I do have a good time, but I don't wimp out of my responsibilities either.  I've always gone with the "Work Hard/Play Hard" mentality.  It's worked for me up to now, because the same people I was playing hard with, also saw the work hard part.  Well, when you're dealing with a "national level" or something bigger than your immediate daily reach, this isn't so much the case.  Damn.

I plan on staying in this industry as long as I can.  I really want to call it home.  I have.  I know things and speak as an expert at my home base level, but have what you might call stage fright everywhere else.  My safetynet has been socializing.  I know, taken on my own, my bright and shiney personality will win anyone over.  HOWEVER.  I have never felt comfortable to move past that.  I feel like a big phony.  Actually, I know I am.

I lack confidence.

Shocker, right?  I've come a long way in life and have had to deal with many unpleasantries as most everyone who has or ever will come across this blog.  I've climbed through, persevered and ended up mostly satisfied with life.  The point, though, is that where I thought I had it all figured out was my career.  I don't have marriage, I don't have kids, I have career.  I'm happy with that choice.  But, what happens when that falters?  When I realize that I am not as solid in this aspect as I thought.  How does it make any other area of my life which desperately needs attention (i.e.: or e.g.: I never know which is the appropriate one to use my weight) have a glimmer of a chance to be successful?  There is a bigger picture here which needs to be addressed and, while I've known it for some time, I'm only just realizing it. 

My mom came to visit for Easter.  It was great to see her.  It had been since Christmas.  Long time, I know. She does not appreciate self-deprecating humor.  So, the joke this weekend was, "I know I'm smart, but I'm kindof an Idiot".  It's amazing how versatile that is.  And how true.  I have a brain and I don't always use it.  I'm too old for that.  Too established, too.  My little criticism today pointed that out.

It could be worse, though.

Last week, I shat myself.

-jafg