I'm Kindof An Idoit.

04/26/2011

285.2 lbs

Today is a so-so day. 

I received some very valid constructive criticism today.  It stung.  Mostly because it's true. 

So I have an established position in my career.  I've been in my industry for 7 years which is nothing to balk at.  (I hate ending sentences in prepositions, btw.)  You all know that mostly I'm clever, charming, witty and fun.  Well, I also have a brain and apparently I haven't been showing that feature off enough in the right circles.

You all know I travel.  I go to conferences, conventions, meetings, what-have-yous on a very regular basis.  I do have a good time, but I don't wimp out of my responsibilities either.  I've always gone with the "Work Hard/Play Hard" mentality.  It's worked for me up to now, because the same people I was playing hard with, also saw the work hard part.  Well, when you're dealing with a "national level" or something bigger than your immediate daily reach, this isn't so much the case.  Damn.

I plan on staying in this industry as long as I can.  I really want to call it home.  I have.  I know things and speak as an expert at my home base level, but have what you might call stage fright everywhere else.  My safetynet has been socializing.  I know, taken on my own, my bright and shiney personality will win anyone over.  HOWEVER.  I have never felt comfortable to move past that.  I feel like a big phony.  Actually, I know I am.

I lack confidence.

Shocker, right?  I've come a long way in life and have had to deal with many unpleasantries as most everyone who has or ever will come across this blog.  I've climbed through, persevered and ended up mostly satisfied with life.  The point, though, is that where I thought I had it all figured out was my career.  I don't have marriage, I don't have kids, I have career.  I'm happy with that choice.  But, what happens when that falters?  When I realize that I am not as solid in this aspect as I thought.  How does it make any other area of my life which desperately needs attention (i.e.: or e.g.: I never know which is the appropriate one to use my weight) have a glimmer of a chance to be successful?  There is a bigger picture here which needs to be addressed and, while I've known it for some time, I'm only just realizing it. 

My mom came to visit for Easter.  It was great to see her.  It had been since Christmas.  Long time, I know. She does not appreciate self-deprecating humor.  So, the joke this weekend was, "I know I'm smart, but I'm kindof an Idiot".  It's amazing how versatile that is.  And how true.  I have a brain and I don't always use it.  I'm too old for that.  Too established, too.  My little criticism today pointed that out.

It could be worse, though.

Last week, I shat myself.

-jafg

An Unexpected Turn

04/16/10

276.2 lbs

Ok.  For the record: Saturday morning said 273.6 lbs and Sunday afternoon said 273.0 lbs.  To say this morning was a disappointment would be an understatement. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the box of macaroni and cheese I ate for dinner last night or the gallon or so of Royal Flush shots consumed over the weekend.

You know I have a little weight tracker at the bottom of my blog.  I doubt it gets any facetime because, well, it's at the bottom of my blog.  Esthetically speaking it's the best place for it; however, it really isn't when it comes to viewability.

Anyway, I wanted to show it to you that it's been on a steady downward trend since I started back up in March.  I've been living healthy, relatively speaking, for 5 months and have lost 20-23 lbs.  It could have been more had I been really sticking to things.  I mean really staying on task.  However. 

I have been looking at this whole thing as a change in my life.  I'm living differently.  I'm not on a diet.  I am eating healthy food, not diet food (I don't buy into the whole "fat-free" marketing.  I believe natural is better.  Ingredients are more important than nutritional info to me.  Having said that, I heart I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray.) I am exercising.  I'm trying to drink more water.

I also eat pizza and boxed macaroni 'n' cheese.  I drink my fair share of adult beverages.  I opt to stay in my PJs and watch movies all day instead of exercising.  Basically, I'm living a normal life.  I'm living a lifestyle that I can maintain and isn't unduly burdensome to me.  Well, exercising is almost always annoying. But that aside, I know I've got a path set in front of me that works.  For me. 

I have no idea why my blog took this path today.  Perhaps it's because I saw a 3 lb jump on the scale.  Or maybe because I'm still hung over and a bit pensive.  I dunno.  I had a hell of a weekend and will be sharing as much of the details that I dare for your reading pleasure tomorrow.

I will also be in touch with all my VWBs and working out again this week.

Well.  Starting tomorrow.


-jafg

Inspiration Station

08/12/10

274.8 lbs

Yippee!! 

I'm not your typical girl when it comes to movies and tv shows.  I love a good action flick and weirdo sci-fi/fantastical stuff.  I'm not all D&D, but I loved LOTR. That's Lord of the Rings.  I don't dress up as weird characters but I waited in line 2 hours for the opening day of X-Men X2.  So what's my point, here.  My point is Save the Cheerleader, Save the World.

That's a reference to a now cancelled NBC show called Heroes. The show died after it's fourth season-I stopped watching it about 2 episodes into that season btw-but the series' overall storyline is the subject for our discussion today:  Save the Cheerleader, Save the World.

You know I have my VWBs.  Well, today I was chitchatting with Roxie and she said a little something to me that just resonated in my brain like one of those Tibetan Singing Bowls.  She said "You are such a good cheerleader".  It got me thinking.  Save the Cheerleader, Save the World.

We're all cheerleaders!  We all need each other to encourage us on our good days (just take a look at my weight again!) and our bad days.  We need to encourage as much as we need encouragement.  Or Inspiration, if you will.  Imagine if everyday there was someone telling someone else some words that helped them get though even 5 minutes of something hard.  Could be emotional, could be physical, could be mental.  I'm not just talking weight loss here, but it's definitely included.  Imagine if YOU had someone telling you some Inspiring words everyday.  Save the Cheerleader, Save the World.

Get it?  You're the cheerleader.  I'm the cheerleader.  Everybody's the cheerleader.  Think about a 5k or a marathon run.  Think about those water stations; those very important lifeline-like water stations.  Runners need those to continue on course.  Now think of yourself as that virtual water station and everyone you meet today as a runner (whether in the healthy-weightloss-world or not).  Give 'em a big dose of Inspiration.  And maybe a little water'd be good, too.  You never know which Cheerleader you may be saving by being a Cheerleader yourself.

Ra Ra Ree and Stuff!

-jafg

Comfort Measures

Dear Blogging Friends.

Amanda has lost a loved one.  Please offer her your heart-felt condolences and hold her family up in prayer.

I hope this post finds you and yours in good health and harmony.

Thank you!

-jafg

Tempus Fugit (That's Latin, Y'all)

07/12/10

???.? lbs

I actually had some scale phobias this morning.  I will overcome tomorrow.

I've made a workout date with BB tonight.  None of us have been back to HHH class since May.  Actually, since I decided to start paying for the gym, I've pretty much stopped going.  Bye-Bye $40 a month! 

I do wish a lot of you folks were around in my REAL life.  I'm drawing on the support of a Skinny Athletic Girl (SAG) who has a freakin slammin hot body and a Blushing Bride (BB) who is 22 and still has a baby face.  This means she hasn't fully finished morphing into physical adulthood.  Neither of which understand a weight struggle like I've got.  Well, that's not to say that SAG doesn't work her ass off every night to look as hot as she does.  And BB and Her Beau do yoga twice a week now.  I have seen her change over the past few months. Her face has started thinning out and the adorable little baby cheeks are vanishing just a bit.  [Sadface.]

I am beginning to feel the weight of everything I need to do all at once.  That's a lot of weight.  I want to see 150.  I'm not pushing for these 140s and 130s goals I see with other people.  I'm not ready for that yet.  Hell, I'll be glad with a 165 on the scale.  But shit.  One Hundred Twelve Pounds To Lose.  That's a lot of weight.    And that's based on an out-of-date-weight. 

I'm not whining or whimpering, I'm documenting.  I could choose not to write today.  Or even until I decide to jump back on board, (which technically I am doing tonight because of my workout date). And, in case you haven't figured it out, that's what happened between the end of October to the beginning of March.  I simply tuned out. 

Well, I'm not doing that this time.  I don't care if there are a few "gray days" in my blog world, I'm making myself stay connected.  If I don't, if I drop everything, then 6 months from now I'll just be starting over again.  And I'll be no happier for it.

Hmm.  I'm ending the day on a happy note for all of you.  There's this girl who started about 7 months ago on her new healthy lifestyle.  I'm sure you all know and love Julia @ Jewlia Goulia.  Well, her Monday has greeted her with a 100.1 LB LOSS!  Go congratulate her.  She TOTALLY deserves it!  She's my hero of the day.  Tell her to go back and buy that dress, too.

So.  That got me thinking.

What will seven months get you?

 

-jafg 

Today

06/29/10

277.0 lbs

I just played in the rain.  I was out to my elbows in the run off from my balcony. I'm the top floor and I don't have much overhang.  It was so much fun. 

My balcony door is open and I'm just listening to the sound of the rain. 

Today's a good day.

-jafg

6 Months Into 2010

0506/01/10

281.4 lbs

Virtual Sigh.

Life at Lakehouse was very nice.  Except for the thousands of "no-see-um" bites all over my extremities.  That's another blog-tale.  Benadryl anti-itch cream is my BFF right now.

I actually didn't head out until Saturday afternoon which I am SO glad about because it's in Deliverance country.  Not really, but there are very narrow, winding roads and I surely wouldn't have been able to find my way in the dark of Friday night.  I did bring food and beverage and all were well-received.  Especially the strawberries and cherries which were all eaten up by day 2.  BB made the Knorr Spinach dip sans Hawaiian bread.  We dipped organic carrots and celery into that and it was heavenly.  All meat was grilled, we had a "pork butt" which is aparently the shoulder, not the butt, and boneless chicken breasts.  There were scalloped potatoes and potato salad and good fresh salad to eat too.  There were also turtle brownies a la Betty Crocker (or was is Duncan Hines) Sunday night. 

Aside from the food, there was lots of fun.  We sat around drinking mimosas on a rainy Sunday morning and played  Go Fish.  That's right, I said Go Fish.  I dare you to remember exactly how to play.  Between the three of us, we made something up that resembled it and then played for a few hours.  We jumped on the boat and tootled around got some sun (yes, I was in a make-shift sun-getting outfit) and then headed back for food.  After food was more boat time and sunset hunting time.  It was totally worth the chill in the boating air for what came next. 

Here are a few shots for your viewing pleasure:

And...

Simply breathtaking, isn't it?

After heading back from the sunset we settle in for some movie and turtle brownie time.  There's no real TV in the boondocks so we watched an old Cary Grant movie and called it a night.  It really was fun!

Even though I have added a few lbs from the holiday weekend, I will do my best to be healthy in the food department in the upcoming week.  I head out for Beach Town in the morning. 

It sure would be nice to come back to lost lbs...

-jafg

Um...

05/24/10

280.4 lbs

This just sucks.

I had an unfortunate weekend.  Really, it wasn't a bad weekend.  There was no stress or unhappiness or other reason to fall off the wagon, it just seems right now, I am in this funk.  Things are going well but I can't seem to get my emotions on the same page.  I am wondering if this is a late blooming sort of fat withdrawal.  According to myfitnesspal, I've been going over my daily allowance of fat grams like every day since I started using that website, but I'm feeling the strong urge for a burger and fries.  Or mexican cheese dip.  Or like a deep dish pizza.  Or a sausage egg and cheese breakfast sandwich.  Oh wait.  I had one of those on Saturday.

I didn't exercise Friday night which is actually my favorite night to go to the gym.  No, I was contacted by someone I've met on facebook (friend of a friend sort of thing) and we happen to both be in the same place at the same time, so we decided to get together.  The someone happened to be of the boy persuasion.  Well, not too much of a boy, considering the 6 year age difference.  Now kids, before your minds go too crazy like mine almost did on Friday, this was not a date.  This was meeting for a first time, getting to know someone "IRL" (in real life) and talk about mutual interests.  We paid for our own meals and have no set plans in the future.  Honestly, I've only had one blind date in my life and have never been one for the dating scene.  It's always been different where my relationships are concerned.  Nothing's ever really been conventional.  Because of this I'm a dating flunky.  So I classified this in my mind as a sort of practice date.  Unbeknownst to the someone, of course.

Well, I didn't let any of this bother me too much because I knew this wasn't a date to begin with.  I did go home and "freshen up", chose between two different outfits and changed out my jewelry selections a few times which was actually very fun and girly.  I was 15 minutes late which is totally standard for me, but there was pre-meeting texting going on and he was gracious and patient about it all.  I drank beers (it's a slow process) and had a great grilled chicken sandwich.  We talked about art and life and politics and religion and music and life again which made for a great 3 hours. I didn't feel uncomfortable once.  It was nice!

I got up Saturday morning and went swimming with a work friend.  We met up at my new gym at 7:35am.  I was supposed to meet her at 6:30 but when she called me to make sure I was on my way at 6:25, I was still in bed.  I roll out of bed, throw on something for swimming (which includes a tshirt and shorts) and head out.  We get to The Gym at 7:35am.  AWESOME!  It's so empty!  Well, we park the car, pile out and get to the door.  Which is locked.  Turns out the place doesn't open until 8:00am on Saturdays.  Oops.  At least I don't feel so bad about being late now.  We decide to go for a quick healthy breakfast.  Prior Fat Girl has been raving about the breakfast sandwiches from Subway so I suggest we swing by and get one of those.  Well, turns out the location we find doesn't open for breakfast.  Damnit.  We end up with traditional fast food breakfast from an Arby's down the street.  Neither of us opted for the breakfast potatoes I'm proud to say. 

So we take our no longer healthy breakfast food back to The Gym parking lot and nosh on our goodies.  We're both laughing at the fact that we're eating sausage and bacon before heading to work out.  Slowly but steadily the parking lot begins to fill and a line begins to form outside the door.  There are a lot of older gray-headed people waiting with bike shorts on.  In case you didn't know, real bike shorts have padding in the butt.  The padding makes you look like you're either wearing a diaper that needs to be changed, or your not wearing a diaper and you still need to change.  Not a pretty picture on an old gray-haired man.  Jes Sayin. 

Once we get in we realize why there's a line; it's for the spinning class.  Everyone wants to get in it.  I have more respect for Mr. Doodey Pants now.  But his pants still looked funny. 

Work Friend and I head to the women's locker room and head for the pool.  We get in there and almost all the lanes are full.  There are two left and there's no divider between them which is PERFECT for us.  I did laps (slow-moving-doggie-paddling laps) for about an hour and had mindless girl chatter.  It was so much fun!

We just went back and forth from the shallow end to the deep end chit-chatting about her upcoming nuptials and move (she and her fiancé will be moving to up north for his Graduate school program) and nonsensical stuff like previous public pool experiences.  Before we knew it, an hour had gone by.  We decided to get out of the water because more and more people were heading in and we thought it was best to let some real swimmers have a go at a lane.

The locker room changing was so not fun.  I changed in a dungeon-like shower stall standing on a hand towel.  I won't be doing that again.

After the swim I headed home and had a chance to layout at the concierge pool for about 45 minutes before people started getting there.  I ended up feeling very overheated and left just as the first boys arrived.  It truly was a coincidence.  I don't like being at any pool when boys are around.  There are too many skinny girls for me to feel comfortable. Hell, even if there weren't skinny girls around, I'd be uncomfortable in the tight fitting tank and workout short I was wearing.  I packed up and left.  I didn't feel good so I ended up taking a 3 hour nap. 

Sunday I decided to head to the pool earlier for more alone time and less heat.  I didn't quite make it as early as I'd planned.  I only got about 15 extra minutes (made for 30 minutes of alone time) before the first party group arrived.  It was 5 boys and a girl.  They couldn't have been older than 23.  Honestly, it didn't bother me too much to be there with them.  I stayed for about 30 minutes longer, it was just them and me, and then I decided to leave. 

I fully realized something that has been kind of rolling around in the back of my brain for awhile.  I have more confidence and less self-consciousness now that I'm actively losing weight.  I know there are people that, even though they don't say anything, they still register in their thought processes that I'm a big girl.  It's a simple fact.  I am proud of myself, because I can be in situations that would have had me pretty shaken up earlier in this process even though I believe I'm a pretty secure person for the most part.  I've never been one to hide in a corner, but I sure as hell wouldn't have been comfortable to hang out for an additional 30 minutes in a pool where 5 boys and a thin pretty girl were whooping it up.  That just wouldn't have happened.  But now it's different.  I know I'm just another fat girl, but I'm doing something about it. 

Sunday had a nice 3 hour nap tucked into it as well.  I made it through dinner but still had this "deprived" feeling at the end of the night.  I ended up ordering my thin crust pizza from Domino's at 8:30pm last night. 

It was good, too.

-jafg

I Heart You, Mom!

05/10/10

283.4 lbs

Over the weekend Scale told me I was at 286.2 lbs.  WHAT. THE. HELL.  There's a whole mental saga that played out over the next two days but the end of the story is, I kicked my own ass, stopped feeling sorry for myself, and have changed my thinking to "every workout is last chance workout". 

So, Mom's day was G-R-R-R-ATE (I'm using phonix, friends).  Moms and I had sushi for dinner, botanical gardens for a day trip, an awesome brunch compliments of Chez JAFG, and I treated my mom to a morning workout.  I was very excited about this last one.  She's my cheerleader about losing weight and getting healthy and wants to do the same thing.  It was really exciting to share this with her.  Actually, I'm surprised by how happy it made me to have her participate in this part of my life. 

My mom's a bigger woman like myself.  We're built completely different; She's a pear, I'm an apple.  I've got two inches on her 5'4" self.  I'm "olive-complected", she's "fair-skinned".  We have the same laugh and a lot of the same subconscious mannerisms and as soon as I realize that we're doing something alike at the same time I can't help but smile to myself. I get annoyed and amused at the same time.

Referring back to this weekend, I gained weight.  Scale told me so two days in a row.  I did A LOT of dining out with Moms and did no working out Friday or Saturday.  As a matter of fact, I did nothing really, but sleep and eat on Saturday.  More on that some other time.

Sunday morning, I wake up and decide to have coffee ready for Moms.  When she woke up, I asked her to workout.  She was totally down with trying the recumbent bike at Concierge Gym.  So, we changed into workout gear and headed out. 

She's a very young 53 years of age.  She's got serious left knee problems (to the point that she takes The Stairs one step at a time), was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2002 and now has arthritis starting in.  All of this with serious allergic asthma.  So this working out thing is a big deal. 

She's talked with some physical therapists who have told her to get her knee moving with NO impact (thus the recumbent bike) to get the joint lubrication forming/flowing.  She's supposed to take it easy on the walking front.  We got her on a bike for 15 minutes at level 1.  Woohoo! 

She also did some resistance work on the Circuit machines with her arms.  She was sore this morning, but we got out there again.  Go Moms!  We've got to take it easy because of all the challenges she has health-wise.  I want to make sure she's not doing something that will ultimately exacerbate anything and make the situation worse.  This got me thinking.

So, I was reading my blogroll came across 282.5 which I hadn't read in quite some time (Sorry Jo, and congrats on your freakin fantabulous progress!) and found a reference to a "real age" test.  This one was a free service from http://www.realage.com/.  I've been wanting to take one and so I used 20 minutes of my day and answered the questions honestly.  It was great being able to tell it how much  I exercise on a weekly basis. And then I got my results. 

Actually, I'm pretty stoked about the fact I made it in under 40.  I figured it would be like my first Wii age.  75.  Yeah.  Nice. 

What got me is that the thing told me my workouts are too intense.  I couldn't believe it when I read it.  According to this lengthy assessment, my joint pain I've been experiencing isn't just because I've never moved so much in my life, it's because I'm pushing myself too hard.  I started to connect the proverbial dots between Moms and me and I realized that, just like I don't want her pushing herself too much, I, too, shouldn't want me to push myself too much.  I'm really relieved which is also surprising.  I want to keep a level of intensity that will keep the fat burning happening, but I want my knees to feel better, too. 

I think I've been trying to show all the skinny kids in my classes and gym (including SAG and BB) that I can keep up with the rest of them.  That just because I'm fat doesn't mean that I can't do what they can.  I don't think it's been intentional, I think it's been subconsciously happening. 

Like the way Moms and I both get sassy with one hand on our hips.  And then quickly move our hands when we realize what we're doing.  At the same time.  It's annoying.  And funny.

I HEART YOU, MOM!


-jafg

Public Service Announcement

05/05/10

282.5 lbs

Honestly, I don't remember what came after the point so I'm splitting it down the middle and calling it a .5.  Don't hold it against me.

Do you know what today is?  If you said Cinco de Mayo, you're wrong.  I mean, you're right, but you're wrong. 

Today is Love Another Blogger Day.  (<==for me anyway)

Last night I was catching up on my blog reading and came across two blogs that are kinda opposite ends of the spectrum.  One had a success and one had a fail.  In the universe of diet karma, these seem to cancel each other out, but in fact, I believe the success happened so it could be an encouragement to the one that failed.

Here's blog #1  It's All About The Walls.  This is my friend Amanda who has been sitting at a plateau for weeks.  In her blog she maps out how things coulda gone wrong and she coulda thrown in the towel and quit.  She didn't, she just waited, albeit not so patiently, and finally, the scale moved and moved in the right direction.  YEA Amanda!  What a break through moment!  If you're a habitual dieter as I have been in the past, you'll know that plateaus SUCK EGGS.  So, finally pushing through one (and by 2 pounds even!) is like nothing short of a miracle.

Then there's blog #2 It's just Me, Drazil & Sheniqua.....This is my new friend "Me".  Well, actually, there's a trio rolled into one here I think of her as Drazil most of the time.  Anyway.  Reportedly, there's been a scale buster  in Drazilland and that is never fun.  Not seeing a scale move is one thing, but to see it move in the wrong direction is another.  This is a hard working girl who's busted her "patootie" to get where she is and even has rewarded herself with a tummy-tuck at the end of it all.  And now, after a month of little life things, there's some gain-age on the homefront.  I don't know how much, but really, is there any gain-age that makes us happy on the scales? 



If you watch The Biggest Loser and follow the tweets like #TBL or #BiggestLoser, then you're bound to know about all the insane crying that happens when the show is on. Now kids, if you don't know this by now, I am not one to really appreciate any emotional display other than snarkiness or ranting. However, that damn show has brought me to near hysterics for three weeks in a row!!!! I've been trying to figure out why because I haven't been sad OR happy when the waterworks have begun. I figured it out last night.

I am touched by the genuine feelings these contestants are sharing. Now, I'm not tearing when they're tearing. Actually, when someone else cries on TV, I get a little annoyed. I'm tearing at the stories, the triumphs, the struggles, the overall genuine real humanity of a weightloss battle. Well, that's what's going on here. A little genuine dose of reality in the bloggin world.

My bloggin heart really loves these ladies and all the blogs that I stalk or read occasionally.  I think that those of us who have good days are here to encourage those of us who don't have good days.  I am willing to bet that for every bad day, there's a good day to match it and that's where we should get our strength, encouragement, motivation, and overall warm fuzzies. 

Amanda, meet Drazil.  Drazil, meet Amanda.  You two need each other right now.  And we all need you!

There.  I've done my good deed for the day.

-jafg

Tales of the Come-Back Kid. Again.

04/27/10

285.6 lbs

Overall, this is pretty good.  However, when I tell you that Scale said on Saturday that I had made it to 283.8 (I checked it twice) and then yesterday said I was at 287.2 you see there's not much room for excitment or sadness.  Still, I'll take this as a victory.

Look, I figured up the caloric intake of the adult beverages consumed for this birthday bash and it totals 1688 calories.  I am so cursing right now. As my ramblings have indicated in my previous posts, I am not such a healthfully minded chica on the morning after a night of partaking.  That leads to Bacon.  And lots of other things off of the breakfast buffet at the hotel like grits, potatoes, cheese, bacon, waffle, bacon, cheese danish, bacon.  And a poached egg.  And french fries and a frosty (both small) from Wendy's on the way home. Nice.  I did have a healthy dinner.  It's my lowfat version of a tuna melt with an egg.  It's actually very good and some other time, I will share it with you.

I signed up for myfitnesspal.com, which I heart a lot and would love to add you as a buddy if anyone's interested but I don't know how that works, and I am SO not registering any of my weekend debauchery. 

I was smart and took yesterday off.  I knew that I wouldn't be fully recovered.  Getting old does this to a girl.  There was a time that 3 hours sleep between "gigs" seemed totally doable.  Now I need two days to recover from blow-out bashes like this.  At least I know my limits.  Anyway.  I took yesterday off.  I had some bacon left over from when BFF and Her Hubbie visited that I had shoved into the freezer.  Well, I sliced some of that off, scrambled me two eggs and had a slice of kraft 2% american cheese on it.  Then I had two pieces of peanut butter toast for snacks.  I had my tuna melt for lunch and a porkchop and a half of sweet potato for dinner.  I slept most of the day but what I did do (which I didn't want to do) was exercise.

YEA ME!  I went to HHH class.  Can I just say that I thought I was going to die?  I know I've said that before, but, like, this time, I was really wondering what would happen if I collapsed of a heart attack in the middle of the session.  That would be so embarrassing. 

While I was contemplating coronary issues, I also noticed that I was bouncing a lot more than I first did.  Perhaps I was so worn out because I was pushing a little harder this time.  Perhaps.  I don't know for sure, though.  I was also thinking I really can't miss my Saturday workout.  I will HAVE to make time for a workout when on trips, otherwise, it'll feel like starting over again when I get back to class.  I hate feeling like I'm starting over again.

I uploaded my pics from the trip to FB (my real world FB account, not the JAFG account) and had a pleasant surprise....aside from having kept all my clothes intact over the trip, I was also looking thinner!


-jafg

LOST: 10 lbs. If you find it, please discard.

04/21/10

286.0 lbs

I held my breath and got on the scale twice this morning. 

I've lost 10 lbs since picking up this whole exercise thing!  It's been a lot slower than I would have liked.  On March 23 (and even before I started blogging again to be honest) I had hit 296.+ lbs.  That's horrible.  I don't ever want to have to say that or think that or write that again.  Ever. 

It's been a month.  A month of walking up hills, facing fears, working out with friends, hating those friends, loving them again, trying to watch my food intake, really watching my food intake, getting up at ungodly hours to exercise in the mornings, exercising at night, taking mini-walk breaks at lunch, buying new foreign things, joining a gym, and finally, me actually making me do all these things. 

This is a milestone. And I'm happy to celebrate it.

I'm loving the morning time even though I despise actually having to wake up to expeirence it.  I am loving the feeling of wanting to wretch after a workout like I did last night on the circuit weight machines.  I love that I've increased the weight resistance (almost doubled!) becuase where I began isn't enough anymore.  I don't care about looking a fool in HHH class, although, it's still hard to walk in there even now.  This past month has seen a lot of changes.  W00T!

I have had an accountability partner which has made a world of difference.  I truly would not have gone this far if it hadn't been for that precious little BB and her upcoming Nuptials. 

I'm going to write her a thank you note.  I wonder how many calories are burned with old fashioned writing.


-jafg

I Think I Can Do This

09/17/09

284.2 lbs

That's a 5 lb gain in as many days.  Damnit.

I have a weak constitution when it comes to fun times with friends.  Fat girls just wanna have fun!  At least this one does.  I so love my social time.  I love spending time out with old friends most of all.  Like this weekend.  My BFF has been in my life since I was 15 yrs old.  I'll be 34 in a few short weeks.  That's 19 years of solid friendship, People.  She's been there through thick and thin.  And I totally meant that as a pun, too.

I came out of the fat closet to her this weekend and told her about my bloggin.  She already knew I was fat.  It was scary and exciting all at the same time.  We celebrated by weighing ourselves all weekend.  Well, BFF and Her-Hubbie did, not me.  I figured I'd wait for the shocking results on Monday.  Yeah, shocker. Anyway, if BFF's reading this, SHOUT OUT!  I HEART YOU!

I've been off the bloggin circuit since Friday.  I had a lot of catching up to do.  I laughed, I cried, you know, the usual.  I usually take weekends off, but I'm wondering if I otta start bloggin on the weekends to help stay on track.  Especially when I DO have company or social time.  I will still have to avoid Twitter because no one should drink and text, but I think I'll make more effort to jump into my virtual life on the weekends too.

It's been a month and the only thing consistent here is a steady stream of consiousness.  That's not too hard because I'm usually focused on me, but I really really want to lose weight.  Like really. I want to be bloggin to other fat girls and coaching them through it and telling them they can do it because I did.  I want to glimpse the future of a thin me. [pausing for that glimpse]  Nothing comes to mind.  So, I'm melanchol-i-ly (I just made that word up, feel free to use it) reading over the blogs and secretly hating everyone who's made so much progress in the same amount of time that I've made none, and I come across a post from my favorite Blog-Comic Jack Sh*t Gettin' Fit. 

He's my most favoritest smartass;  after me, of course. If you haven't meandered over to his blog and become a sh*thead convert, then you're really missing out.  He's got like 100,000,000 followers or something like that, so you  probably have, but I'm just sayin. If you're one of the two people left on Earth that hasn't read him before, you should get on it.

Rarely do I read something from The Sh*tter where there's anything serious or straight-faced, but yesterday's was different. I Think You Can Do This It's awesome.  Motivational, inspirational, and most of all, not too sappy.  Here's my homage to that post. (That means I've changed a few things around so it looks different and not like I'm a copycat).

Today I'm racked with doubt about whether or not I'm ever going to drop these pounds. At times I think this is a goal that I'm never going to be able to accomplish.

For what it’s worth, I think I'm gonna do it.

I think I've got this.

What gives me such sure-fire confidence that this is my time?

I think I want it. Of course I want it. Why else would I be here, scouring the internet for information on losing weight and getting healthy? I’m just getting started, laying the groundwork, whatever. But I’m here. I  struggled with weight my whole life and had ups and downs. But, I’m still at it.  I haven’t given up, and that’s one of the most basic, fundamental reasons why I am going to make it.

I think I know what I need to do. I do–that point’s not even up for debate. All the information I need is either in my brain or at my fingertips. I may not be heeding it every day, may not be following my own game plan, but that’s not because I don’t know any better. I know better, and one day (and one day soon) I’m going to wake up to the fact that I know better. Maybe I already have.

I think I deserve it. Don’t get the feeling that I think I’m extra special (although, I do feel like I’m extra special). I think everyone deserves it. Everyone deserves to be healthy, to be fit and to feel good about themselves. It’s a basic human right, and it’s time I reclaimed what is rightfully mine.

I think nothing’s stopping me… but me. I can blame the job, the kitty, the friends, the financial situation… I can blame anything I want, but I have to understand that it’s me that dug this hole that I’m standing at the bottom of it and it’s me that’s going to eventually have to put that shovel down and decide that it’s time to start climbing. I hate climbing. But I’ve gotta do it.

I think it’s time. I mean that, I think it’s time right now. I mean right this very second. Excuses are for the weak, and I am anything but weak. I’m strong-willed, and I know that if I apply myself… I mean really give it my all… this is a journey that I will be successful with.

One month ago I stood on my balcony and got fed up with being just another fat girl. It’s a miserable way to feel.  I looked in a mirror and could no longer face the image staring back at me. I wasn’t so mad at what I’d done to myself; I was mad at what I was continuing to do to myself. Since I can appreciate the difference… well, that’s one more reason why I’m going to make this change in myself.

Because that’s the thing: we’re not chained to the person we are. There’s nothing holding us back if we wake up and decide to make that transformation.

One month ago, I decided to change the person I am, and every day that passes makes me prouder and happier at where I am now and what I will accomplish.

I’m not done yet, and neither are you.

Thank you, Jack.  You're The Sh*t.

-jafg

Superficial Perspective

Often we forget that there are things out there that surpass the superficial. Superficial is in your face all the time. Well, Superficial, meet Perspective.

I've been following a blog called "Prior Fat Girl". It's very insperational and motivational. It's a story of one woman's two year journey to lose 100 lbs. She had a goal of August 1, 2009. She had 1.6 lbs left. We were all cheering for her and wanted to celebrate her victory.

I logged on today to find something that was so far from celebration. A tragic accident that reached right out from the words I read and slapped me in the face. Just 12 hours before her goal day arrived, she lost her mother in a car accident.

I'm not posting my weight today, there are more important things to think about. Remember to love those around you. Take time to smile more, take time to engage more; interact more. Remember that, in a blink of an eye, everything can change.

Jen, my heart is saddened for you and your family. I can't imagine what you feel and am so thankful I don't know it first-hand.

Mom-I love you more than words can say!


-jafg