Um...

05/24/10

280.4 lbs

This just sucks.

I had an unfortunate weekend.  Really, it wasn't a bad weekend.  There was no stress or unhappiness or other reason to fall off the wagon, it just seems right now, I am in this funk.  Things are going well but I can't seem to get my emotions on the same page.  I am wondering if this is a late blooming sort of fat withdrawal.  According to myfitnesspal, I've been going over my daily allowance of fat grams like every day since I started using that website, but I'm feeling the strong urge for a burger and fries.  Or mexican cheese dip.  Or like a deep dish pizza.  Or a sausage egg and cheese breakfast sandwich.  Oh wait.  I had one of those on Saturday.

I didn't exercise Friday night which is actually my favorite night to go to the gym.  No, I was contacted by someone I've met on facebook (friend of a friend sort of thing) and we happen to both be in the same place at the same time, so we decided to get together.  The someone happened to be of the boy persuasion.  Well, not too much of a boy, considering the 6 year age difference.  Now kids, before your minds go too crazy like mine almost did on Friday, this was not a date.  This was meeting for a first time, getting to know someone "IRL" (in real life) and talk about mutual interests.  We paid for our own meals and have no set plans in the future.  Honestly, I've only had one blind date in my life and have never been one for the dating scene.  It's always been different where my relationships are concerned.  Nothing's ever really been conventional.  Because of this I'm a dating flunky.  So I classified this in my mind as a sort of practice date.  Unbeknownst to the someone, of course.

Well, I didn't let any of this bother me too much because I knew this wasn't a date to begin with.  I did go home and "freshen up", chose between two different outfits and changed out my jewelry selections a few times which was actually very fun and girly.  I was 15 minutes late which is totally standard for me, but there was pre-meeting texting going on and he was gracious and patient about it all.  I drank beers (it's a slow process) and had a great grilled chicken sandwich.  We talked about art and life and politics and religion and music and life again which made for a great 3 hours. I didn't feel uncomfortable once.  It was nice!

I got up Saturday morning and went swimming with a work friend.  We met up at my new gym at 7:35am.  I was supposed to meet her at 6:30 but when she called me to make sure I was on my way at 6:25, I was still in bed.  I roll out of bed, throw on something for swimming (which includes a tshirt and shorts) and head out.  We get to The Gym at 7:35am.  AWESOME!  It's so empty!  Well, we park the car, pile out and get to the door.  Which is locked.  Turns out the place doesn't open until 8:00am on Saturdays.  Oops.  At least I don't feel so bad about being late now.  We decide to go for a quick healthy breakfast.  Prior Fat Girl has been raving about the breakfast sandwiches from Subway so I suggest we swing by and get one of those.  Well, turns out the location we find doesn't open for breakfast.  Damnit.  We end up with traditional fast food breakfast from an Arby's down the street.  Neither of us opted for the breakfast potatoes I'm proud to say. 

So we take our no longer healthy breakfast food back to The Gym parking lot and nosh on our goodies.  We're both laughing at the fact that we're eating sausage and bacon before heading to work out.  Slowly but steadily the parking lot begins to fill and a line begins to form outside the door.  There are a lot of older gray-headed people waiting with bike shorts on.  In case you didn't know, real bike shorts have padding in the butt.  The padding makes you look like you're either wearing a diaper that needs to be changed, or your not wearing a diaper and you still need to change.  Not a pretty picture on an old gray-haired man.  Jes Sayin. 

Once we get in we realize why there's a line; it's for the spinning class.  Everyone wants to get in it.  I have more respect for Mr. Doodey Pants now.  But his pants still looked funny. 

Work Friend and I head to the women's locker room and head for the pool.  We get in there and almost all the lanes are full.  There are two left and there's no divider between them which is PERFECT for us.  I did laps (slow-moving-doggie-paddling laps) for about an hour and had mindless girl chatter.  It was so much fun!

We just went back and forth from the shallow end to the deep end chit-chatting about her upcoming nuptials and move (she and her fiancé will be moving to up north for his Graduate school program) and nonsensical stuff like previous public pool experiences.  Before we knew it, an hour had gone by.  We decided to get out of the water because more and more people were heading in and we thought it was best to let some real swimmers have a go at a lane.

The locker room changing was so not fun.  I changed in a dungeon-like shower stall standing on a hand towel.  I won't be doing that again.

After the swim I headed home and had a chance to layout at the concierge pool for about 45 minutes before people started getting there.  I ended up feeling very overheated and left just as the first boys arrived.  It truly was a coincidence.  I don't like being at any pool when boys are around.  There are too many skinny girls for me to feel comfortable. Hell, even if there weren't skinny girls around, I'd be uncomfortable in the tight fitting tank and workout short I was wearing.  I packed up and left.  I didn't feel good so I ended up taking a 3 hour nap. 

Sunday I decided to head to the pool earlier for more alone time and less heat.  I didn't quite make it as early as I'd planned.  I only got about 15 extra minutes (made for 30 minutes of alone time) before the first party group arrived.  It was 5 boys and a girl.  They couldn't have been older than 23.  Honestly, it didn't bother me too much to be there with them.  I stayed for about 30 minutes longer, it was just them and me, and then I decided to leave. 

I fully realized something that has been kind of rolling around in the back of my brain for awhile.  I have more confidence and less self-consciousness now that I'm actively losing weight.  I know there are people that, even though they don't say anything, they still register in their thought processes that I'm a big girl.  It's a simple fact.  I am proud of myself, because I can be in situations that would have had me pretty shaken up earlier in this process even though I believe I'm a pretty secure person for the most part.  I've never been one to hide in a corner, but I sure as hell wouldn't have been comfortable to hang out for an additional 30 minutes in a pool where 5 boys and a thin pretty girl were whooping it up.  That just wouldn't have happened.  But now it's different.  I know I'm just another fat girl, but I'm doing something about it. 

Sunday had a nice 3 hour nap tucked into it as well.  I made it through dinner but still had this "deprived" feeling at the end of the night.  I ended up ordering my thin crust pizza from Domino's at 8:30pm last night. 

It was good, too.

-jafg