Just Another Funny Story. This Has Nothing To Do With Fat.

01/13/2011

283.4 lbs

I have a feeling I'm really going to hate that I've been guessing all week.

So, I'm 35.  I don't look it, actually most people are shocked when they find out.  I'm usually guessed at about 26-29.  Although, I really don't believe the people who say 26, I do so LOVE the people who say 29.  Hell, Even the ones that guess 32.  I believe it's because #1 I've got a full face and full faces don't show wrinkles, and #2 I don't wear foundation.  I use liquid eyeliner for my top lids, blush and lipstick.  When I go out, I use mineral make-up and eyeshadow.  And I try to moisturize regularly.  But I don't drink enough water.  I should work on that. 

So ok.  I really do have a point.  I'm 35.  I had an unhappy "who-who" in November.  I was wondering if it was possible to catch some sexually transmitted disease through texting [refer to yesterday's LDL post ;-) ]when I went to visit a new g-y-n because weird things were happening in the below-the-belt area.  Doc said I had an estrogen shortage.  She gave me these little pills of estrogen to take for two weeks.  They came preloaded in a pill injector.  Yeah.  I didn't take these orally.  It was a weird experience. 

So, I'm 35 and I have this thing called PCOS.  I was diagnosed with it a few years ago.  A lot of heavy girls are diagnosed with this.  It gives you hair in places you don't want (and I've got an ethnically diverse background, this happens already), makes it difficult for pregnancy (not really an issue for me, per say), and means that hormones are hokey.  I've also had an irregular cycle (read as nearly non-existent) all my life.  With one exception:  When I'm on Birth Control.  Which was from about 21-27 years of age.  I smoked then and wasn't too concerned because the "you shouldn't smoke while taking The Pill...Especially women over 35" didn't apply to me.  It was so far away.  35 that is.

So that brings me back to my point.  I'm 35.  I've been placed back on The Pill.   Doc did it to regulate me (turns out the thickening of your uterine lining greatly increases your chances for all sorts of cancers) and balance out my hormones which will help with the PCOS.  She did this to me on November 28.  About 3 hours after leaving her office, she calls me.  Here's the conversation.

DOC:  "I use my lunch time to review the charts of my new patients.  I see you're 35."  -No. Shit.-  "It says here you smoke."  -She called me just for this?-  "You can't smoke and take The Pill."  -Damn my honesty on my new patient forms!-  "The risks for a stroke or heart attack are too high."

ME:  "But I only smoke, like, 4 or 5 cigarettes a day.  A pack can almost last me a week!"  Desparation is really starting to set in.

DOC:  "It's smoking.  There's really no safe level.  Especially on The Pill.  You're 35."  -I heard that the first time.- "You need to make a decision."

I like her and hate her all at the same time.  I tell her that since it's only "a few a day", it shouldn't be a big deal to quit.  It's a nasty habit with no redeeming qualities.  A guilty pleasure whose guilt should outweigh the pleasure.  Blah. Blah. Blah.  So. Ok.  I'm going to quit.  Again.  :-|

I've got a Pharmacist in the family.  I ask her and every other Pharmacist I meet about this whole smoking and The Pill thing. Surely one every now and then would be ok.  A little snack once in awhile shouldn't hurt.

The answer is always the same.  "It's not recommended, especially for women your age."  Bastards. 

It's been a process through the Holiday Merriment.  I made a solid commitment on January 3rd and haven't smoked once since the 4th.  So, I'm on day 10 of smoke-free living.  Go Me!  I traded smoking for bleeding and wacked emotions on a monthly basis.  On a good note, taking The Pill has made my boobs bigger.  I don't remember that happening the first time around.

Oh. Doc ends the conversation like this. 

DOC:  "I'm scheduling you for a mamogram.  It's time you get one.  You're 35."

-Bitch.-

-jafg

Tempus Fugit (That's Latin, Y'all)

07/12/10

???.? lbs

I actually had some scale phobias this morning.  I will overcome tomorrow.

I've made a workout date with BB tonight.  None of us have been back to HHH class since May.  Actually, since I decided to start paying for the gym, I've pretty much stopped going.  Bye-Bye $40 a month! 

I do wish a lot of you folks were around in my REAL life.  I'm drawing on the support of a Skinny Athletic Girl (SAG) who has a freakin slammin hot body and a Blushing Bride (BB) who is 22 and still has a baby face.  This means she hasn't fully finished morphing into physical adulthood.  Neither of which understand a weight struggle like I've got.  Well, that's not to say that SAG doesn't work her ass off every night to look as hot as she does.  And BB and Her Beau do yoga twice a week now.  I have seen her change over the past few months. Her face has started thinning out and the adorable little baby cheeks are vanishing just a bit.  [Sadface.]

I am beginning to feel the weight of everything I need to do all at once.  That's a lot of weight.  I want to see 150.  I'm not pushing for these 140s and 130s goals I see with other people.  I'm not ready for that yet.  Hell, I'll be glad with a 165 on the scale.  But shit.  One Hundred Twelve Pounds To Lose.  That's a lot of weight.    And that's based on an out-of-date-weight. 

I'm not whining or whimpering, I'm documenting.  I could choose not to write today.  Or even until I decide to jump back on board, (which technically I am doing tonight because of my workout date). And, in case you haven't figured it out, that's what happened between the end of October to the beginning of March.  I simply tuned out. 

Well, I'm not doing that this time.  I don't care if there are a few "gray days" in my blog world, I'm making myself stay connected.  If I don't, if I drop everything, then 6 months from now I'll just be starting over again.  And I'll be no happier for it.

Hmm.  I'm ending the day on a happy note for all of you.  There's this girl who started about 7 months ago on her new healthy lifestyle.  I'm sure you all know and love Julia @ Jewlia Goulia.  Well, her Monday has greeted her with a 100.1 LB LOSS!  Go congratulate her.  She TOTALLY deserves it!  She's my hero of the day.  Tell her to go back and buy that dress, too.

So.  That got me thinking.

What will seven months get you?

 

-jafg 

New Blog New Me

06/23/10

$#@!$%  lbs

I don't want to talk about it.

I have been bugged by blogger about this new "design template" function so I decided to play around with it.  I'm pretty big on branding, so I've been very skeptical to change things up thinking that "my peeps know me as I am. What if they don't like the change?"  Especially since I have this Super Secret Fat Girl Identity.

That got me to thinking.  I'm changing me, so why not change my blog?  So, I did.  It was fun and here's the result of a week's worth of goofing around to see how it worked.  I wanted to keep a "feminine feel" without looking all middle school girl's locker and still keep the green and pink elements which are really all I care about anyway.  That and my little scale image.  I love that image.  I really like the simplicity of the image and it's been here since the beginning. So, my brand is my hot pink, my green and my little lime green scale. I'm ok with that.

I added a tab for my water tracking because I SERIOUSLY do not consume enough liquid in a day.  I can add up to 5 pages, of have a total of 5 pages, either way I was thinking about moving my "Blogs I heart a lot" to it's own page.  I'm also trying to figure out how to add comment capabilities to my other pages.  I'm working on one for the Crunchy Guns challenge, too.  Which I still haven't done anything about.  Damnit.


Like me, it's a work in progess.  I'm still the same, underneath this new blogger template.  I'm still the snarky JAFG that everybody's come to love.  Or tolerate.  Whatever.  I've just been altered a bit. 

Kinda like my pant size.

-jafg

What Has Happened...

06/15/10

279.2 lbs

I'm not exactly sure what's happened here.  I am exactly sure that I'm none too happy about it.

You should all know by now that I am an avid stalker of Jack Sh*t.  I usually talk about him fondly in passing, but today I must dedicate my blog post to his blog post  What Would Happen.... Before you read further, please take a moment to read his.  It's not extremely wordy so it shouldn't take too long...

Read it already?  Ok, you may move forward now.

Close to this time last year, after reading this post I'd be sitting in my chair right now with a serious case of the "What If"s. Today, though, I'm not!

I've committed, I mean really committed to this weightloss journey of mine.  How do I know?  I know because I make decisions weekly, daily, hourly, even minute-to-minute about my health and weightloss. Sometimes, I don't make the right choices, but I recognize them now, really recognize them, and I take the opportunity to right myself when I am wrong.  I realized it isn't a race.  There is no finish line.


I've transitioned from the "half-hearted swipe" to an honest effort.  I may struggle with 6:00am, but I know it's there now.  I go to my Concierge Gym and I use my membership at The Gym with my friends.  A "co-ed" gym.  That I use. To workout.  With boys around.  I can honestly say that never and I mean NEVER in a million years would have believed that I would be working out at a gym that I was paying to use.  But I do.  And I'm happy about it, too.

I have traded those restaurant menus for a little healthy home cooking.  I should modify this to say that, even though restaurants haven't left me, I make smarter food choices when I'm out.  I think about ingredients.  I think about food preparation.  I thought about them before, but in a completely "I'm here to just enjoy my love of food" way.  I have incorporated healthy lifestyle into my love.  I also buy more fruit than I ever have before.  I don't have a problem consuming veg.  I do have a problem consuming fruit.  So, I buy more of it.  Cherries are my favorite right now.  Oranges are always a stand-by.  Strawberries are great too.  I buy based on ingredients in products and nutrition in general.  I've always "sort-of" done this, now I just always do it.  Period. even my "splurges" are small serving sizes which I strictly follow.  I love checking out at the grocery store now.  All those imaginary eyes on everything coming out of the fat girl's basket are healthy!  Not DIET-y, but HEALTH-y.  Go me!

I turn off the TV or computer every so often and do my best to see just how much sweat I can wring out of my body.  I found out that I love sweat.  Well, sweat that I cause, anyway.  I love seeing my arms glisten because I'm sweating.  I know when my arms and legs sweat, I'm doing something good.  There's not another feeling like it.  I love that feeling of accomplishment when I leave The Gym a little sopping.  Know what I mean? 

I blog to truly hold myself accountable.  It started as a social experiment of sorts.  It really was just to record my thoughts and feelings about my love/hate relationship with the world of weight.  It's grown into so much more.  I love my "blog watchers".  Each of you is like a member of my extended family.  And just like you're part of mine, I feel like I'm part of yours.  I love writing my blog, but I love reading yours, too.  I don't think that one could work without the other.  After all, it takes a village...  :-)

I've made my story something exceptional instead of exhausting, something phenomenal instead of pedestrian, something remarkable instead of run-of-the-mill.  But, you know what?  It always has been.

I have cornered and killed at least one of my bad habits.  And it's not easy.  One bad habit gone...no exercise. That one died this year.  Yea me!  The big one I'm still working on, completely quit smoking.  Completely.  No "snacking".  Ever.  Such a pain in the ass.

I reached deep down and found a gear that I didn't know I even had. Um, Hello?!  I posted pictures of me on the internet in my BATHING SUIT.  That would definitely be a gear I didn't know I had.

If the wind could really catch my sails, am I even aware of the places I could go, the future I could make for myself? I'm not 100% sure of where I'm going to end up "docking" after this healthy trip, but I sure am enjoying the ride!

I don't take "I can't" for an answer.  I stepped out of my own way and I'm moving full on ahead with my eyes wide open and limitless expectations. 

This is what has happened. 

This is the new me.  And I'm hungry for more!

-jafg

W.I.D.T.H.! (I'm Finally Famous...Sort Of)

06/14/10

277.4 lbs

Just yesterday the scale said 276.6 lbs.  I have decided to make 275 lbs a goal for this week.  Wish me luck!

Ok.  So We've established I was out of town last week and the week before.  Well, I was featured in Jack Sh*t's W.I.D.T.H. post on June 2! (Find that post here ==> WIDTH A Little Help From My Friends.  I'm the 4th one down, you can't miss me...)  I haven't been this excited since he actually posted a comment on my blog last year!  (Find that post here ==> I Think Therefore I Can't?. Side note, I've come a long way, Baby!) 

I didn't discover this until I ran to my internet upon my return home Tuesday.  It was like getting a Christmas present that you hope you'll get, but aren't too sure you've been good enough throughout the year.  I feel famous now. 

Onto other equally exciting news...

I have almost won the bathing suit challenge!  YAH-HOOOOO!  I told you a few weeks ago that I made yet another bathing suit purchase; this one from Land's End.  Can I just say they rock?  I opted for a two-piece which still baffles and befuddles me.  I've mentioned in other postings that, even though I am a plus-sized shopper, I do not have a plus-sized bust.  This is really aggrivating when shopping for a bathing suit.  I have enough to merritt underwire, but not enough to merritt a large cup area.  I just need a normal size C-cup.  When I buy a suit by the bra size, I end up with like a size 16 fit which isn't physically possible at the moment (<== like how I choose to stay postive here?) When I try just the "soft cup" one-piece The Girls just hang in not flattering ways.  You see, perkiness just isn't part of the picture anymore. 

Anyway.  I decided to buy separates so I can specify a smaller top size to a lager bottom size.  It totally worked.  The girl swim shorts are a good fit as long as I'm not sitting at a 90* angle and one of the two tops fits superbly while the onter one will be nice for a little later this season (said optimistically).  They're both the same size (in theory) but one's a halter and fits differently.  I love it, but I'm new to halters so it's an adjustment.  I'll be keeping that one for later this summer.  My suits were delivered on  Thursday.

Aren't they cute??

Moms and I went to Concierge Gym on Sunday.  She did two miles on the recumbent and decided to go to the pool while I finished up on the elliptical and weight/circuit machines.  I got in a 50 minute workout that felt GOOD.  I found her wading around so I took off the tennies sat down and put my feet in the water.  Heaven.  It was great.  It occured to me that I had only gone swimming once while on vacation and that just wasn't setting right with the soul.  There weren't many people around and I kept thinking "I could have gone and gotten my suit on and been back by now".  By time I got to round three of that train of thought I'd had enough and went to change. 

I decided to throw on my new suit (that's the solid black top, not the vine halter).  I pull some shorts over my shorts, throw on my white button-down I use as a summer cover-up slather on a decent layer of sun-screen (I am a firm believer in protecting your skin in the sun), grab towels and the sun-screen bottles and head down to the pool.  All in all, it took me about 15 minutes.  I walked right in, took off my top layer of shorts, the button-down-cover-up and walked head held high (but still looking down so I didn't miss any steps) into the pool.  What a triumphant moment!  To top it off, I stayed in when cute boys came in.  I didn't mind when they ended up at the spots next to ours.  I was a little uncomfortable, but I didn't let me get too worked up, after all, I have a great tan right now.  I get out, maneuver to put more sun-screen on, and totally lay out all exposed-like on my chair!  To top it off, I totally manage to get an invitation to a White Party happening in the not so distant future from the cutest one.

At the end of pool time, I get up, pull on my button-down shirt and walk out.  I didn't even pull on the second layer of shorts!  I'm so very proud of me.  This losing weight business has boosted my confidence in ways I didn't even know needed to be done. 

That's just another reason Why I Do This Here...

-jafg

LOST: 10 lbs. If you find it, please discard.

04/21/10

286.0 lbs

I held my breath and got on the scale twice this morning. 

I've lost 10 lbs since picking up this whole exercise thing!  It's been a lot slower than I would have liked.  On March 23 (and even before I started blogging again to be honest) I had hit 296.+ lbs.  That's horrible.  I don't ever want to have to say that or think that or write that again.  Ever. 

It's been a month.  A month of walking up hills, facing fears, working out with friends, hating those friends, loving them again, trying to watch my food intake, really watching my food intake, getting up at ungodly hours to exercise in the mornings, exercising at night, taking mini-walk breaks at lunch, buying new foreign things, joining a gym, and finally, me actually making me do all these things. 

This is a milestone. And I'm happy to celebrate it.

I'm loving the morning time even though I despise actually having to wake up to expeirence it.  I am loving the feeling of wanting to wretch after a workout like I did last night on the circuit weight machines.  I love that I've increased the weight resistance (almost doubled!) becuase where I began isn't enough anymore.  I don't care about looking a fool in HHH class, although, it's still hard to walk in there even now.  This past month has seen a lot of changes.  W00T!

I have had an accountability partner which has made a world of difference.  I truly would not have gone this far if it hadn't been for that precious little BB and her upcoming Nuptials. 

I'm going to write her a thank you note.  I wonder how many calories are burned with old fashioned writing.


-jafg

Here Comes The Bride (part ii)

03/29/10

291.0 lbs

That's 5 lbs gone.  I'm pretty excited about the whole thing really.  I didn't walk this weekend, but I did make good food decisions.  I'm really working at it.  For the time being, anyway.

It's great having a "chubby buddy" to work with.  Don't know what a chubby budy is?  Well, more on that later.  What I need you to remember is that Blushing Bride is a whopping 130+ lb little 21-yr-old "I'm almost 22" young'n.  She's upset because the dresses she's tried on happen to be a size 12.  Wedding dresses are like 4 sizes too small anyway.  They do that to add to a bride's insecurities.  It's mean, really.  But I digress. 

BB is precious.  I love her.  I love them.  The Kids as I like to call them.  Cute couple.  She's not a complainer and doesn't walk around saying "I'm so fat" "I look like a horse" or anything like that.  She's a great little motivator too.  There's this hill that I'll be damned if I'm gonna walk it, but she keeps pushing, saying that we're gonna do it next time.  Bless her heart.  I'm a great rationalizer and I have a few years on her.  Giggle.  It's not that I don't want to walk the Hill.  It's just that by time we get that far, I feel like I'm D-Y-I-N-G.  My hips are killing me.  My shins feel like they are exploding.  I will conquer The Hill, but I'm not ready to do it just yet.  I am super excited about my walking though.  And the healthy eating.  It's kinda like blogging, but like, I don't know, in real life. 

-jafg

Here Comes The Bride (part i)

03/25/10

292.8 lbs

No.  I'm not getting married. Please read on.

I am a litte proud of myself today.  I've found a walking buddy.  Well, a walking for the past two days buddy anyway.  A couple of friends of mine are getting married.  The Blushing Bride wants to shape up for her fall wedding.  She's got real motivation.  We're eating dinner together cause her Beau is studying to be an attorney and is in grad school .  All this is working in my favor.  BB's young, enthusiastic, just over all generally eager to get out and move.

I'm sleepy.  I'm pretty stoked.

My hips are sore.  My butt muscles feel something, I'm not quite sure what it is though.  I'm just glad it's feeling somethng more than numb.

-jafg

8 Days: 23 Hours: 27 Minutes: 14 Seconds Ago

10/27/09

280.2 lbs

I've been sick.  I had bronchitis.  I had to get TWO shots in my ass:  1 shot of steriod and 1 shot of antibiotic.  In addition to a pill regiment.  I also had to be tested for strep and flu.  This means they stick  long cotton swabs down your thoat and up your nose.  I'm not bitter.  I am pretty excited about the weight, though.  It did get as high as 284 last week, but I don't know if that really counts because it then bottomed out at the 0 and 1 mark.  I'm counting it as a "holding steady" for a whole week.  That kinda makes up for the shots and the swabs.  Kinda.

I've got bigger news for you, though.  I quit smoking!  I've given you an approximation of the last time I inhaled.  It's not like I'm keeping track or anything. 

As I said, I've been sick.  I saw the opportunity to stop something bad (since I usually only get sick sick when My Habit is in full swing) and I took it.  I'm still coughing and still sound a little hoarse, but over all I'm feeling like a champ.  A bit of a frustrated champ, but still, a champ.

Yes; I've quit before.  This time I'm working on making it permenant. Again.  Years have gone by before between cigarettes, but somehow I manage to let smoking wiggle its way back into my life.  Sort of exactly like My Fat.  It seems a little ridiculous to be trying to change My Fat habits and change My Habit habits at the same time; but, for some reason, my brain has decided to pair them together.  Like having two things to obsess over will actually ease the burden of both.  I don't get the logic, but that's what has ended up happening.  We'll see how it goes.

It's been easier for me to lay My Habit aside when I'm not feeling that great. I was home all last week. Crabbiness wasn't an issue for others. I slept most of the time and the rest of the time I was laid up on the couch with Kitty watching Murder She Wrote. It's on Hallmark in the middle of the day and it's totally a guilty pleasure. I usually record it.

You can't honestly expect me to give up ALL of my vices.

-jafg

The One Thing I Wasn't Gonna Do

10/16/09

???.? lbs

I was too chicken to get on the scale this morning.

I went to a wine and cheese social last night.  It was ok.  It was a business event and since I'm still new to this town, I don't know many folks in my business.  I'm working on it, though. Well, as the event title suggested, there was plenty of wine and cheese.  The wine was mediocre, but the cheese was fantastic.  I probably ate $20 worth of cheese last night. That and the one glass of wine makes up for my $25 event ticket.

I caught myself on my second plate realizing that I shouldn't be consuming this much cheese.  It's hard to turn down big chunks of Gruyère, though.  That stuff's my fave.  That and Rembrandt aged Gouda (not smoked Gouda but, boy, smoked g is great in grits).  Yummmm.  I could make myself sick on the stuff. I have before.  I'm not proud of that.  I did go back and get some carrots to make me feel a little more healthy.

So today I started thinking about a goal.  I said in the beginning there would be no goal-setting, but damnit, I guess I need to.  I don't think blogging all the time is a good enough goal.  This blogging almost every day is really easy because I enjoy it.  It's not work and, for the most part, is pretty much effortless. Shouldn't a goal require some effort to complete?  Well, What do I need to accomplish?  That list is too long to put here so I'll bring out the one I'm thinking about at the moment.  No, not eat less cheese (although, I am trying), but drink more water.  That's right.  Water is my goal. 

I don't actually do a lot of liquid intake during the day with the exception of the occasional Mr. Pibb (which I haven't had since this past weekend) and coffee.  So, I need to drink more water.  So far I've only been able to get one or two glasses in a day.  I need to be drinking like 10.  So...this is my goal.  DRINK WATER.  At least 60 ounces a day.  I am still going to have coffee, but for every one cup of coffee I have I'm going to have 2 glasses of water that don't count toward my goal.

I hate what this means for my bladder.

-jafg

Love and Birthday Cake

10/15/09

280.4 lbs

I was confused about that, too.

Thanks so much for all the comments, yesterday.  It was great to learn what gave everyone that big shove they needed to get off the fat couch and get moving toward healthy living.  I also got two new blogfans yesterday and had more comments than I ever had before in one sitting!  Woo Hoo!  I am feeling the love.

Speaking of Love, I may not have mentioned this to you before but it was recently my Birthday.  Well, I was traveling on the day of and didn't really get to do much fun.  Need I remind you of my airplane experience?  Anyway, What I DID get to do was spend a few hours in the Vegas airport so, I guess, it could have been worse.  Like the time I was super sick over New Year's.  That was horrible. 

Okay, getting back to my Love point.  I really wasn't feeling my 34th all that much.  It was turning out to be just a blah birthday.  Not because of anything in particular, but I didn't make much fanfare and was feeling a little 'whatever' about it.  Some years are just like that... 

So, I told you yesterday I was attending a belated Birthday Bash for me.  It was great!  My work friends, my mom, and my non-work friends all met out and celebrated me.  I know I sound like a self-centered little jafg (and I kind of am), but in all seriousness, I was really feeling the love.  It's a heartwarming, humbling experience when everyone celebrates you.

So yesterday was awesome, we've established that.  Well, this morning when I got on the scale, I really couldn't believe what I was seeing.  [See weight above]  I got on the scale twice just to test it out, but the number stayed the same; right down to the ounce.  I am thrilled!  For the record, the only thing I've really started again is cutting back on food consumption.  I'm not snacking at night, I'm eating Lean Cuisines for lunch (mostly) and that's pretty much it.  I'm a little surprised to see such a drop this morning.  I'm hoping it holds out.

Of course, I can't wait for first chance to get to my blog.  When there, I hit my reader.  I check on a blog I've been following closely this week:  Creating Natasha.  She's Canadian; don't hold it against her.  (Hey, I'm from the South.  I've earned the right to make fun of other geographical locations.)  I find out that she's responded to not one, but TWO of my witty little comments from the week!  RIGHT IN HER BLOG!  What an awesome present.  I told her it was like I was a guest poster or something.  I felt so cool! Which is really funny considering she wrote about that this week.

Everybody's birthday should be special! It's a special day! My special day just came a week and a half later than usual. I was even surprised with a birthday cake at work yesterday. It was good. I did have some; after all, it was for me.


-jafg

Enter At Your Own Risk

09/24/09

285.5 lbs

Yikes.  I brought my workout clothes to work.  I even remembered to pack matching socks and my tennies.  Oh yeah, I did finally find my other tennie (see my flip-flop post).

I'm trying to take a break from smoking today so that I can really do ok on whatever treadmill-like machine I'll be on (I really hope I'm alone in there...).  I did that by not stopping to buy another pack last night.  What the hell was I thinking?! It's killing me.  I'm also trying to drink plenty of water and not snack at all. 

So picture it, my friends....A nicotine-fiending, food-crazed, exercise-phobia-facing woman sitting at the keyboard. 

All for the purpose of working out in public. Where people can see me. Sweating.  In Shorts. Where I Live.

Holy crap.  I need a cigarette!!



Be afraid.  Be very, very afraid.

-jafg

I Think I Can Do This

09/17/09

284.2 lbs

That's a 5 lb gain in as many days.  Damnit.

I have a weak constitution when it comes to fun times with friends.  Fat girls just wanna have fun!  At least this one does.  I so love my social time.  I love spending time out with old friends most of all.  Like this weekend.  My BFF has been in my life since I was 15 yrs old.  I'll be 34 in a few short weeks.  That's 19 years of solid friendship, People.  She's been there through thick and thin.  And I totally meant that as a pun, too.

I came out of the fat closet to her this weekend and told her about my bloggin.  She already knew I was fat.  It was scary and exciting all at the same time.  We celebrated by weighing ourselves all weekend.  Well, BFF and Her-Hubbie did, not me.  I figured I'd wait for the shocking results on Monday.  Yeah, shocker. Anyway, if BFF's reading this, SHOUT OUT!  I HEART YOU!

I've been off the bloggin circuit since Friday.  I had a lot of catching up to do.  I laughed, I cried, you know, the usual.  I usually take weekends off, but I'm wondering if I otta start bloggin on the weekends to help stay on track.  Especially when I DO have company or social time.  I will still have to avoid Twitter because no one should drink and text, but I think I'll make more effort to jump into my virtual life on the weekends too.

It's been a month and the only thing consistent here is a steady stream of consiousness.  That's not too hard because I'm usually focused on me, but I really really want to lose weight.  Like really. I want to be bloggin to other fat girls and coaching them through it and telling them they can do it because I did.  I want to glimpse the future of a thin me. [pausing for that glimpse]  Nothing comes to mind.  So, I'm melanchol-i-ly (I just made that word up, feel free to use it) reading over the blogs and secretly hating everyone who's made so much progress in the same amount of time that I've made none, and I come across a post from my favorite Blog-Comic Jack Sh*t Gettin' Fit. 

He's my most favoritest smartass;  after me, of course. If you haven't meandered over to his blog and become a sh*thead convert, then you're really missing out.  He's got like 100,000,000 followers or something like that, so you  probably have, but I'm just sayin. If you're one of the two people left on Earth that hasn't read him before, you should get on it.

Rarely do I read something from The Sh*tter where there's anything serious or straight-faced, but yesterday's was different. I Think You Can Do This It's awesome.  Motivational, inspirational, and most of all, not too sappy.  Here's my homage to that post. (That means I've changed a few things around so it looks different and not like I'm a copycat).

Today I'm racked with doubt about whether or not I'm ever going to drop these pounds. At times I think this is a goal that I'm never going to be able to accomplish.

For what it’s worth, I think I'm gonna do it.

I think I've got this.

What gives me such sure-fire confidence that this is my time?

I think I want it. Of course I want it. Why else would I be here, scouring the internet for information on losing weight and getting healthy? I’m just getting started, laying the groundwork, whatever. But I’m here. I  struggled with weight my whole life and had ups and downs. But, I’m still at it.  I haven’t given up, and that’s one of the most basic, fundamental reasons why I am going to make it.

I think I know what I need to do. I do–that point’s not even up for debate. All the information I need is either in my brain or at my fingertips. I may not be heeding it every day, may not be following my own game plan, but that’s not because I don’t know any better. I know better, and one day (and one day soon) I’m going to wake up to the fact that I know better. Maybe I already have.

I think I deserve it. Don’t get the feeling that I think I’m extra special (although, I do feel like I’m extra special). I think everyone deserves it. Everyone deserves to be healthy, to be fit and to feel good about themselves. It’s a basic human right, and it’s time I reclaimed what is rightfully mine.

I think nothing’s stopping me… but me. I can blame the job, the kitty, the friends, the financial situation… I can blame anything I want, but I have to understand that it’s me that dug this hole that I’m standing at the bottom of it and it’s me that’s going to eventually have to put that shovel down and decide that it’s time to start climbing. I hate climbing. But I’ve gotta do it.

I think it’s time. I mean that, I think it’s time right now. I mean right this very second. Excuses are for the weak, and I am anything but weak. I’m strong-willed, and I know that if I apply myself… I mean really give it my all… this is a journey that I will be successful with.

One month ago I stood on my balcony and got fed up with being just another fat girl. It’s a miserable way to feel.  I looked in a mirror and could no longer face the image staring back at me. I wasn’t so mad at what I’d done to myself; I was mad at what I was continuing to do to myself. Since I can appreciate the difference… well, that’s one more reason why I’m going to make this change in myself.

Because that’s the thing: we’re not chained to the person we are. There’s nothing holding us back if we wake up and decide to make that transformation.

One month ago, I decided to change the person I am, and every day that passes makes me prouder and happier at where I am now and what I will accomplish.

I’m not done yet, and neither are you.

Thank you, Jack.  You're The Sh*t.

-jafg

Ch-Ch-Changes.....

08/06/09

284.2 lbs

I weighed myself twice this morning. Even though I know that weight fluctuates from day to day, I'm still doing a little happy dance today. I find that I am MOTIVATED by the 2-lb difference. Motivation begets Momentum.....Having said that, I have a confession to make. I am drinking half a Mr. Pibb right now.

I caved, I know. It's my fat's fault, though, not mine. I get all excited about healthy eating. I have a healthy dinner, a healthy lunch, another healthy dinner (yummy salmon with seared greenbeans and squash/zucchini ribbons and a half of a sweet potato), another healthy lunch, and then it happens.

My fat gets very upset with me and makes me do bad things! My fat sends out the "Ooooohhh that cookie is so good, you know you want it!" messages and the "But life is too short and you shouldn't deny yourself little simple pleasures" messages. I try to be strong. I try to resist. Then suddenly, I'm walking by a counter full of Mr. Pibb and my fat sends out an irresistable urge to grab Mr. Pibb and pop it open. Yep, that's what happens. I drink a Mr. Pibb. It's only a half a one this time. Last night my fat expressed itself by eating a few spoonfuls of one of my $.99 pints o' icecream I have in the freezer. Remember those?

Well, I've been contemplating these actions and figured it could be worse. I stated in the beginning of this blog that I'm not goal-setting. I want to provide commentary on the World of Weight. It's the boyfriend that I can't get rid of and won't let go of all at the same time (don't you just hate that?!?). I'm really excited to see if talking about weight from every aspect of it in my life will actually end up with the result of me losing said weight. Ultimately, that's what I'm hoping here. Oh no. I think I just set a goal.

Since my little blog project got rolling, I've really been more aware of what I'm buying and eating. Wait. Not more aware, because I always know what I'm putting in my mouth and I always know what it will do to my jiggle and my hips. I think the better word is caring. That's the first by-product of this little social experiment. I'm pretty happy about it. What I don't want to happen to me is that I turn into this food-obsessed monster that can only look at the lunch sitting next to your keyboard rather than look you in the eyes when I talk to you. Yeah, I'm that fat girl.

So, I'm going to go home and be amused by the battle between me and my fat. I'm going to eat a healthy dinner and not worry if a few bites of ice cream manage to end up on the spoon that's heading toward my mouth. After all, life is too short to deny yourself little simple pleasures! Wait. Did you just hear that?

-jafg