Which Way Did She Go, George?

08/31/09

285.2 lbs

Hmm.  I just realized I've been doing this whole tracking thing for a month.  Technically, I've lost 2 lbs.  2.    > :-|   I don't know what I think about this.

I have gained a few iFriends. As a matter of fact, I'm totally plagiarizing "iFriends" from Jen is Zen who was one of my first real followers.  It's a cute phrase, right?  Anyway, I really enjoy coming to my blog and scrolling to see all the updates.  I've missed a lot.  A LOT.  I really hate that, it's so hard to catch up. 

Catching up is hard to do. It's hard to catch up with "back on track".  It's hard to catch up with "eating right".  It's hard to catch up with "exercise".  I fell down and scraped my proverbial knees a few weeks ago and just haven't managed to catch up with Momentum.  The bitch is a lot faster than I am.  Once I lost her, I just can't seem to get her to slow down again so I can catch up!  I need help finding her again.  I need to find some Motivation along the way and hop back on Momentum's train, throw my arms out to the side and feel the wind in my hair "I'm Queen of the World!" style, ya know?  Maybe even get a little theme song action in the background...Who knows.  BUT...I have lost 2 very real lbs. 

In honor of my one-month anny, let's look at some positives.  I do take the stairs at work more often than anything else!  Go Me! I do try to eat healthier and snack less at work.  Some days are better than others and some are worse than I'd care to admit.  Chalking this up to a daily struggle, but hey, that's ok.  I've stopped my ice cream consumption almost comlpletely.  Sad, I know.  I miss ice cream a lot.  Snicker Bar? Still an occasional visitor.  So is Mr. Pibb. 

All in all, there have been some changes that have stuck.  This is progress.  Slow, oh so damn slow; but still,  Progress, nonetheless.  I wonder what next month will reveal.  My Fat and I have come to an understanding.  I don't think there's a line in the sand, yet.  But it's coming.  OOOhhhh, it's coming.

-jafg

Being The Toilet Paper

08/28/09

286.2 lbs

At least it's stopped going up.

My toilet paper has hearts and flowers embossed into it. Each sheet is just a bubbly little square patch of warm fuzzies. This got me to thinking. I don't know about your toilet paper, but mine's been used for some pretty nasty business. Actually, I can't think of one nice thing I've ever used my toilet paper for! I've wiped tooth paste off the mirror and faucet, cleaned up spilled coffee and other beverages off the bathroom sink, gotten cat vomit off the floor. Not to mention all the traditional uses for the stuff! And yet, each sheet holds hearts and flowers. If toilet paper were a girl, I really don't think I'd like her very much.

I keep telling you about the first class crappy days I've been having lately. They've been just that. CRAPPY. Our buddy Jack Sh*t would fit right in with my past two weeks. He'd probably revel in the crappiness of it all. Well, I've decided to be like my toilet paper today. I'm busy cleaning up metaphorical sh*t and I'm wearing metaphorical hearts and flowers while doing it. That's right. I'm warm and fuzzy. It's a dirty job, but SOMEbody's gotta do it.

-jafg

I'm Sorry.....Sooo Sorry.....

08/26/09

286.2 lbs

'Nuff said.

Have I told you lately that I'm sorry? Cause I am. I'm really, really sorry. Really. Sorry.

That's all I've been saying today. I'm not kidding. ALL DAY. And just in case I've missed anyone...I'M SORRY!

I've meant it every time. Nothing's been insincere. It shouldn't be when you apologize. That means it's not a real apology. But do you know how much it can wear you out to give a good apology? It's very tiresome. It should be counted as exercise it's so damn taxing on the system. As a matter of fact, I'm going to say that all the alpologies have worked off the 6 Oreo's I ate today. Yeah, that's right...6. I'm sorry.

Last night my work BFF and I completely had a "heated" discussion. They say "heated" because it creates a physical reaction in your system that makes your arm pits sting. You know what I'm talking about. Of course, we made up over a few adult beverages. This led to eating delish sweetpotato chips (the basket was refilled for a round-2)with a creamy bacon blue cheese sauce. Awesome. Oh, and I'm sorry. Of course, I don't feel so great today, but I tried to remain somewhat on track. Well, I mean, at least I can see that track from where I'm sitting. Metaphorically speaking. I'm not really on it right now. Whatever. I mean, I'm sorry.

I'm still all about some retail therapy. However, to get new things, one doesn't necessarily have to buy new things. I'm trying to win a cookbook from our gal Jen: A Prior Fat Girl. She's got this thing called a 'Monday GiveAway'. If I shamelessly plug her blogpost, I get an entry to win. I haven't worked out the whole remaining anonymous thing with the delivery of the prize, but I'm sure I'll think of something. Oh, don't worry about the cookbook. I know I'm gonna win it. I'm sorry.


-jafg

I Need A Good 12-Step. Really.

08/24/09

285.4 lbs

That's from Saturday. It probably a little higher today, though.

Hello, blogging buddies. Did you miss me? It's been almost a week since my last confession. I mean blogpost. I'm feeling a little shameful about it.

I have been in the most funkiest funk. It started last week. I hit a metaphorical brick wall and am still kinda licking my wounds. Poor me. I crawled in bed at 5:00pm on Thursday and didn't get out until 10:00am Friday. And then I slept most of the day Friday, too. Saturday was a little better. I got out and saw Julie & Julia. Great movie! It's all about blogging and food. What's better than that? I mean, that's pretty much what I do, right?

After the movie, I did what any red-blooded American Woman would do when in a funk. I went shopping. I landed at Target. I heart Target. Especially when it's a Super Target. You get Food and Fashion all in the same place. It's great. I restricted my shopping to things I needed but wouldn't just buy everyday like nail polish. I got a great color. Fantab really. It's a metallic grayish pink. It's on my fingers and toes. In the sun, I look like I have pink chrome on my nails. Awesome. I'll get the name of it tonight and add a Post-Post Script tomorrow.

So, Sunday I still wasn't feeling all shiny and happy so, off to the stores again. I'll share a little make-up tip with you. Sally Beauty Supply has a great line called Femme Couture Mineral Effects. It's great stuff. Really. I wouldn't steer you wrong when it comes to war paint. Also, it's way cheaper than most mineral make-up. WAY cheaper.

I also decided to do my own highlights. Money Saving tips and all. When I lived in Big Southern City, my BFF was my stylist for YEARS. He knew my hair better than I did. The relationship ended when I moved to Beachtown. It took a year to find a replacement. When I did, it was magical. Fireworks and everything! I just moved to Small Southern City 5 months ago. I still haven't met The One. As you can see, I take hair very seriously, so this whole do-it-yourself thing has me a little worried. Keep your fingers crossed.

I decided I need a new top. I went to Avenue after Sally's. It's hit or miss. On Sunday, it was all miss. I'm going to Khol's sometime this week. I heart Khol's, too. I need a top. I need something that makes me feel pretty. Thus, the new do, war paint, and finger/toe nails. A new top will just 'top' everything like a cherry on a sundae. Or nuts, if you prefer.

I had one of those last night. A sundae, that is. This blogging business has made me realize I have a thing for ice cream. Note to self, break up with ice cream. I had to do the walk of shame from my car to my place at the top of The Stairs. At least I got a bit of exercise in the process. Doubt it worked off that fudge.

Funkiest Funk has opened the door to ungood eating. Well, it's been good, but not "good for you". I've tried, but pretty much failed for over a week. See Weight above. I'm almost back where I started. Yea. Go me. I realized something though. I'm addicted to my fat. It gives me an excuse to eat sundaes. I told you this is my love/hate relationship with the world of weight. I wasn't lyin.

As much as I try to change, to shed the poundage, I have to admit find comfort and solace in the buldge. I also love to hate it, too. OMG What is wrong with me??!! I have these arguments with my fat. Sometimes I win, sometimes my fat does. Either way, the battle's not too pretty.

I think I need a 12-step. I've admitted I'm fat-I mean I'm addicted to my fat. Step one down. Now I need to change my ways. I need to do something that is anti-fat. I'm not ready to give up food, so I think I'm actually going to have to start being ACTIVE. Ew. Who wants to be my buddy? There's no talking about my shopping, though.

-jafg

Disclaimer:
Please note that this blog is not making light of other addictions such as Alcohol or Narcotics or such. If you are on your own journey of recovery, I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Ra-Ra-Ree! Kick 'Em In the Knee! Ra-Ra-Rass! Kick 'Em In The ...

08/19/09

???.? lbs

I didn't weigh myself this morning.

I was on time to work, though!

I visit my blog daily for different reasons. Getting a new post up is actually lower on 'the list' than you might think.

I can't wait to see if I get new comments. If I don't have new comments, then I love logging on to see if I have new Followers, or "blog watchers" as I like to call them. Seeing that list grow with people who aren't my mother is freakin awesome. I haven't even been online a month and I've got 8 public watchers! This makes me feel awesome! Also, I feel a sense of obligation to make sure I keep it up. That whole public accountability thing, remember?

I feel bad when I eat cheese-laiden nachos with sour cream, or stuff like that. Not that I did that last night or anything. Well, maybe I don't feel bad, but like I'm letting my team down. Which is kinda worse. I've never been one much for sports; that feeling kinda sucks!

This whole thing is like a huge team, I'm going to all these different blogs and find other blogs from their "blog rolls" and become new fans of struggling ladies just like me. As I said the first time, I'm just another fat girl. One Fat Girl in a sea of LOTS of Fat Girls. Fat being "I need to lose 10 lbs" to "I need to lose 150lbs". I would love to lose 135.4lbs....YIKES. I've never placed a number on my wieghtloss dreams before.  I just did it on a calculator. The number is still staring back at me. Damn Number.


I love this not so little network of Peeps. Thanks for stopping by to read! If you've got a story, I'd love to know about it. Leave a comment with a link to it. This'll give me a reason to feel awesome!

Go Team!

-jafg







(corrected a typo on 08/31/09)

Nervous Nellie Needs a Snack

08/18/09

285.4 lbs

The weekend is still catching up with me. [sadface]

I've been nervous all day today. For whatever reason, I woke up late. Really late. I was 30 minutes late to work. I went to make coffee and got coffee grounds all in my cup. I had Arby's for lunch. We're talking Beef 'n Cheddar and potato cakes. And Dr. Pepper. I called my mom to tell her I was feeling a bit depressed today. This doesn't happen often, so when it does, I notice.

My real job has three big meetings a month. Today was one of them. I started sweating this meeting as if it was the first time I'd be in the same room with these people. It was wierd. My Chi was off and I don't even know what Chi is. Let's just say it was an interesting meeting.

I notice my hand finds its way to my mouth much more frequently when I'm nervous. I mean, I pretty much can find any reason to eat, but the mindless eating happens a lot when I'm nervous. I just had a bite-size Twix and Snicker Bar. Damn Snicker Bar.

I probably should do something else other than eat. Well, I do, I smoke. But I can't chain smoke inside the building and "They'd" probably notice if I moved my office outside. I should probably practice yoga breathing or something zen like that.

Or maybe I should take a xanax.

-jafg

I'm Calling a Do-Over!

08/17/09

284.6 lbs

Apparently my fat is very sensitive to carbs and hangovers.

As you all know, I socialized last Thursday. I had a fantab time, too. It was fun to get out with friends on the town. And I do enjoy a good adult beverage. The thing is, the more I enjoy a good adult beverage the more I tend to partake of said good adult beverage. This leads to a night of a very happy fat girl who forgets about fat and focuses only on happy. This in itself is not a bad thing. However, after an undisclosed number of shots, 2:00am seems early and the happy girl just wants to have fun!

I also mentioned I am a serious rationalizer. This skill is only sharpened when adult beverages are added to the mix. As most people lose their ability to think logically as an evening progresses, my logic skills are increased 10-fold. It's very difficult to say no to my persuasive spins. Poor friends.

If you don't partake, then you don't know that the night of one too many will lead to a day of dread. The only thing that soothes the pain is grease-house food. Like Waffle House at 2:30 in the morning. If that 2:30 late-dinner-early-breakfast-date is bypassed, well then, it is a must the morning after. Or at some point in the day if one has a job to report to like me. I opted for a great greasy burger and fries (and soymilk) in the afternoon. And oreos. It was good.

I got home Friday night and my hangover had breakfast. Grits, biscuits, potatoes, bacon and an egg. Holy Crap. I didn't eat the egg. It didn't do too well after the first bite so I gave up on that. The grits were awesome. They had just a hint of colby-jack cheese added. It would seem that this would be enough to just do a person in, but my hangover wasn't finished with me yet. It needed icecream to top the evening off. It should be ashamed.

Saturday wasn't much better. I took a 3 hour nap. This is after having potatoes, bacon, and scrambled eggs for breakfast. It turns out I'm very out of practice from playing on a schoolnight. I was still feeling like shite. I don't think the food had anything to do with it. After I woke up, I realized I needed to go grocery shopping. Being in a very unmotivated state of mind, I opted for fast food mexican instead. At least I'd have to walk down The Stairs and back up again for the sin.

Sunday I woke up mopey. There's just no other word for it. Well, after coffee and a smoke I kicked myself in the ass. I realized that I'd have to face everyone on Monday and report all of this nonsense. I also realized that I still had no food in the house. This is not conducive to healthy living. I pulled out the weekly grocery flyers and tore through each of them. That's three stores, People. I spent my yesterday afternoon grocery shopping. There were some really great deals. I found albacore tuna 10 for $10! I got 15 cans. I also got Amy's Pizza for a really great deal! I had that for dinner last night.

I didn't spread this shopping excursion out over several days, I did it all in one big blowout. This means multiple trips up and down and back up The Stairs. I think that paid the price for my food transgressions.

I guess you could say I fell off the wagon this weekend. It's a good thing I'm not on a diet.

-jafg

Soy Joy

08/14/09

283.2 lbs

Hmmph.


I had fun last night! I had pizza for dinner. With pepperoni and sausage and mushroom. My favorite. I didn't gorge on it like I could have. Two pieces with dinner and one piece later as a "midnight snack". I may have had a few cocktails. I didn't drive. You shouldn't either if you partake of libations.

I also had some friendship bread with my midnight snack. And a glass of soymilk. Thank GOD for soymilk. I'm not joking when I say that either. I brought some with me to work this morning. Actually, the whole half gallon. I find it soothing on days like this. It's cool and refreshing.

When I first was introduced to soy milk, I was skeptical. I bucked up and picked up the glass that was poured for me, gave it a sniff, and then took my first drink. It was vanilla soymilk. It was nutty and sweet and just plain delish. That's when I became a convert.

I couldn't get enough. I still can't. I read the ingredient list one day and realized that Vanilla SM has a lot of sugar. Not surprising, just something I'd not really thought about before. I branched out to Plain SM. I don't buy the "light" versions, because they lose the word 'organic' when they add the word 'light' and they also get ingredients I have to "sound out". Hooked on Phonics Worked for Me! Sorry. It just happened. Anyway. I'll opt for less ingredients for more fat or calories any time. Well, I do use Splenda.

I have no real insights on the world of weight today. I think everyone, fat or skinny, generally feels like shite the day after a night of one too many.


-jafg

P.S.
I'm not taking the stairs at work today.

There's Really No Point

08/13/09

281.4 lbs

Holding steady.

I really love chicken salad. And bananas rolled in cinamon. If you haven't tried that, you should. If you're feeling REALLY daring, try a little sprinkling of nutmeg on some watermelon. MMMMM-MMMMM!

I'm socializing with Athletic Skinny Girl tonight. I wonder if that means dinner, too. I've not been as tight about what I eat. I splurged on a chicken salad 5-foot long roll-up yesterday with avacado and cashews. It wasn't really 5-foot long, but you get the picture. Today, chicken salad and fruit plate. YUMMMM. The mayo is not low-fat. The fruit, while it does contain fiber, also has a high sugar content. Dinner for the past two nights have had both rice and 1/2 a sweet potato.

This morning, I had a sausage-and-cheese-bagel-dog-thing (about the length of my index finger) and a slice of someone's Friendship Bread. Yeah, it's time to make that stuff again. I'm bringing mine to work tomorrow and leaving it downstairs. Damn Friendship Bread.

I'm dwelling on food. Food Glorious Food. If you say the word a lot, it starts to sound funny. Food. Food. Food. Food. Food. Food. Food. Food. I could say the same thing about the word Nibble. Nibble. Nibble. Nibble. This is a really intelligent train of thought.

Moving on. I've got a pool that I can use and a gym that I can use and even a personal trainer than I can use as part of my concierge service where I live. The kicker? It's all at no additional cost to me. Why aren't I using these services? Well, I hate being in a bathing suit. I don't get up early enough to go to the gym when no one's there. I should try, I guess. But, I love my sleep and morning cigarette more.

I'm full of rationalizations today. I can rationalize my way out of anything. It even sounds good, too! Like, I could completely convince you to think like me if I tried hard enough. It's a gift. And a curse. (I love MONK)

-jafg

Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder

08/12/09

281.4 lbs

I usually work on this blog during my "lunchtime". I had a lot of meetings and stuff today so now's my break. Talk about some withdrawals. I've missed you, my people. I may even have to start writing on the weekends. I heart you all that much.

So. I've been thinking about my bras. And my breasts. And the fact that I really don't care much for either. I started wearing a bra when I was in 4th grade. There was no training period. I woke up one morning and BOOM! There they were. It's been down hill ever since.

My bra is very uncomfortable today. My bra is very uncomfortable most days. I have two different types of bras. I have a cotton-underwire type of bra that has no defined cup shape. I then have a defined cup/underwire plunge-type of bra that I wear. Cotton Bra is worn after work and on weekends when I'm not going anywhere. It really provides little support but The Girls do have some coverage and don't hang down with no direction. Plunge Bra is for every other time of my life.

I get my bras at LB (for those of you who don't speak 'fat girl' slang, that's short for Lane Bryant). I buy the same style. I haven't branched out in I don't know how long. Like I said, I get the kind that plunge (\/). I'm not gonna lie here, I embrace my cleavage. I mean, in the right Bra/Top combo,I look well-defined. It's completely false advertising because everything's pulled up to the front, but I don't care. I feel better when I walk into a place. I'm not Elvira, I do have a sense of modesty and taste, but I like to accenuate my femininity (Wikipedia has an entry for that, too). Plus, Plunge Bra makes me feel like I have on pretty lingerie. Especially when my bottoms match my tops.

I've been watching my bra-size slowly creep higher over the past few years. I don't mean cup-size, either. I was looking at LB online and saw some "full coverage" bras. Honestly, I don't think I have enough BOOB for these bras. I've got my fair share of the side-boob, but not real BOOB-boob. This is the reason a lot of the "plus size" tops don't look great on me. I'm not that top-heavy! I get a little frustrated because fat girls with average sized boobs need tops too! And bras! THAT ARE COMFORTABLE!

I was watching More To Love last night. I tweeted a lot about it which relieved a lot of the immediate aggravation that rises from that show. Anyway, speaking from a completely plutonic perspective, those girls got a lot goin' on in the Bra department. I'm not jealous of the BOOB-factor, but I am jealous of the clothes they can wear that I can't. I miss cute clothes. Tops, especially. I miss skirts, too, but I dislike friction more. But, that's a story for another day.

-jafg

These Flip-Flops Are Made For Walking

08/11/09

281.0 lbs

Stepping on the scale twice is now part of my regular morning ritual.

I haven't mentioned this before but I live on the top floor of my building. It takes exactly 53 steps to get from the first stair to my door. I know because I count them often. I haven't counted this as exercise because I've been walking them long before "this project" and it's never made a dent in my weightiness.

My best friend and her husband helped move me into this place (a blessing from God, I must say). When it was all done, BF Hubbie said "OK. The next time we see you, you'll have a bikini body because of these damn stairs." They've been back three times and, believe me, there's no bikini body here.

I know exactly how much money to spend to keep the groceries to a managable 1-load trip. I also use the totes because you can get more stuffed into them and the handles will go over my shoulders. I try to avoid any extra trips because those stairs just suck. They make the stairs at work look like child's play. I walk down these stairs in the morning and back up them at night when I get home. Sometimes, I will sit in my car and think "Damn. So close yet so far away."

Well, I did something pretty crazy last night. I was flipping through channels and realized that nothing was on TV. Again. [More to Love comes on tonight] Even the reliable syndicated shows were ones I'd seen too many times to sit through again. So, I decided to go for a walk. This means an added trip down The Stairs. Well, what the hell, I want to increase my activity (the calorie consumption thing I learned the other day made me do it). So, I need to find a pair of socks. I look in my drawer and there's one lonely little white sport sock. Hmmm. I obviously haven't needed any for awhile. After digging through the pile of clothes at the foot of my bed-I lack motivation in many areas of my life-I find a pair of sport socks. Woohoo! I put them on and go to grab my tennies.

I know I've been stepping over them for a few weeks. I recently had them for a four-state marathon which I recently embarked on. By marathon, I mean driving from one state to another and then to a third and then back through the second into the fourth then back home. All in 4 days. That's another blog all on its own. I had my tennies with me because this trip involved furniture and big trucks and stuff. Turns out, I wore flip-flops the whole time so I didn't need the tennies. I got home, lived out of my suitcase for a week, and then unloaded everything. The tennies went on the floor. Well, one did, anyway.

I spent 30 minutes looking for my other shoe. I still don't know where the damn thing is. I looked under my bed 3 times. It never appeared. Oh, remarkably, under my bed is very clean. Nothing there at all. Not even a cat toy or furball. I looked under the dressing table. Nothing. I even pulled the suitcase open and, yep, no shoe. How do you lose one tennis shoe?!? I can't make this stuff up, people.

I could have been defeated. I could have just plopped back on the couch and veg'ed. I did not! I persevered! I was now determined to walk and grabbed my flip-flops. Really, these are not the best items to wear when walking for the purpose of walking. Trust me.

I was pretty active for about 45 minutes last night. I had a 5-minute search for socks and lost a 30-minute scavenger hunt for my one tennie. I took 53 steps down to the main level of the building. I went for a 10-minute stroll around the neighborhood parking lot went to the community mailbox and then back to The Stairs. I then took the 53 steps up to my door. In flip-flops. Go me.

I'm eating a little bite-size Twix right now. But one thing has nothing to do with the other.

-jafg

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Calories.

08/10/09

282.6 lbs

Awesome. I made it through the weekend with no major fluctuations.

Weightloss tip for the day: Your weight x 10 + your weight = the number of calories it takes to maintain your weight. Let me use me as an example: 282.6 x 10 = 2,826 + 282.6 = 3108.6 daily caloric consumption required to maintain my weight. To lose weight, I should eat less than that. The un-named article mentioned 500 calories less. We'll see.

My eating habits remained pretty much healthy this weekend with one exception: Last night's dinner.

I was invited to one of my ahtletic skinny girl friend's house for some "experimental cooking". This means that Athletic Skinny Girl had a new recipe she wanted to try and offered me the role of Guinea Pig. It really is an honor. It'd been awhile since we've hung out and I had already turned her down for two other events this weekend so I opted in. No mention of a diet was provided. I'm not on a diet anyway. Plus, this is anonymous, right?

I headed over to her house with a bottle of wine in tow. Turns out I'm getting cajun sausage with bow-tie pasta and crab cakes. I couldn't help the feeling of dread as I watched 3/4 of a stick of butter go into the sauce pan. Must-Resist-Urge-To-Gasp. We both realized later this may have been overkill for the two-person serving of the dish. She sautee'd the sausage in olive oil. The butter sauce gets added to the sausage and then that's served over the pasta. This, plus 2 oven-baked AWESOME homemade crabcakes, was dinner. We gave up on the wine, it was too sweet anyway, and had water with dinner. The food really was pretty good! I think it's important to note that my bathroom moment this morning wasn't.

While cleaning up last night, I couldn't help but mention something about the butter. A few times. My nagginess got the better of me. She'd said that the comments on the recipes had indicated to use less than what was called for (which was the full stick of butter). She then added in an indirect "leave me alone about it" but still nice way that she'd worked her ass off this weekend and deserved the good meal. I felt small and not in that good "I'm wearing my skinny jeans" sort of way.

She's my workout/play tennis till you drop/dance your ass off at the club friend. She works very hard for her very hard body. No faulting her there. She looks fantastic in a bathing suit which makes me secretly hate her on my 'fat girl' level. She can eat pretty much what she likes because she works so hard at keeping fit. This makes it somewhat hard to hang out when I'm so hyper-aware of food because we otherwise REALLY enjoy food. Burgers from Five Guys, Sushi from Surin, Pomme Frittes from Local French Bistro (renamed to protect my Fat Girl identity). You get the idea.

I've never thought about the fact that as much as I may think about food from a "fat girl" perspective, my "skinny girl" friends think about it from the "I don't want to be a fat girl" perspective. Hmm. Yeah, let me change that. I do know they care about what they eat. All girls that I've ever been friends with care about what they eat. It takes up much of the conversation. I doubt it's the same with guys. Damn guys. That's probably a bad stereotype, but I'm putting it in anyway.

I'm a girl who loves food. I think of it as an art. I savor it like a good wine. I don't ever want to lose this love of food. I just need to love it short of the point that I store it on my thighs like a bear prepares for hibernation.

-jafg

The Zero Factor

08/07/09

282.6 lbs

O.M.G. I did get on the scale twice this morning, but didn't chance a 3rd time in case something shifted somewhere. I can't really believe it. I started this whole public accountability experiment on Saturday 07/25/09. Today is Friday 08/07/09. That's 13 days of talking about my "fat" life. I'm cautiously optimistic....

I had one slice of pizza for lunch today with some salad. It was tasty. My fat feels like it wasn't neglected and I'm pretty satisfied, as well.

I was so excited to get to the blog today and share the news. You see my friends, scales never lie. The facts may change from day to day, but a scale is only reflecting the truth. It's kinda like a mirror for my fat. Sometimes I can go months without stepping on it. It waits, patiently, knowing that it will only be a matter of time before I know I'll need that little Dose of Reality. Even in the 13 days prior to today, I haven't been constant in my scale visits. I just like not knowing sometimes. It gives me plausible deniability (I'm sure you know what that is, but I love that Wikipedia actually has an entry for it).

I have a diverse group of friends. Some are weightier than others. I love them all equally, but I do go through some form of body-envy with the skinnier ones. The skinnier ones are really athletic or are hyper-focused on what they eat. We all enjoy a good adult beverage here and there.

Back to the point. I hate having my picture taken with them. I'm the 0 in the 10. Think about that for a minute...skinny girl next to fat girl...1-0. I don't pass on the opportunity and neither should you. Pictures are an important part of your people's lives. And your people love you and want to see you, regardless of your size. But I still have that thought of dread rolling around like a lost marble in the back of my mind when I step in front of a camera. With the world of iPhones and other such picture taking devices photos are everywhere and pretty much instantantly available on Facebook and Twitter and the like. I appreciate the digital insta-view/insta-delete aspect, but damn if there's always that bad triple-chin-double-middle-roll shot that makes it in the mix.

There is a good way to capture the image of a fat girl. A shot from the ground looking up isn't one of them. A shot from the side standing too far away isn't another. The best are the ones where the camera's up high looking down on the scene. That kills the triple-chin. Also, bending forward helps hide the jiggle in the middle. I try to keep these in mind when posing for a pic. I'll share a little secret with you: I practice with my camera so I know which angles work best. That way, when the candid moment arises, I'm already up on what works for me. I work that into the shot. I can't control every image of me, but at least I know there's a higher possibility for quality photo-fabulousness. It really helps to have that previously worked out. Close-ups are fine, Mr. De Mille. But please, nothing below the breasts.

-jafg

Ch-Ch-Changes.....

08/06/09

284.2 lbs

I weighed myself twice this morning. Even though I know that weight fluctuates from day to day, I'm still doing a little happy dance today. I find that I am MOTIVATED by the 2-lb difference. Motivation begets Momentum.....Having said that, I have a confession to make. I am drinking half a Mr. Pibb right now.

I caved, I know. It's my fat's fault, though, not mine. I get all excited about healthy eating. I have a healthy dinner, a healthy lunch, another healthy dinner (yummy salmon with seared greenbeans and squash/zucchini ribbons and a half of a sweet potato), another healthy lunch, and then it happens.

My fat gets very upset with me and makes me do bad things! My fat sends out the "Ooooohhh that cookie is so good, you know you want it!" messages and the "But life is too short and you shouldn't deny yourself little simple pleasures" messages. I try to be strong. I try to resist. Then suddenly, I'm walking by a counter full of Mr. Pibb and my fat sends out an irresistable urge to grab Mr. Pibb and pop it open. Yep, that's what happens. I drink a Mr. Pibb. It's only a half a one this time. Last night my fat expressed itself by eating a few spoonfuls of one of my $.99 pints o' icecream I have in the freezer. Remember those?

Well, I've been contemplating these actions and figured it could be worse. I stated in the beginning of this blog that I'm not goal-setting. I want to provide commentary on the World of Weight. It's the boyfriend that I can't get rid of and won't let go of all at the same time (don't you just hate that?!?). I'm really excited to see if talking about weight from every aspect of it in my life will actually end up with the result of me losing said weight. Ultimately, that's what I'm hoping here. Oh no. I think I just set a goal.

Since my little blog project got rolling, I've really been more aware of what I'm buying and eating. Wait. Not more aware, because I always know what I'm putting in my mouth and I always know what it will do to my jiggle and my hips. I think the better word is caring. That's the first by-product of this little social experiment. I'm pretty happy about it. What I don't want to happen to me is that I turn into this food-obsessed monster that can only look at the lunch sitting next to your keyboard rather than look you in the eyes when I talk to you. Yeah, I'm that fat girl.

So, I'm going to go home and be amused by the battle between me and my fat. I'm going to eat a healthy dinner and not worry if a few bites of ice cream manage to end up on the spoon that's heading toward my mouth. After all, life is too short to deny yourself little simple pleasures! Wait. Did you just hear that?

-jafg

The Jiggle In the Middle

08/05/09

286.0 lbs.

I had a fantab low-fat taco salad last night. I did use lean ground beef, normally I'd use ground turkey breast, though. I had a small helping of organic blue corn chips, fresh tomatoes, and yummie romane lettuce. It was great! I even made my own taco seasoning which did not include salt so I can control my sodium intake. This is important since I've noticed that my ankles can get a little poofy at times.

This disturbs me. Of all the parts of my body classified as poofy, my ankles have never been one. I don't know if it's because I'm "getting older" or if it's because I've never been this weighty before, but the fact still remains that the ankles are growing at times. I am trying to drink more water and hope that less rides in the elevator are helping.

Speaking of poofy parts and more movement, I want to talk about walking down the stairs. All of us "fat girls" are proportioned differently. Some are top heavy, some have more junk in the trunk, some are just plain packed in from head to toe. I'm of the latter persuasion. To top it off, I've got a lot of jiggle in the middle. Like that? I just made it up. Pretty cute if I do say so myself. I don't know about the rest of you, but I have to look down when I walk down the stairs. It isn't a pretty sight. My jiggle takes on momentum and by time I reach the bottom, I feel like I could be knocking into both sides of the stair rails! Not literally, but damn, close enough. When I laugh I have that bowl full of jello. I love laughing! I hate jiggling! Egad, what a dilema! I let laughing win out every time, though. I enjoy it too much. Back to the stairs...I will keep walking the stairs. I can't wait till I'm looking down and see just a slight vibration. This side-to-side stuff is just awful.

I watched Fox's "More To Love" again last night. I haven't yelled more at the TV since Wes was still on "The Bachelorette". Like, really. My blood pressure is going up just thinking about this show. First of all, my heart is going out to most of these young women. I really am saddened that they're so young and have so much sadness from being overweight. I'm fortunate to be able to have a healthy self esteem and still be "another fat girl" (I want to lose weight, remember?). Someone should spend some time with these ladies and show them that worth does not come from the size of your ass. Or the amount of jiggle in your middle. It's part of what makes you 'you', but it isn't who 'you' are. There's a difference! Bonnie is great. I'm not a fan of her Kat Von D style (I think only Kat Von D rocks that at an A+ level), but she is very comfortable in her skin. Go Bonnie! That's what it's about! Alright then, enough of the Rant.

Oh yeah! I started a Twitter account! Follow me @another_fatgirl. Then you can learn about my daily fights with Mr. Pibb and Snicker Bar. These are mean folk.

It's pretty ugly in my world.

-jafg

Sweet Defeats

08/04/09

286.2 lbs.

Yeah. The weight-truth sucks sometimes. I recently visited some friends at the beach and was given a starter for Amish Friendship Bread. If you don't know what it is, you're missing out. If you do know what it is, then you know my predicament. Once you make your first loaf you're hooked. It's awesome. You can add nuts, different flavors, and pretty much make it anything you like. I just made some banana walnut version of it. OMG. It's to die for. On top of that, the local grocery store had my favorite ice cream pints on sale for $.99. Less than a dollar a pint, People! I bought 2. Okay, 3. Over the course of the weekend I've consumed ice cream (only one pint) and freakin' awesome banana nut friendship bread. This is not part of healthy living.

I'm also on a budget. A tight one. It's difficult to shop healthy and cheaply at the same time. The trick to really good, healthy eating is the number of ingredients in a pre-packaged food item you may be buying. The more ingredients an item has, odds are the less likely it is to be healthy. This is true of the "diet foods" as well. But...have you ever noticed how the less ingredients something has the more expensive it is to purchase? Herein lies the rub so to speak.

I'm a fan of locally grown products. I'm a fan of organic products. These are actually more expensive to purchase than their counter-parts. On some things I won't budge. I will only buy organic soy milk. Fortunately, most stores now have 'store-brand' organic soy milk so I'm pretty good on that. I really prefer to buy eggs from hormone-free, vegeterian-grain-fed chickens. Occasionally, I will break down and buy the cheaper ones, but only when I really have to watch every penny.

I'm trying to buy ingredients for meals to prepare at home and trying to be healthy while doing it. Here's some pointers. Sweet potatoes are better for you than white potatoes and are just as filling. Brown rice has all the fiber retianed while white rice doesn't. Frozen veggies are cheaper than fresh veggies most of the time and you get more bang for your buck. Veggies from the frozen food section really aren't that bad unless you're buying the ones with the cheese sauce. Speaking of cheese, the firmer the cheese is the healthier it is, also (that's true for "female health" as well). With the exception of goat cheese and feta; these aren't too bad in moderation. Moderation is the key. [Insert annoying cliche' alarm, here.]

A good grocery list is a lot like core-wardrobing. You get maximum variety with minimum ingredients. Pick up a few light-cooking magazines. Maybe invest in a healthy cookbook. Read the the ingredient lists and figure out which repeat themselves most often. Taylor those to your tastes and there ya go! You've got a start for a week's worth of menus.

I'm fortunate enough to live in an urban environment where I can shop at several stores that are close to where I live. It's important to review the grocery flyers you get in the mail or in the paper. Figure out where the best deal is spread your shopping over a few days. This is awesome for me because I'm never motivated to go out and get what I need. It's so much easier to just pick up dinner on the way home. Especially when I can buy a pizza that's already cooked for about $7 (I won't say where to avoid any temptations tonight). Or a burger for that matter. Or Bar-B-Q. See, I'm already moving in the wrong direction.

Okay. So, I have been taking the stairs! Only a few times has the elevator been used. One time I was going with someone else and just used the elevator with them (next time I'll be stronger) and the other time I was really freakin' hot from being outside for lunch (southern heat has high humidity) and just plain took the lazy way up to my workspace. I'm being honest! Give me some credit for that!

I still have ice cream in my freezer. I can't imagine I'll part with it down the drain either. I'm going to have to incorporate more movement into my daily routine because of this. I can say that the next batch Friendship Bread I make will be brought into work and shared with everyone else's hips. What are friends for, anyway?


-jafg


P.S. I have my first real follower! Thanks, Peace Turkey, for the words of encouragement! Congrats on the gym membership. You're a stronger woman than I am.

Superficial Perspective

Often we forget that there are things out there that surpass the superficial. Superficial is in your face all the time. Well, Superficial, meet Perspective.

I've been following a blog called "Prior Fat Girl". It's very insperational and motivational. It's a story of one woman's two year journey to lose 100 lbs. She had a goal of August 1, 2009. She had 1.6 lbs left. We were all cheering for her and wanted to celebrate her victory.

I logged on today to find something that was so far from celebration. A tragic accident that reached right out from the words I read and slapped me in the face. Just 12 hours before her goal day arrived, she lost her mother in a car accident.

I'm not posting my weight today, there are more important things to think about. Remember to love those around you. Take time to smile more, take time to engage more; interact more. Remember that, in a blink of an eye, everything can change.

Jen, my heart is saddened for you and your family. I can't imagine what you feel and am so thankful I don't know it first-hand.

Mom-I love you more than words can say!


-jafg